Surprising Happy Thought

The funny thing was that I was on a bus, contemplating a week of not seeing Ne Sarang, when I saw him waiting for his bus at Boni. I called out for him but he was plugging into another universe (his BM) so he didn't see me. I flailed my hands and caught the attention of most of the people on the bus. I am sure I look like Toni when she said, "I love you, Piolo." Since the bus wasn't moving, I went down and went to where he was. He was surprised to see me and happy at the same time. He told me that he went on a road trip with some classmates. I was happy that I wore the dress Rein gave me. I was in my girly mode that day not knowing I would see him.

I realized then that Ico had better backing than the others. Somehow coincidence or not, the universe was telling me, this boy has better timing. I would have loved to have spent more time with him but I am happy he wasn't pouty over the fact that I need to spend a lot of time editing novels. I know it would take months to finish everything. But I hope he would understand. He teases me that he feels neglected over all that. And I had not been the warmest kinda person when someone ticks me off.

But that day, I felt the warmth of my friend's and co-TOPpers affection and the support of the universe by throwing me a surprise happy thought. At least between me and my adversaries, I am able to smile over the smallest things that come from the big things in my life that they don't have. I don't need the applause of many, I just need to the love of one.

Ha!

Hanging out my Laundry

Emo day. Just let me do this today. I will get over it. I honestly don't care if you or anyone else cries about this because I for one is not able to stop myself from randomly crying in all the wrong times.

For context, dear ka-chismisan, read this and this.

I suddenly remember that Hot Mamah said albeit in her lovely sarcastic voice that I blog about everything. It's only to keep myself from becoming bat crap crazy.

thanks Shen.

Make-up and Make-out

Postponing koidis is not my cuppa tea. But when there is no venue to propagate I am calm enough to be without it. In fact, I encourage it. It gives me more time to shape up for the adventure. I'll just think of it as an experiment on normal relationships. But the thing about ultimatums and celibacy is that they never work out or last. ^.^
So I will just sit back, relax and enjoy the show. ^.^

I am dead tired. And it's Monday. Sunday refreshed me and gave me a vital boost when it comes to Ico and me. My mom says my sister misses me and I can't quite go home since I am doing a lot of things these days and I have barely enough time to sleep. I hate to compare it but FIRE has a severely unreliable system compared to Dante's Inferno. There are paperworks in Dante's inferno that keeps everything in line and updated. Fire people haven't even figured out where is where when it comes to their references. I plan to fix it even before I leave for Necromancerville.

Just yesterday one of the midgets from Fire was talking about scriptures that didn't match with anything in the archives that I had. T_T, I had a rightful mental bitch fit because I prepared for classes ahead of time and hate it when I get blindsided like that. It's freaking irritating.

Well, I need to buy make-up. I need maskara. I need pressed powder - Garnier. I already have eye shadow and lipstick. I don't really like using blush since I am a mocha girl. *oo maitim na ako* I need a pick-me-up moment since I am going to stretch myself thin.

I am glad that Ne Sarang is going to focus on school and get this mind off distractions. I hope that would give me relative peace and would give him more time to mature into his role as the MANfriend and not just the boyfriend.

Eiga Sai with my Kobito

I said before while I was in line for Eiga Sai, "Someday I'll find a boy who would be patient enough to wait in line for me for these movies."

And yesterday, he came albeit we were behind schedule and not so patiently, we hugged, kissed, ate, and waited in line.

I honestly forgot that he was driving me nuts last Friday. I guess that is the vital relationship information that I didn't learn from my past relationships since they were usually suspended in animation and removed from the reality of things.

Or maybe because I didn't want to adjust AT ALL during those time. Now I am a bit more flexible. *pun intended*

He didn't know about that tiny little Eiga Sai wish that I had. And I was glad that I didn't have to tell him about it for him to stay and watch with me. I pouted and albeit having to wait HOURS, he still agreed to stay. In turn, I fed us as much as I could. Burgers, franks, popcorn, jellybeans and chocolates from Lizzie. I am sorry that I ruined my Ne Sarang's diet. T_T, But see, no rice? *still that is a whole bunch of calories that he would have to shake off.

I am happy to see him and I realized that the heart or the stomach doesn't need to flip when you see a person you love. It could be a sense so peace.

I guess that he is my panda. We can achieve inner peace together.

I am sure we would spar more in the future. But then again, I am the Tiger Dragon lady's daughter. (My cousins call my mom that since she's super scary for them and extremely maternal) So it fits.

 We watched Summers with Coo and The Chef of South Polar. The first one was an animated film and I cried towards the end. I loved it so much. I was apprehensive since I didn't want to watch an animated film since I thought I watched enough anime. But this one was good. I think if I can find a copy of it I would make my cousins and sister watch it. As for the The Chef of South Polar, I hated it since the food there made me hungry. It was funny and the vice-principal in Gokusen Live Action was Moto-san in the movie. He is really funny looking.

