To definitely be over you

I was checking the people who were celebrating their birthday as per Facebook's tracking system and I was shocked when I read "Andy Villanueva". I was shocked and I had to greet him as soon as I found out.

I was laughing outloud in my head and then I realized. Yesterday I had the worst argument that I have ever had with Ico (so far, I expect this to be a realistic relationship so things are not going to be perfect all the time) and I had finally decided that in whatever medium I do tell him it doesn't matter. Love is love.

I was tagging my templates all wrong this day. I thought it was 040411. So when I tracked down my teaching minutes I remembered that it was 040511 instead. I corrected things and I remembered thinking that it's two days from my younger brother Gm's birthday. And that his thesis being for binding is probably God's gift to him. Still I didn't remember that it was "Andy's birthday".

I read a comment from a common friend saying, "Advanced ha." I was thinking that it was for some other thing. My mind was so preoocupied with stories to write, recordings to listen to, Ico and me and OPIc that I forgot that it was his birthday. I had been mourning a broken relationship and pinning for him for so many years that it's incredible that I forgot about his birthday.

But once again, it's a sign. My heart has let go of you and slowly the memories, the details become bad sectors in my brain. And once I had a good long defragmentation, even the archives that I have of you would be gone.

Sure, you'll be part of the past. But your role in the grand scale of things is so minute that I have to rely on social networks to remind me that you born on a certain day. ^.^

It's weird. I remember JL's birthday clearly but that might be because it's also Harry Potter's birthday. ^.^ *giggle*

I'm sorry for forgetting.

Happy Birthday. I hope you get all your wishes this year.

Happiness all around

I don't know if I should be happy for you or I should feel sad for her. I told you before not to make another me. You said she is your friend yesterday. Now she is the new girl in your life. Well, at least I taught you enough to make her a very very happy girl. You found someone to take care of you and perhaps to love you. I guess you are not as strong against temptation as I thought you would be. I guess what I know and heard about you is actually true.

But you know what? I don't care.

Why? Because as much as I have emptied my heart of romantic love for you, it's now slowly but surely being filled up with an honest and earnest love. It catches me by surprise when I feel like I am missing him and not really being able to pinpoint if it's a GREAT LOVE or not. But I am now sure that it's love that he is giving me. Not illusions of grandeur or a forbidden love affair. It doesn't make me hyperventilate as love in the past did. It actually makes me breathe easier and makes me smile.

I can say for sure, there is something to be said for slow and steady love. For the first time, I am actually taking things as they come and making myself more and more content. I haven't felt like this with anyone ever. I'm not sure my friends would understand. But I am sure they'll account it to me getting a little bit older and hopefully slightly more mature than I was before. I am not sure if I am not immature anymore *sighs* but I feel good despite having other surface problems at work and financially.

I have had the unbelievable, the forbidden and the reckless kinds of love. I guess all my mother's prayers that I find someone who would be above and beyond the men that I've loved, someone who wouldn't be a part of a fairytale but a reality that I could hold hands with for the rest of my life, have paid off.

There is a lot to be said for a man who is just starting out in his quest to be the man that he wants to become. And it's a good sign that he has a honest role model in his father. Sure his dad isn't perfect, at least he's not easily tempted to break his wedding vows. And he gives Ico excellent advice on love and relationships. Ne Sarang should listen to his dad.

I have seen pictures of his family and he tells me a lot about his family and I see a picture of my own forming in my mind. I know that when they meet him they would give him a hard time. I gave my cousins' boyfriends the once over and didn't approve of a lot of their guys. So far I have only liked three men, and they are already married into the family. They have proven to be good husbands to my cousins. And I applaud them. Of course, there is always those whom I don't like. And my friends know that if I don't like a person in the beginning, they almost always make a fool of themselves and make me smugly say, "I knew you were going to do something that would make me right about my gut feeling about you."

I know, I am judgmental like that.

