Officially Missing You : Cheesy post ahead

I miss you guys.
My wall may explode from all the kpop that RoK has to offer and I might seem to be only reading and commenting on my new dongsaengs and peeps' walls. F.U. Facebook for doing it like this. (I promise to try to make a group for my contacts with just you guys and flood your walls with likes and notifs again. Soon as I have a smartphone I will attack your IG and twitter as well. *throws aegyo kisses*)

But just because I might be a little crazed and spazzing all over the place doesn't mean I don't miss you guys.
Because you are a part of who I am and you know who you are. If you are reading this know this.

1. I am happy that I met you when I was still a stupid, lazy and arrogant person. You made me believe in myself and that I am good at something and that I should always pursue what my heart wants me to do.

2. I am grateful that even if I am the stupid, lazy and arrogant person that I was before (still kind of am) that you put up with all my crazy and let me show you that although I am loud (all the time) that there are things I could never say like, "I am sorry I hurt you." or "Thanks for loving me even if you don't understand me all the time."

3. Just because I am not available to hang out doesn't make me not miss you all the time.
You know the feeling when you hear something or see something and you lean to a direction as if to say something to someone that you have with you for so long that it becomes a knee jerk reaction to tell them what you think of something or a situation and you know they would probably be the only people to get it? I get that a lot. It makes me lonely at times. But it also makes me feel like I am never alone. (I know I am weird, but you get it right?)

4. I don't know how valuable being bullied by you guys can be. Until I live in a quite space and I try to think of what this person would say when I say something really stupid.

5. I think I learn a little bit about being more responsible from you guys. I always sit in a safe place and wonder about things that I want to do but I never get around to doing it. But being fed stories about your guys having more balls to juggle (no pun intended) makes me realize that if I am friends with these really awesome people, why the fuck am I not doing something with my life that requires more...(que dramatic sfx music) responsibilities?

Which gets me to #6

6. I want to thank you for telling to want more. To do more and be more. I did try to do more but I made a mistake of taking myself where I should have been in the first place and going somewhere I was not mean to go. But detours and mistakes tend to just help you acquire more realizations so that by the time you get to where you need to go (which at some times is exactly where you were in the first place) you know that this is it. This is where you should be and this is what you are supposed to be doing.

7. You are the best gifts the universe, Santa and Maria Makiling ever gave me. Enough said.

So yeah.

8. I miss you guys, gals, geys.

9. I wish that you would be comfy in your lovelives and acquire hubbies soon and gimme pamangkins.

10. See you next year. December is WAY TOO PACKED for me to go anywhere. Literally all my weekends are booked like...three months ago. *throws hearts* *throws kisses*

2013 was EPIK. I wonder what 2014 would be like? Hectic for sure. But happy, I hope.

Merry Christmas and Happy 2014 in advance!!!

I miss Jan

I wonder where he is? My KAMBAL. I miss him. He's not in any of the social networks that I am in. Or at least I don't think he's on Facebook. He told me he hated the guy who made it.

I hope he's around to have those soul-enriching conversations about life and love again. I miss him because we can talk for five hours without repeating a single topic. He listens when I talk and when he talks I listen.

So if anyone has seen my four-eyed chemist twin Gemini, Jan Jerald T. Mangaldan, could you please tell him to comment here with a link to any form of communications with him? Seriously it's hard to find ninja-types. They hide so effin well.

Whether You Bora Or Not

Ten years of friendship. Of crazy, we got drunk almost every Thursday, cried and laughed about life and love, went down the rabbit hole only to end up in corporate clothes at the other end kinda friendship.

And true to form, the people who made me feel like I can overcome my fears and push the limits of my sanity bought tickets to Bora for me without me knowing about it. Though they did try to call me. ^.^

But hey, leave credits or none, I would just have to face the sanctions because if I don't I would miss out on a whole lot more.

This would only be more awesome if Carla was also coming. But old friends, their beloveds and the single ladies are going to rock Bora.