I recommend that you try to catch the remaining showing of those two films. I will try to catch other showings next time. But I only have the weekends free.

I compiled the synopsis of some of the stories and I will try to copy the ones in the pamphlet that we got at the event. Check the schedule here now.
This is the official news from the Japan Foundation website.
The flyer is here.

Long Weekend in Bullet points

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. After the Padi's point event, which was nice since I felt refreshed when I woke up, my weekend seemed propelling into an whirpool.

I will just erase some of the parts so that I will never remember them again. I am not big on airing out my dirty laundry (hindi daw o) and I would like to just focus on the fact that

1. We managed to watch First Class and it was awesome!

2. I managed to introduce Ico to Ate Joy and Jewe, my college roomies at 4214 Women's Dorm.

3. I was able to go home and get my laundry taken care of.

4. I watched the last few episodes of Playful Kiss again and it inspired me.

5. I was able to make a new story concept MY KIMCHI KIKAY which I plan to finish and submit to COH when it's done.

6. I have written 3414 words for MY KK. ^.^ And some of them were on the bus ride back to Makati yesterday. I almost missed my stop. T_T, Good thing I didn't leave anything on the bus.

Lessons learned:

1. I am always going to be lost.

2. Boyfriend needs to get used to the room's temperature and would go all pouty on me when he is in transition. Do not take this personally.

3. I am still a deep empath. I need to remember that I should surround myself with positive people. So boyfriend needs to put his happy thoughts and direct them to the universe otherwise he is on thin ice. I really don't want a forever with a person who I have to tolerate as an emo or a raincloud.

4. Not saying anything can save a relationship more than confronting every little misunderstanding. At least in my case since I NEVER SHUT UP.

5. Rice crispies are called BUSA in Batangas. ^.^ I had forgotten that and it's great to remember that again.

6. I need to clean my room so that I would be open to writing. T_T *Right this is gonna happen*

Things to do this week:

1. Send paperwork necessary for the "through the fire" gig.

2. Write more chapters for MY KK. *Finish if at all possible.

3. Save moolah for rent and for Banaple date with Trina, Ji and Fried.

4. Find out where Banaple is. ^.^

5. Get the package that is coming on June 11th. Remember to tell friends about it on the 12th.

6. Text bf more positive things. ^.~

97 of 100 days : The PandaBear Project

I need more time. I need more of everything in my life. I think this is what having has done to my life. I think this is what reality-based love has done for me. Before I was inspired to dream and to write and simply to BE when I was with other people. I didn't care about control and I was always so very reckless. No second thoughts, no plans, just winging it. And I got my life and my heart broken into a million pieces.

I want him to understand this but he can't seem to bear hearing all the details. So some things get lost in translation. I know that he loves me and I really love him now more than I care to say. But that is the problem I think. Before my ego was the only thing that could get hurt, I always thought that if plans don't fall through then I have other things to do.

I have never dated a guy who made date plans and who took the initiative. Maybe once but he was gay so he doesn't count.

The problem is this time I expect more from myself and I know what I want and that becomes a problem because my personality is too strong for him to make a mark of his own. He knows that he doesn't take charge all too often. But I don't like to be the one who makes all the plans. I am a control freak and I want to not be like that. But it doesn't mean that I don't feel bad when things are not going my way.

I am a positive person and I've dated guys I tagged as emo. They are like an emotional black hole. Everything that comes near them gets sucked in. And quite frankly I am tired of men like that. Regular emos, fine. But black holes, HELL NO.

My love has the makings of a black hole. And I want him to stop eating up my sunshine. But this is how I know how to help him. But there would be times when he needs to remember, I don't need apologies, I need results. And when I say something is not gonna work out that means it's really not going to work out. And insisting on something that is not gonna work out is just adding to my stress.

I don't want him to be too malleable. I want him to take charge on things that matter. What I wear, what I say and what I do when we are not together is my business. As long as I don't cheat on him, I believe I decide those things. Most guys like to "handle" their women. I don't want that. And I think Ne Sarang tried that and he knows (hopefully he'll remember) that where I am, what I do, when I sms him or not, what I wear are my business. Getting bugged about them is a definite pet peeve. My mom learned this in the last five years.

I understand that not seeing each other every day is an unusual set-up. But that's just for now. Because once he graduates, we can celebrate wherever and whenever. We can go jogging whenever and wherever. Those plans are not just for now, they can be done in the future. There is no deadline to meet and anniversaries are just days.

What matters is that sms or no sms, I am thinking of him; propinquity or none he's in my heart.

I know there were setbacks in dating a younger guy but I always think that an honest heart that loves me is still much better than an illusion.

Hell Hath No Fury

I am glad that I have Ico in my life more now than ever before. He saved me from myself. I was delivered from the impending doom that would befall me if the past comes back to haunt me. True enough it was the other guy who unshackled me when he revealed the most awful truth, that no matter what, he was not the man that I thought he was. That I was in love, pinning for and believed a big fat lie.