I know that there are still a lot of things that Ico would have to do to prove himself to no one else but himself. I just don't want him to do the things that he needs to do to please other people or keep the wrong kinds of friends. I can let the gaming and the weird "trips" with male friends and cousins go. Because I trust that he won't do anything that he can't talk to me about. I already showed him that whatever he does would be fine as long as he knows where the line is and that he doesn't keep it from me. I can understand, God knows Mark knows how understanding I can be, but I don't take it lightly when you make a fool of me or try to protect me with lies.

That is how great loves get incinerated and cut off.

So to his Palestinian bombshell, good luck and enjoy it while it lasts. I did and I have wonderful memories of my time with him. I also learned that I deserve better.

To my Ne Sarang, I guess you can be rest assured that there wouldn't be any recycling of idiocies in my lifetime. Keep up the good work.  <3

Wisdom and Folly of Talking to an Ex

My college bestfriend and roommate warned me against doing it. Another college bestfriend said that it's okay as long as you don't feel giddy. So that settles it. It's not a bad thing to talk to my exes. It does make them uncomfortable sometimes that I seemingly forgot the pain or bitterness that they might have put me through. One of them continues to carry it like shackles. I don't take it personally since he carries a lot of weight around that doesn't have anything to do with little ol' me. So I figured it's just his personality and mine lightly clashing when it comes to the idea of letting go. Because in my case, over the years, I have learned that you can let people go. But you don't necessarily have to strip yourself of the happiness or the happy memories that they brought into your life.
Isn't that were most couples and exes end up ruining everything? They believe or feel that if they still think of the other person fondly, that means they are not over their romantic love for those people. I am believer that love is never gone, it's like an energy that is dispersed and changes form or kind. I learned in SciMath club that energy is like that. So since Love for me is an energy that can do so many good and bad things, it can also be dispersed but never really undone.
I talked to Mark this morning and the day before that. There were things that I asked him that he couldn't answer very well. We are not on the same page after all. Somehow he is still in the last few pages of the chapter that had me and him in it. He keeps it thumbmarked and he goes back there frequently even as the pages of the rest of our lives are being written. In my case, I just try to remember what is in my head. I don't go back to read everything. It's called selective amnesia, I think. ^^ I don't remember the times that I cried or was depressed over everything. I remember the lessons that I learned and that the most important contribution that Mark had in my life is to merge my hopeless romantic self with my rational self. I was a cynic despite being a former hopeless romantic. I thought that if a person chased after the idea or the ideal guy then she is doomed to ignore all other worthy lovers. So I tried to be an altruist. But now, like I told him, I find myself the  right amount of ready and practical. I am ready to love and ready to do what must be done to keep a love strong.
I asked him if I would've made a good wife had his circumstances been different. He said yes. I knew he would say yes. I was afraid of those answers before but I knew he meant it. Of course he said that it was mainly because he would probably gonna do every household chore since I suck at doing them. I literally laughed out loud at that one. It was probably true. I told him that I would have made him a really bad wife since that time I was really immature (still kinda am) and I didn't know how to love people correctly. Yes, I am honestly saying that, even after all I put myself through, I am convinced that although I loved all my exes very much, I didn't really love them the way I wanted to truly love them.
So that is why for my next beloved, I would have to learn how to do household chores well and hopefully cook something that wouldn't poison him and my future spawn. That is if I would be able to reproduce at all.
We talked about how I should follow what my mom said and my fears that if I work in Batangas, inevitably, I would see a parade of men who my relatives think is good enough for me to marry. I told him about it and his old self kind of came up. He still feels a bit defensive when I talk about the future that I would have with someone else. I don't assume that he still loves me the way that he did but I think that he clings to those memories because for him he was really happy during those times. So much so that he basically elevated those memories to something that seemed to have happened inside a dream. I don't really know and I don't want to poke the dragon all that much. I can say as much as me wanting to find a guy just like him minus the drama and he says there is only one like him.
I believe myself to have a type in men. It's just that my type of men almost always turn out to be liars. So I want the guys I met before their good points and some tolerable bad points to merge with honesty and offer me that man as an able-bodied member of society. Cooking and fighting skills sold separately. ^^
I really don't want to be the kind of woman who only talks to my exes when they are already paired up with someone or they are already dying. I want to forgive them way sooner than that. I want to share my life with them without having to explain to anyone why I feel justified to be friends with them. Because these people, regardless of what they did in the end of it, made me feel human love. They were those, who saw me without any mask. Even my friends see me wearing a mask all the time. I was stripped of all that when I was with them. Although I will never trust them with my heart again (yes, I am unforgiving in that sense) I know that I can trust them with secrets and even to tell me when I am making an ass of myself. They knew a different me from who I want to be or who I am now so I know that they can tell the difference. And because they were lovers in the past, then can tell me what I did do right or wrong when I was still loving them. That is something not even my closest friends can come close to being experts on.
I will always love the people that I loved before. But as a student of Love without being with that person, I have graduated from thinking that the impossible can be done through love. Love is an energy and it has many limitations. The vessel from which love comes from or stays is also limited and frail. So I can't play with this energy and my vessel of energy but trying every frequency or wave. I need to open it and wait for the right voltage to hit me once again.
Like Mark said, like all my friends and well-meaning strangers said, "it will happen if it's meant to happen". I am still young. (and even if I wasn't) I should just focus on making a better me then he would come along and figure something that the others didn't. That I am a keeper.