It's not the destination, it's the people that you travel with and the road that took to get there that matters.

If only I could

It sucks when you want to do something for someone but you can't. I feel like I am making excuses when all I want to do is make her happy on her special day. I think I would need to get over the feeling of guilt over not doing something that follows someone else's life. I think my friends would not like it all the time. But I have things that may seem less adventurous, exciting or less like me, but I would have to do that so I can focus on something and get things done.

I was planning to buy her something nice for her birthday, something sweet and her request came out of the blue and the circumstances around it would have been easy for the old me to deliver but this year things are a little bit less like old me and more new me.

I promised her we would do something fun every month. But I am afraid to break my focus right now. I am not beck and call girl anymore. 2012 would be a little bit disappointing. My boyfriend right now is Jamie Dimon. If he breaks up with me, then I would have more time in my hand and would probably have to find a new place to be in. But I have to disappear from the radar, get my list underway and be more of my old self in a new place but less my reckless, flies to the rescue of others and waits for damsels in distress. My life is the damsel in distress now.

I am at a point when I realized that my career goals are late in the making. And I hope that it doesn't make me a bad friend if I focus on them right now. I love my friends and they know that. But like when I told Ico that I can't be with a person who considers my schedule as something conveniently flexible for them, I would have to apologize in advance. Know that I feel bad since I would rather be making new memories with true old friends but my now needs me too. And my tomorrow needs me to be a bit less fly by night.

Less is More

Less friends more happy thoughts. That is what I think of these days. There are just people who are insignificant to you. I am not saying that they are not important in the universe as a whole but in meniverse, they are not planets revolving around the solar system where I reign and roam but distant galaxies. I look at them in awe from time to time but they don't particularly mean that much to me.
 

I am one of those people who need an acquired taste. People tend to hate me or find me too much of a klutz, too noisy or nosey or too full of myself to be someone they would like.

I call my close friends as my soul mates. So far there are limited slots. I fear that I have to reserve the main slot for someone who will fit well with my other soul mates. So far the other main soul mate candidates took the remaining slots for soul mates. 

So like clutter, I think I have to weed out the friendships I have. Because I believe that we are the friends that we choose to have in our first lives. The rest can live on the internet or float around in the meniverse.

How was your Weekend?

I went to ELBIPIE 15. That was a Thursday.

I skipped work because I was indisposed and I didn't get to go back to Makati in time.

I woke up at one last Friday. I finally got up at three. Took a bath and went to Hot Mamah's house. We were supposed to go to Diliman to buy a jacket.
That was moved to the next day because we arrived just in time for her to get her picture taken at Kodak and we were ushered in to the Activity Center in Trinoma.

We left after nine. We ate at Abe, where we saw Fried and Mojee (I fear I spelled that wrong). People who know our friend and history would know why it's weird that we saw each other at Abe.

Then we got back at 12. I woke up at nine. I stayed in bed until it was time to get up and go to HM's house.

I realized that I would need a book or a tablet soon if I am to hang out with more women. They take super long. That wretched hair thingy is the bane of my existence. But hey, great hair doesn't happen magically. Ergo I love my short hair. Granted I need to get hot oil...

I saw Ysac and D in Y's bed. Finally met D in person. *note to self, must find SATC inspired outfit for January 7* 

We went to Diliman, she didn't find the jacket she wanted. *I think it's only available in ELBI. The cutie I took a picture of said there was a store in raymundo *I was not listening correctly* in a store call upbeats or something like that. I will ask my brother about it. He works in UPLB so it shouldn't be too hard for him to help Ysac get one. He wanted that. But there was none in Diliman Republic or Maroon Shirts in the UPD Shopping Center.
I ate pistachio ice cream, HM ate some other ice cream. *She didn't eat the apa anymore since it smelled funny.*

We took pictures of her in the new UP jacket she bought. *1,400 OUCH* We ate at a cafe at Bahay ng Alumni. I didn't finish my lomi.