Now I am embracing the truth. Sure it's freaking irritating half of the time, but the alternative turns my stomach.

Yes, I am judgmental. I am judging myself most of all. Because I knew that I was making excuses for the things that he could not give me but I desperately wanted. I had always wanted peace of mind. I want that in my relationship because I am already an out of control person. I tend to be very moody and hard to handle. It's a Gemini thing.

I match well with Arieses since they can mellow me down. But I find them too, for lack of a better term, emo for my taste. Now I get along with Geminis but that is if we are the same side of the twin. That is why my bestie is called "Kambal" because he is a Gemini too.

I am dating a Gemini. I am the flirty, immature side. He tends to be the flighty, immature side too that is struggling to be the opposite of himself. I know that this would be a relationship that would have a lot of highs, devastating clashes and lows.

But I am not worried about whether I will love him less because of the things that would happen. I am the kind of person who thinks love is like good wine. It will get better with age and with more time.

But I am grateful. God somehow is sending me a clear message. It's between us, this divine joke that I picked up on. He always tends to give me the opposite of what I ask for. And He likes to give me lessons using people as his tools.

I think I learned my lessons well from the past. I am not about to make the same mistakes to feel the rush that I felt in the past. Because I am all about new experiences. This time I want to experience a normal state of happiness. *rolls eyes* Besides, I am already an adventure. I don't have to play with fire to know that I am capable of fireworks.

*Note to trolls and people who have an opposite opinion: Deal with it. Read the title. If you don't know what that means, Google it.

Is He Worth it?

In the back of my mind I always ask this about the men that my friends date. And there are times when the voice in my head is so bitchy that the words slip out and I tell them that no, I don't think that he is. You know what I am talking about, it's the naggy bitch you in your head you can know just by looking at a couple if they are really going to make it.

But I always always always hope that things would work out for my friends. Because if they are happy then I am happier.

The problem was that I always ignored this question before. I always just lived in the moment. I called it, "My version of forever". I had never wanted to have a future with those men I dated. Yes, I know that sounds so bitter but it's true. I had a type and that was UNATTAINABLE MEN. The people who know my history understand this about me. They know the people that I have dated are exactly like that.

I somehow made myself believe that they would be worth it. Ignoring red flags is my thing. I think this is why I am so critical towards Mond. It causes me to compare him with them and he doesn't realize that the reason why is I am trying to motivate him is because I don't want him to end up like them. None of my exes finished college. And I think that made them feel a little less around me. I know people who have better jobs and paychecks than me but didn't finish college. There is a taboo stigma about that amongst families and they carry a specific shield for that. And I would really really want Mond to stop getting beef over the fact that he is still in school.

I felt relieved when he told me that he would focus on his goals. That is a good sign I think. I always get this weird feeling in my past when a guy tries to connect his dreams and hopes with mine. I had a negative experience about a man not leaving because he couldn't trust me enough to leave me. I think he thinks that was his feelings and love telling him to do it. But I believe it was because he didn't think that he was going to be good enough for me to wait for him. I did wait. And all the reason he can give me was that he couldn't contact my phone and my brother's. I guess he was not as resourceful as I had hoped. He even believed his friend that I was in Canada. Idiot. If he has said goodbye in the first place...I wouldn't be happy now. So I am thankful to him for letting me learn my lesson well.

I tend to learn my lessons the hard way. I don't regret making them. People are so hung up on the bad things that happened to us that we refuse to move past them. And that is why most of us are stuck doing the same things to people who had nothing to do with the past pains that we are still enduring.

This is why I know that I have a healthier relationship now than the ones that I had before. Now, I can trust the happiness that I feel. I can trust that this relationship would be one where I would grow as a person. I honestly didn't know who I was when I was still with the other guys. And I think that being in love with myself now more than in the past made me a better person to be with. Sure, I can still be very hard to deal with at times, but now, I can have the best of the old me and the present me. Meshing them together is going to make me crazy to deal with for a while but once the dust settles, I would be an awesome girlfriend.

I learned that we can't be stressed at the same time. That we need to disinengage when something like that happens. I can't make him learn to be less sensitive, but I know that he is smart enough to realize that he is very moody. He needs to take that under control and I can only help as much as not comparing him to other people and aggravating him. He learned to use his anger to do good things like jogging though. I am happy with that improvement.

I like to think that I can influence people to do things. I hope that I can influence Ico to do good things. And I hope that I don't turn him into something he doesn't want to become. I have corrupted many people in my past. I don't want to do the same now.

I know that there would be a lot of things that we would have to deal with, but I think as of press time, Ico is worth the effort.

 
In case you are into bums, which I am not, you might want to read this. 