I know you know the feeling

Have you ever had this nagging feeling that you are surrounded by idiots? Seriously this is new to me. I had always been surrounded by people who were way smarter than I am. It's nerve-wracking that I feel  like sometimes the people I work with are not...qualified. No, let me correct that. I know most of the people I work with now are qualified. There is just one person whose blatant disregard for pronunciation and grammar rules that makes me look down at everyone else.
Believe me, the people from my previous company were not perfect. I could hear the mispronounced words and grammar errors of my teams everyday while I was there. But there is a limit to the abuse my ears can take.

I keep thinking (in my evil arrogant head) "Why is this woman teaching English?" Why in Buddha's benevolent nirvana is this person TEACHING for a living? Her use of expressions were worse than most of my students. Her "corrections" are a poor excuse. I know we can't all be wonderful and awesome all the time, but is it really possible that she is good on paper but not good in spoken English? If that is the case, why are they paying her to teacher english over the phone?

I understand that somehow loyalty has bearing for some companies. I tried my best not to snarl or faint whenever I hear her have class. But the thing is, she talks louder than I do. And it's like nails being electronically punched into my brain whenever she makes mistakes.

I am not saying all her sentences are incorrect. But the mistakes she makes shouldn't be mistakes that you make on a daily basis. I am sure I mess up at times as well. But sick or not, she's abysmal.

I zone her out when she doesn't make mistakes. But when I hear grammar errors, alarms go off in my head. Why? Because it's part of my job. And even before that, it was part of my education and the CommArts culture. We do judge people based on their grammar skills. Being in a community of speakers and writers, we had to.

I like my spot. I can't move from her. It's the least cold place in the tiny ass floor area that we have. But sometimes I just want to choke her.

+++

Pet Peeve #2

People who lie to me. Or at least friends who smile at me when I am around but try to underhandly leave me out of their lives.
I find out things in unconventional ways. People just have a way of "telling" me things without considering it is a bad idea to do so.
I found out he wanted to make a new account that someone else can control. I had given him an account. I had modified it as he wanted. And now he wants a new one. It's the lie of the friendster accounts all over again. I want to smash his head on the wall and see if he has brains in it. T_T Idiot. I thought he wanted his private life private. I thought he wanted to take control of his online persona. But I guess he doesn't know how to change passwords. I still added him since it's there. I still want to be friends with him. But he just pisses me off now that I no longer love him. I have no patience for men who apologize for the past and then try to push me out of their lives when I have already offered my forgiveness, my valuable friendship and a bit of concern.