We left UPD and went to SM to buy her new mattress. HM realized that buying a bed is almost as hard as finding the best one to sleep in it. ^.^ Some are the right size but hurts and are too hard. Others are the right amount of firmness but too big to fit. Yah, I am aware of the double entendre.

Then we waited for her aunt, mom and cousins because we were going to the Ayala Triangle. I had all but given up. Thank heavens I took my USANA essentials. Otherwise I would have crawled back to my bed and passed out.
The lights were worth it. If you have a kid, bring them to the Ayala triangle from 6 to around 9 and watch it. They would love it. Believe me, I am 26 and I still love fireworks and Christmas lights shows. 

We ate at Bfast. Will come back for their salmon belly tocino. Had chicken tocino. *Happy* And it's 128. Compared to the 150 breakfast at agahan...though that was bacon, I think Bfast would be a must visit for me. All day breakfasts...will not help me loose weight AT ALL!

The next day I had to go to MOA for the TOP EB. It was memorable. As usual out of the 40 people who said they were going less than ten arrived. Aigoo. I got my Severin Almonte Loves Me T-shirt. Yesha Lee got me as her monita so I will get a bigger sized I <3 TOP shirt. ^.^ That can wait. I got another Ka-Chapters ka Ba? T-shirt and baller. ^.^ Foo gave me kitty earrings. I wore them for as long as I could but I can't for long so I put it in my memory wall instead.

I uploaded the pictures for the EB and I will resize the ones I have for Elbipie 15 and PEBA 2011. But since I know that using my laptop at the shop is better than using the smelly computers there, I will opt to use that again next time. Faster and I know where the hands that used those keys came from.

I think the universe if making me suffer for my laid-back days.
I have a package coming in on Tuesday. So many projects for next year to work with. And novels to edit. Novels to write.

Yeah you heard me. I am not thinking about going on a hiatus anymore.

Friends and Gratitude

What are you most thankful of?

I am most thankful of my friends. I realized that single or not, I should make sure to make time for them because I tend to neglect them when I am dating someone. I think that is the reason why I can't sustain a relationship for more than one year is that I spoil my boyfriend and I get sick of them easily. So I have to try to make more time for my friends even when I have a boyfriend. For my sanity and world peace.

I am thankful of my friends because they understand that I am actually really a big coward. They see right through all of my excuses and know what I am best at and push me to be more than what I am right now. They know I am very lazy and they don't let me. Most of the time, other times they join me.

I have different sets of friends, single ones who I can lunch with on a whim or go on vacations even when I am scared of boats, ships, planes and is a really frantic traveler.  I have married and paired up friends who remind me of SATC more than anything else. We have a Char, Samantha (I like to think it's me since two of them are married and one is paired up ergo me is default single lady slash sexytime guru - one of my friend's husband once said she should have stayed longer for the sexytime guru portion of the ladies' day out), Miranda and Carrie. ^.^ We don't have as much drama as those seasons had, but we are each other's eternal "roommates". One of them is leaving for Japan.


Me :(Cue ninya aegyo voice) "Why are you all leaving me?
Friends : (laugh)
Me: I want a green kimono.
Japan-bound friend: Kimono? (she send a telepathic signal saying : Ang mahal nun ha!)
Me: No, like that kimono-looking blouse thingy. Nauso un sa Pinas dati, wala na ngayon ang natira un mga ew colors.
Japan-bound friend : Ah...(but still non-comm ital hohoho)
Me: I don't want to wish for a Japanese guy. If I wanted to keep dating a guy with a small *deleting the rest of this part to lessen my sins to the Lord Almighty. Santa might not grant me my wife to get an awesome job for next year*

Go here to join!

This giveaway is open internationally and will run starting today December 1, 2011 to January 15, 2011 at 12MN (Manila time).

GIRL TALK : A Must for my Sanity

That moment when you realize that you miss your besties because they are not around to do pow-wows and exchange girl talk. Sad that they are away and happy that you know distance means absolutely nothing.