The Vulnerable side of love

I don't like it when I have to consider the feelings of others. I am the most inconsiderate person that I know. I have to consciously make an effort to not be a brutally frank person. I have a faulty filtering system and I don't like to keep things in.

So I hurt people all the time. I hurt those who I love more than often.

My real problem is that I expect them to all be thick-skinned enough to not give in to what I say.

I made the mistake of showing the side of me that I know people should never see. And I determined something about our relationship because of that.

Nyanya doesn't show her vunerable side to people whom she doesn't love. So I know I don't have to wait for the 100 days to be done. I know that he's the one in my heart and although he ticks me off at times, I know I love him.

Finally.

I know my friends are all trying to pry it out of me. And they haven't stopped teasing me to my office crush and my ex because of it. They think that Ico might be a rebound guy or that he doesn't have a hold on my heart.

Well, this time around the love isn't something that swept me off my feet. It was something that woke me up in the middle of the night and told me to be true to myself.

And you know what? I feel like I am in a real relationship this time. I told him that I needed someone who can take care of me and not the other way around. He said I was like his mom and I told him that if he wanted to compare me to his mother then he should treat his mom better. I have heard Mark say that he loves his mom but he lies to her and he lies to the women in his life because it's convenient for him. How a man treats his mother is how he would treat his future wife or the woman in his life. JL wanted to please his mother even though it was against ever cell in his body. And that was what happened to us too. He tried to do something that doesn't seem natural to him. And I ended up getting hurt in the end.

I want Ico to have a good relationship and to be more mature when dealing with his mother. There is no other woman he should love more than her. And he shouldn't show his love for me and just assume that his mom understands that he loves her without him showing it everyday.

I want an honest man who loves and respects mothers, his most of all and is not too hung up on being macho to show his love.

If a man lies to his mother, don't expect him to tell you the truth all the time.

I know I am prejudiced when I say this but I know this to be true. There are things of course that my parents do not know about me. But those are things that are between me and other people and doesn't concern them. But if it involves them, then they have access to that information. I am actually very open about those things. I realized that they are the only people who would love and support me when I am fracking up. I might not always listen to their suggestions but I am living based on the values that they themselves instilled in me.

I hate it when people hurt themselves because of me or because they say that they can't live without me. It seems too pathetic and me insinuating that I might not be around to see it is even more pathetic. I know that I am empathic. This is why I don't like hanging out with emos and jejemons. I don't want to be like them. So Ico needs to put his shit together. Because he can't get his strength from me. He needs to generate his own. And his shit won't fly with me if he dives into panic mode every time that there is an argument. That is so childish and pathetic.

I am trying to teach him to use his emotions as a energy source to do good things. But so far, he hasn't learned that fully. On my side, I relearned vulnerability. But this time around, I have high hopes that my love would not squander my trust. Unlike the other before him.

Insensitive Meanie Girlfriend + Forgetful Sensitive Boyfriend = Adjustments Galore

Sometimes I can be such a bitch.
I tend to nag and say the meanest things without having to raise my voice. I know this for a fact. My friends and exes say this about me. I tend to emancipate them. It's degrading. I really don't want to be a naggy mom or a naggy wife or a boring, emotional road roller girlfriend. It's how I was in the past. And since I am trying my best to change my relationship style, I want to always give Ico a happy day. I don't want to add to the pressure or the depressing comments that people say to him.

But I can't help it sometimes. There are just so much to learn. I wondered what the hell he went through with his exes that he didn't learn all of these stuff. What the hell were they doing the whole time, staring at each other?

I think it's the responsibility of a couple to learn new things TOGETHER. Sharing this learning shapes the life of the two people who are planning to share a life together. I can't be the only one teaching him things. I think patience and tact are the things that he is teaching me.

I am an emotional steamroller. My friends know this about me. I can't filter my meanie mode and the side comments that I have in my head. The process is spark to spit and there is no firewall for it. Blurter, that I am.

But I can't be crass when it comes to him. I don't want to damage him any further. It's not my job to fix him either unlike what other people are insinuating. For one thing, the things he needs to fix or adjust are things only he can help himself with. I can't make him any thinner or bigger than he already is. He needs to work on it on his own. I have no self-confidence or self-control transferring device that can give him my extra arrogance. ^.^ He needs to learn how to make his weaknesses his extra strengths. It took me so many years to figure out how to do that. And almost always that's accidental. But for god's sake, tears are for times when you are no longer able to think of a solution. It is for me a sign of giving up before you even try. I only cry when there is blood, death and no chance in hell that things would go my way.

I tried to be sweeter since that movie date. I know that I can be a freaking sandpaper person. But that makes them smoother in the end, right? But as I need to learn, change and "shiny-ness" needs to be voluntary, otherwise you are just setting yourself up for disappointment because you can't turn a piece of hardened turd into a shinny rock. It would take years for that thing to harden and even then a good clean shot with a hammer would break it easily.