He wants me to not know what is up with him. Fine. Then he should stop taking the reigns of the YM and just let me talk to the other guys. Because I am not hurt as an ex. I am hurt as a friend. No real friend of mine would keep having a new account from me. Unless he or she wants nothing to do with me, offline and online. C'est la vie. C'est la moi.

I need to just say this, for whatever reasons I found out, "You're a jerk. And I am glad I am over you. Have  a nice life."

Note to self: Avoid dating or falling in love with inconsiderate assholes.

Some things are about me

I talked to him after my other friend caught me online. Ripped abs didn't do me any harm this time. Not immunity, no never that. I would always like ripped abs. Maybe it's because I have puked out all of my affections for Robin Types that he is getting bulldozed along the way. It's funny how he uses Dove and I use Dove. A long time ago, Queenie's Dove green tea from Riyadh were reduced to a pulp with the many baths that were taken with it. And for a man who soaped a lot, it was understandable that my house mate told me to tell him to bring his own soap. ^_^

He's working with my other friend now, the one who I was really supposed to talk to. I met Furdee. (That would be his nickname though his name just sounds like that. He would also be referred to as Manong F. Apparently he is Andy's friend. We all know who Andy is, it's my ex's secret nickname.) He is from Batangas too and he is 29. ^_^ He is nice enough. I hope if he catches me online he won't piss me off. There are too many hentai men online and I don't want to add him on the list.

Andy said he is working for Cype's workplace for a while. But his old workplace is asking him to come back, saying that they would give him all that he wants. He wants to go home first. He is thinking of doing that next year. I chimmed in that he should do that and see his kids as well as enjoy his family. And that when he comes back, then he would be energized when it comes to working overseas. He said his dad wants him to go home. I chided that perhaps he didn't want you there. He agreed. He said his cousin might be helping him go to HongKong. I thought that might not be a good idea since HK peeps don't necessarily like Pinoys right now. Some might still be holding a "national grudge" regarding what happened. But he said he might work in a factory there. I was worried  because as far as I could remember, he wasn't supposed to carry heavy stuff. But I figured he already did when he worked as a waiter. That doesn't mean I miss him as he wants to believe. I worry about all of my friends. Especially the larger macho ones who think they are invisible.

He smoked a couple of times (at least he had one in his mouth) and I teased that I would smoke too. But I couldn't find my lighter, thank God. So they had to leave and so I had to cut the conversation short. He still called me with endearments that he should no longer use and were telling me things he oughta be telling Her. But I guess teasing without actually feeling anything is not so bad. If I can make him smile a bit, that should be okay. But saying, even in a joke, offering to father my imaginary kids is not okay. (This was in leu of him telling me not to smoke and me telling him I am not pregnant yet so I can still do. Pompous ass thinks he can tell me what to do. But then again, he is like a DAD when he says stuff like that.)

Anyway, no I am sorry as much as people or you might think it's romantic, but a woman pinning for your sorry ass I am not. I am too busy writing about love, reading and editing novels about it, making comics, being with friends, working, and barely surviving to have any time to think of you.

But like all loves in the past, you are there in the back of my mind, with everybody else. And even there, you try your best to bully them so that I would think of you first, when I have my rare times to think for my own pleasure. That is becoming rarer and farther in between.

I am glad I didn't sleep early, once again God had offered me peace of mind. And I take it greedily. Look at your women, go home to Her someday and let me be...just a friend that makes you smile once in a while. But you are no longer my burden to carry. Your happiness is no longer center to my goals. I can sleep knowing I only have mine to worry about.

So no, my new baseball bat is not for you. And no, I would not hit you with Rading, my new wooden bat, because it is for ME. For my new exercise routine. For my pleasure (and as for my arms, my pain) and my benefit.

Oddly enough, some things are about me.