Humility and Letting Go

I had promised not to place any new entries here that talked about any ex or any man in a melancholic light. Sometimes you just can't help yourself. There is no more pain. It's more of like being surrounded by jelo and even if he tries to poke me I can't be touched. But the ripples that are caused by the sharp prod that he would be happy and he would not show his face to me when he comes back home cause me to worry a little bit. I try to deflect all of these with humor. But this person doesn't understand humor, he never quite got my jokes and I had to explain to him a lot of my intentions. But I am under no obligation to care for what he feels or what he might make me feel. I am surrounded by jelo. And inside it, I am eating around it to make room for someone to fit into my life. He won't be someone who would poke a hole through my jelo fortress, he would be someone who would patiently wait outside the jelo until I am ready to be with him in the real world.

My co-writer is married to this perfectly imperfect guy. Some of my friends whom I never though would be mothers are already married with their first kids (my imaginary inaanaks). Others have made life choices that would demand the rest of their lives to fulfill. I am here at the edge of the highest point I can reach, my legs are tied on a bungee and I am ready to jump. But there is no one there to kiss and say I love you to before I jump or someone to hold me as we fall then hang.

I wanted someone to make a liar out of me once. That has all been settled. I was such a good liar that I believed my own lies.

Now I want someone I can trust would never let me go even if I am screaming at his ear because I am afraid for my life. Someone solid to hold me when the air is rushing and I am light-headed from the speed of the fall.
I want someone I could look into and say, "You made me braver than I could ever imagine. Thank you for loving me despite all that I am."

He's there. Not somewhere. I know he's there. I don't want to check the cards to know when he would come around. But I know he's in my life. He might be a stranger, a friend or a soulmate. But he's there. I know it.

Love will be a part of me now that I know that love is what I want to have. I won't be afraid to be like my mother. Because if we marry our fathers, then by God, where is my hardworking, snoring, loyal and funny handyman? I know one of these days he will reveal himself. I won't wait. I'll keep myself busy with wordly things. A soul would know if her new soulmate is around.

The heart has a way of knowing how souls are bound.

So to the one I never had, be happy. I want that more than anything for you. Don't forget how much I loved you. But forget that there is hope for us. I don't want you to loose control of your life again. I want you to be happy. Someday, I wish I would see you and your family in a picture, happy, content and together. IF you really loved me, you would do that for me...but most of all for yourself. Family is what you need to make you the man that is removed from your father's dark past. Don't be like him. Love your honey and cherish your children. Be FAITHFUL and be present. And you would not want for anything in this world, I assure you of that. Why do I know this? Because I can see it in my father's eyes, in his life. He is a man who knows true happiness that no amount of money can buy. He has love and a family to love. I want that, more than anything for you.

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Sometimes my arrogance gets the best of me. Sometimes I wonder if that is the real reason why I survived. But win or lose, I am glad that I joined PEBA and wrote that article about my mom. Too bad I lost the only copy of the "family" picture they got in Subic. There are other moments, I think. Long after the contest is over, my mom would still be taking care of my cousins. I just hope someday, they would return the favor.

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