He said via plurk that he felt like I was putting him on the friend zone. And he didn't remember what he said that got him out of that. It was a rare moment for me so I remember it clearly, that question that he asked right in the middle of a normal conversation that I knew he was so nervous but he still asked. And he tells me he doesn't remember. *pouts* MEN!

But I don't want him to get it from me. Things like those are important to me. I call them milestones. There is something that is unlocked with the correct passwords. My heart is like one of those books where you have to choose from two things then you can have more than one kind of ending.

I hope he doesn't use the "I am forgetful" card on me again. I am extremely forgetful but I remember the things that I believe counts.

I believe that this is one of my baggages. Do you know that my first boyfriend didn't greet me on my 18th birthday. Then even my last one didn't know when my real birthdate is. People are under the assumption that I was born a day after my real birthdate. T_T And it's not just about birthdates that tick me off. Anniversaries and also little things that I believe shouldn't be shift+delete worthy. T_T I guess this is where my illusion of grandeur started. I wanted to be unforgettable so much so that I would defy the order of the land and quite frankly my own rational mind just so the other person would be haunted by me for the rest of his life.

But that is just a myth. People forget people who don't matter to them. I know that I remember my memories with them in it. But I purge memories too. But not as easily as others assume I can or do themselves.

Quarter Life Sucker Punch

I have a reason why I don't like to meet the parents that would sound really really really mean. I tend to be liked by parents. Well, for the most part I am good on paper. From the province, studied in good schools, have a great family background, etc. I may not be pretty but I tend to bring out the best in the men that I love or date.

But the problem is that I know how it is when things don't work out. I never break up with boyfriends. It's either they leave me or they just plain leave the country. So it's hard to wonder what I do with the closeness I have with the parent. It was hard for me when I had to stop texting L's mom. She was super nice to me. And she was hoping I could make a man out of her son. But I know that things wouldn't have been okay had we stayed together. I love him the way that he is and he needed to be true to what he wanted to do in his life.

Ico is close to his parents. In a dependent kinda of way. They are very very co-dependent in their family. But I think that Ico is dependent on them in the wrong ways. He doesn't share his mind with them and opens his heart to what is behind the being strict and worries. I didn't either when I was in my early twenties. I just thought my mom was being her old anal self trying to press me into the virginal little girl they had thought would be the right personality for me to have.

His dad is saying that he is changing and doing much better for himself. But I am worried that he is doing this for me. Yes, I know that sounds both mean and extremely arrogant. But I know the effort that I am exerting to encourage him can become the very reason he can fall really really hard.

I have seen it happen. When a man gets used to the idea that someone would be there for him even if his own family doesn't think he can be anything more than the trash that they say he is, that person becomes the center of their universe. All happiness hails from that person. So they adjust or change their ways to become the man that person wants them to be. They sometimes ignore their friends and their better judgement and end up becoming a very boring shell of their old self. If they were truly wild and adventurous this would make them a normal guy who can have fun and work without loosing sight of what matters. But if he was just a normal guy to begin with, he becomes a boring, excitable and scared wuss. His ego is gone completely that the next girl who might get a chance to catch his fancy would see him not for the awesome person that he is but as a project to fixed or someone who is not worth their time.

Ico is not a project. I am the project. I want to be able to slowly show my love and not drown anybody in the process.

I don't want him to think that the things that I am introducing him, my suggestions and opinion about certain things are geared towards making him like my exes.

If I wanted him to be just like them, then I would just date them, right? Am I really really don't wanna!

I hope that he realizes and thinks that his self-improvement is not for me. The same way my self-improvement is not for him. They are for me, so I can have more to offer other people especially him. So that I can be happier even if I am on my own. So I can support myself and probably my family.

My mom told me to choose who I want to support, my sister or my grandfather. I wanted to tell her, one, he is not my father and two I never asked for a little sister. I wanted to tell her that she should've never had another kid to support. She would be saving all of her money for retirement if she hadn't. That I couldn't even support myself, how can she expect me to support anyone.

But what I said was that I really want to be able to give her money and she can do whatever she wants with it. But I need to pay my debt to her first so I want her to force me to do it. I told her that I would try to cut down on my spending when in fact that is what I am doing. But my pay is peanuts compared to what it used to be. And it's my fault that I never saved money during that time. All I got to show for my stint in E-lamp is my broken down laptop, my full HD and body fat from all the eating. I told her that if I ended up not having a family and my brothers ended up not having families then we would support them. I know for sure that my brothers would take their time before they'd get married. My younger brother GM has yet to post any couple pictures. And Alvin is too busy with his studies and career to start getting tied down. And I really don't think getting knocked up is in the stars for me. So I know that I wouldn't be the first.

Things at work at not that cool. I was right about this competition thing causing more problems that it's supposed to. Sure I am happy that Amber was restored to us but I hate that it caused politics, rumors and conflicts. It sucks. Competitions cause negative things. It doesn't help anyone to pit them against each other.