I know that I am lucky to have all of them in my life. But sometimes I pull an ico mode and just wish they were all right next door. Trina and JI are but for some reason, I can't find the time to gather us all together. Wah. Such FAIL.

No more after this - T.O.P.

Naiiyak ako. Hindi ako high blood. Kasi hindi ko na pinapaabot ang init sa ulo ko. Otherwise I would be cursing up a storm and marami lang akong flaws na ma-eexpose. I am trying to be a calmer person. I am freaking 26 years old now. I need to learn patience and boy is this year teaching me that being nice is such a challenge and a pain in the toushie.

I made mistakes. But I am not the kind of person who sits in one corner feeling sorry for herself. I am a fighter. I fight harder when I am hurt, bleeding and gasping for air. That is what I think seperates real heroes to those who believe themselves better than something else. A real hero doesn't have a sense of entitlement. He doesn't need medals and applause. He can sacrifice more for the common good and is mum about it. He doesn't go in the middle of a crowd and asks them to kiss his feet. The real hero isn't the prince who rides in his mighty steed at the end of the battle. The real hero is his most mangled foot soldier who could barely smile because it hurts to move his cheeks. War torn and bruised, he or she doesn't care if the crowd is screaming his name but that he was able to achieve peace for all the land. And of course that he survived yet another battle. And once he is healed, he is ready to have another one though he does not hope for one to happen anytime soon.

I realized that I really need to choose those whom I should extend the hand of friendship to. I haven't had a chance to be bitten by someone whom I have considered promising. I have apprentices in the past, each more arrogant than the next. Each more stubborn than the last. Each with a sense of entitlement worse than the last. But they were able to prove to me that their arrogance can be used for good. And they were never rude to their elders.

I guess the world that I lived in should shift. I never wanted to compartmentalize the new people that I meet. I hoped that high school clique mentality of mine had gone. But I guess it's time to bring it back. I will keep those that I love and who love me for who I am as well as my limitations close to me. Those who are associated to me because of their talents would be just below. And the new ones that I meet would just have to be online associates.

I apologize for whomever would be affected by this. I know I am not that significant to the world to cause that much of a ripple. I missed Chen most of all during this time. I know that she was hurt by me before and I was angry when she didn't tell me. None of the things that she did or what happened could make me stay angry at her. But this time, I think that would need to change.

There are things that need to change. But we would not change because of one scrawny kid. We have been planning changes and had been weighing them for a while now. And when he decides to build his own realm, he would realize that being a leader, sitting on one's throne is lonely and difficult. That is why we sit together in a circle to talk about these things. There are things you do not see, things you are yet to understand boy. We know there are flaws and mistakes that were made. But there is one thing that we know that you are yet to learn, that selflessness is not something that is easy to do. Open-ness is something that is hard to achieve. So we must all compromise. I know the effort that you did must have been tremendous for you to think that we have abandoned you. Perhaps your cause is true. But I don't have to talk down to others to have them understand my wrath. If I were you, and as you are saying you would do, I would make a better place for me to do whatever I want. I hope that like Foo, you would find some people who you can trust to accept you for you who are and are not afraid to hit you over the head for being a crazy frack.

There is much for you to learn, young padone. It's not just talent that makes you a person. Tell that to the voices in your head. One of them is sure to understand.

To all the Toppers, slighted or active, lost and new, I will do what I can to make you happy. And I will continue to write, not for fame...not for money...but for the simple fact that I know that in time, I would be able to give you a story that would make you laugh, cry or reflect on your life.

To all the TOP writers, contributors, lost and new thank you for your patience. I offer you all my free time, time is all that I can give you. Every word I cross out, ever correction that I make is with love. So please do not reject my love for you. Give me a chance to give you my love.

Love after all is the “elitism” that caused this website to be, that keeps this community together. We don't need website hits, likes and adoration. We are here to give you stories, to read your stories and to keep T.O.P. alive.

xoxo,