Anyway, things are going to be different from now on. I really want to try to follow my mom's advice to quit smoking. Since Ico has asthma, then we should work together not to smoke. Even Hot Mamah bought an e-cig so that means most of use really want to quit. My cough is reminding me that my lungs are not as strong as I hope it is. So unless I want to get lung cancer, I should just stop. No excuses.

Baby steps.

I will buy a new coin bank later.
I will talk to Ico about doing a "couple quit" thing regarding the smoking bit.

Either way, I am watching Sucker Punch later with him after we eat with my teammates who insist on doing this team celebration thing later. T_T,

Tired of Being Little Miss Sunshine

I noticed this about some of the guys that I have dated. They seem to constantly walk around with a personal dark cloud that rains on their parade all the time.

*cue "Don't Rain on My Parade" of Glee here*

JL was carrying his own baggage. I understand those very well. I couldn't work it out with him because we wanted different things.

Mark as a super emo guy. I had a hard time making him laugh. It was a struggle to make his sense of humor come out. I was exhausted all the time in making him laugh. It was like I had to drag every smile out of him.

Ico, as we all know by now, is a recovering emo too. I want to whip the emo out of him. But I can't I tried that with other people and it never works out.

I can't change people. They can't change. That is the basic principle. People who say that they have changed are big fat liars. We can adjust our energies and point our flaws towards a target that could actually make them strengths rather than weaknesses. For example. I never shut up. So I worked as a teacher. Being able to be witty and chatty makes me good at my job. Otherwise, I would irritate co-workers. This is why I don't like office work. People would shush me constantly and I might just cheerfully murder them if they do that on an off day.

I am also very moody. Although I love my friends, they know this about me. There are days when I am as patient as a Buddhist monk and days when I don't tolerate even the simple dumb sentence. I guess it's scary for guys to have a girlfriend who seems to have a multiple personality. But the rewards are addictive, so is my love. ^.~

I need to master the art of give and take, of not having the same tantrum at the same time. I know that I need to be more mature. *so.freaking.hard* I know that I am like a child half of the time. And I want my boyfriend to be a go-getter. But I can't make him do something that he doesn't want to. I am not that kind of girlfriend. I don't like forcing things down people's throats. I tried doing that with my love for them and they puked it out. It took a while to wash off all the shit they puked out. Not going to clean up after a man and I will not be his GPS device. I want him to be a good son. I know that this is step one in being a good man.

NOTE TO ALL MEN: If your girlfriend is the one you ask permission to when you go out with your friends, you are an asshole of a son. Who do you think pushed you out of her vagina? *Don't you dare make an innuendo of pushing something into your girl's vajayjay or I will bite you in the neck and chew off a major artery.*

I know I was a bit of a headache for my mom when I was still studying. I want to make it up to all the moms in the world. I learned a lot of things the hard way. I want Ico to have a good relationship with his mom. Because I have a good relationship with mine. I know that there is a smaller chance of him being an asshole husband who cheats and whines because his dad is a good role model.

But sometimes, I just want to be the one who is being cheered on. *He does this actually without him knowing about it.* I want someone to take care of me and not the other way around. I want to pout and not feel like I am doing something that beneath my personality or age.

Even when I was with guys who were older than me, I had to lead the relationship. I think it's my personality. This is why I don't really care if they can't handle it. I always thought that if a guy wasn't going to be able to handle me, he has no right hanging out with me.

I still believe that unfortunately. But this time I am not going to make excuses for my boyfriend. He can be what he is and still achieve his personal dreams and goals. I have personal dreams and goals and if he gets in the way of that, I can survive without sex and relationships.

I need a love that makes me want to be better than I am. I don't need a prince or an illusion. I need a man who would support me and can support himself at the same time. And I mean this, emotionally, financially and physically.

I can't be little miss sunshine all the time. It's fucking exhausting. I have shit I have to deal with and I am not asking anyone to fix my problems for me. Just to not burden me with theirs as well.

I have no cloud that follows me around. I have sunbeams shooting out of my eyes and rainbows coming out of my ass. Deal with it.

Forgotten blogs

I know that I have some rant blogs that I was supposed to write. But since the emotion have already passed and I am not the kind to keep it in, I have already forgotten all that has happened so what's the point of ranting about it.

I dwell on the happy thoughts thank you very much. So lemme tell you about the first time I ever watched a ballet performance with my boyfriend.

Yes, you heard me. I made my boyfriend watch ballet. *teehee* The KABARET was a nice experience for me. Minus the weird stage set-up and mosquitoes, I have learned some things about myself.

One, I prefer classical ballet to the modern renditions.
Two, ballerinas and male ballet dancers can be funny too.
Three, I really want to learn how to do pole dancing.

*screech sound* Yes, you read it right, pole dancing. There was a woman who won an international pole dancing competition who did a performance. I felt sad that I didn't borrow anyone's camera. I really need to buy one. If I had the old Kodak camera that we had at home, I would have been able to make stills of her performance. That would've been cool.

But I need to loose a lot of weight and train a lot before I can get my self through that. *second thoughts* It's too expensive. *puts pole dancing lessons in "in case I win the lottery and I have nothing else to do with my money" list*

My friends, JI and Trina met Ne Sarang. He was really quiet. We ate at the version of Bancheto of The Fort. I ate cheesy potatoes and *wait tries to remember* something else. Ico had his first White Chicago and he loved it. It turned out that his mom's co-worker is the proprietor of the cheesy potatoes. So when his mom checked up on him. He has a 10pm curfew. *Yes, I know how it sounds that my bf has a curfew and I don't. But it's a mom thing. ^.^* She told me that she knew the lady and that she brings them to her home once in a while. *WOW*

We went to Starbucks after that and they had coffee. I was too strung up to try to even drink coffee. If I drank coffee I would probably not sleep. I was too excited that day that I was bouncing around waiting for Ico to arrive. He had Saturday classes and had decided to come home before he went to Makati so he'd be able to take a bath. I was wringing my cp the whole time I was waiting at my friends' apartment.

But he was honest enough to say later that there were parts that he didn't understand what he was watching. I honestly had not problem understanding it, but the whole moving my neck to see a good look at the performance was stressful. I realized then that I want to watch ballet in a theater type stage and not in this kind of set up. It's too hard. I also need glasses. But those would have to wait. My roommate is leaving on the 15th of April and I have to pay 4,000 a month again.

My mom had decided to help out by letting me go home and giving me fare to go home. I can get my laundry taken cared of and she would give me some food to bring to Makati. I suddenly felt like in one blow, all of my personal goals for this year was shot to hell. Surely I can work on my loosing weight by not eating too much carbs, the oatmeal is already helping out but my weight will continue to yo-yo if I don't have money for a gym membership. And I was thinking that the only problem that I would have would be that I need to clean my room and my uptraining for OPIc. But loo and behold, my love life seems to be doing okay but the rest is fucked up.

But I am a resilient little bug. I am not going to let it get me down. It's a challenge. A personal battle against what I am capable of doing and enjoying under the worst of circumstances. Being a pessimist isn't going to help me. I need to move forward and work at things one at a time.

I still plan to list down the money that my mom would give me. I personally take it as part of my debt to her. I want to be the one giving her money and not the other way around. That is my only dream. I will work hard to reach that goal.

Pandabear Project 29 of 100 : Even When I am Disillusioned

I talked to Ico's dad yesterday. He's a self-proclaimed stage dad when it comes to Ne Sarang. I now know a little bit of the reason why my deary seems to have such a sheltered personality. And I have an inkling why he's clingy. His father said that Ico isn't street smart. There is a definite difference between him and the others that I have dated. But you know what, being street smart is something that we can learn together. And we have Google maps for getting around. But what you can't really learn or unlearn is being a cheater. It needs a constant awareness of your weakness and you need to be able to weight the temptations against your obligations well.

Some people never seem to learn that lesson. I am not judging I was weak once so well. It's just going backwards might not be a good idea.

But since I am a fan of "Do what makes you happy." then I support their happiness. I need to stop worrying about their lives and start putting mine back into shape. And by that I mean mah waistline. ^.^

There are a lot of things that could lead to misunderstandings and even the most reliable sources can give you the wrong information from time to time. Yesterday, Daddy Ico cleared up that he wasn't a fratman ever. Ne Sarang didn't seem to know that. It was unusual for me. I know a lot more than I care to know about my dad's boyhood days and his days in Mapua.

My dad talk to me when he's drunk or when he feels like sharing an anecdote about his days when he was still a student. I am extremely close to him and I still feel like a little girl when he's around. I am sure my sister loves that about my dad too. He's the spoiler, my mom is the disciplinarian.

I still haven't heard if Ne Sarang got the green light from this mom. I am worried because the tickets have already been booked. So if he can't come with me and since my roommate is swamped, I don't really have anyone else to bring.

His dad has my number and it almost feels like the time I was close to JL's mom. I just hope that things work out this time so I don't have to break up with another parent. But since Ne Sarang me more than anyone, I don't think he can be led astray by anyone. Also a big plus on his part compared to the rest. ^.^ Even my officemates says he's overly attentive. ^.^

Remember the time when you hoped that you would have someone in your life who would look at the disheveled you and still think you are the bomb? You don't feel your gut tightening or your heart skipping a beat but this warm spreading feeling of comfort?

You haven't?

I finally have.

It's awesome.

Happiness all around

I don't know if I should be happy for you or I should feel sad for her. I told you before not to make another me. You said she is your friend yesterday. Now she is the new girl in your life. Well, at least I taught you enough to make her a very very happy girl. You found someone to take care of you and perhaps to love you. I guess you are not as strong against temptation as I thought you would be. I guess what I know and heard about you is actually true.

But you know what? I don't care.

Why? Because as much as I have emptied my heart of romantic love for you, it's now slowly but surely being filled up with an honest and earnest love. It catches me by surprise when I feel like I am missing him and not really being able to pinpoint if it's a GREAT LOVE or not. But I am now sure that it's love that he is giving me. Not illusions of grandeur or a forbidden love affair. It doesn't make me hyperventilate as love in the past did. It actually makes me breathe easier and makes me smile.

I can say for sure, there is something to be said for slow and steady love. For the first time, I am actually taking things as they come and making myself more and more content. I haven't felt like this with anyone ever. I'm not sure my friends would understand. But I am sure they'll account it to me getting a little bit older and hopefully slightly more mature than I was before. I am not sure if I am not immature anymore *sighs* but I feel good despite having other surface problems at work and financially.

I have had the unbelievable, the forbidden and the reckless kinds of love. I guess all my mother's prayers that I find someone who would be above and beyond the men that I've loved, someone who wouldn't be a part of a fairytale but a reality that I could hold hands with for the rest of my life, have paid off.

There is a lot to be said for a man who is just starting out in his quest to be the man that he wants to become. And it's a good sign that he has a honest role model in his father. Sure his dad isn't perfect, at least he's not easily tempted to break his wedding vows. And he gives Ico excellent advice on love and relationships. Ne Sarang should listen to his dad.

I have seen pictures of his family and he tells me a lot about his family and I see a picture of my own forming in my mind. I know that when they meet him they would give him a hard time. I gave my cousins' boyfriends the once over and didn't approve of a lot of their guys. So far I have only liked three men, and they are already married into the family. They have proven to be good husbands to my cousins. And I applaud them. Of course, there is always those whom I don't like. And my friends know that if I don't like a person in the beginning, they almost always make a fool of themselves and make me smugly say, "I knew you were going to do something that would make me right about my gut feeling about you."

I know, I am judgmental like that.

I know that there are still a lot of things that Ico would have to do to prove himself to no one else but himself. I just don't want him to do the things that he needs to do to please other people or keep the wrong kinds of friends. I can let the gaming and the weird "trips" with male friends and cousins go. Because I trust that he won't do anything that he can't talk to me about. I already showed him that whatever he does would be fine as long as he knows where the line is and that he doesn't keep it from me. I can understand, God knows Mark knows how understanding I can be, but I don't take it lightly when you make a fool of me or try to protect me with lies.

That is how great loves get incinerated and cut off.

So to his Palestinian bombshell, good luck and enjoy it while it lasts. I did and I have wonderful memories of my time with him. I also learned that I deserve better.

To my Ne Sarang, I guess you can be rest assured that there wouldn't be any recycling of idiocies in my lifetime. Keep up the good work.  <3

Pandabear Project : 25 of 100 Tame Me

“To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world…If you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life..." The Little Prince 

There are times when I wonder how do I really fall in love. Does it really take time for me to do so or is my friend right, do I really just deny it until I no longer can. I know how attraction works. I have been attracted to the bad and the ugly. So is it now time to be attracted to the good? 

If so, then that's excellent. At the very least I can say that I've had it all and perhaps this time I can apply the lessons that I learned and not make the mistake of loving a man who can't love me or isn't really mine. 

I can't wait for my friends to see him. They haven't seen me with a good boy since they met me. I am sure Hot Mamah and Ysac would have things to say but I know they'd like him because for once, this one's good for me and I can keep him for as long as I want. 

Right, ne sarang? *winks*

 

Pandabear Project : 21 of 100 Of Milestones and Monthsaries

I wanted to celebrate the 100th, 300th,1000th,3000th etc days instead of doing the whole monthsary thing. But since I planned to bring Pandabear to the Kabaret thing with Hot Mamah and Ysac, he reminded me that we actually officially went out on the 19th. It would be one month since on that Saturday. *facepalm* God, I am even worse than my exes who forgot my birthday. Yes, they thought it was on the 31st. Go figure why. Where was I, ohyeah, monthsaries.

I am not a big fan.

Why?

My bestfriend in highschool, let's call him BRUCE. He always prepared something romantic for his monthsary with his girl, let's call her The CRAZY BITCH, but she always ALWAYS found a way to make a fuss of everything and they always ALWAYS fought on that day and they are in a frenzy for a few days after that. Then they are okay again. For a while at least. I was a hopeless romantic then. I even asked a girl out so she would not like Bruce so that CB would not have to get all jealous because Bruce is actually attracting sane women. Well, that's a different story altogether. Just a head's up, Bruce is a girl. But I am not the lesbian in this story.

Another reason. Flowers.

I don't like being given flowers. They remind me of death and vagina offerings. Sorry but they do. So I pity Pandabear because although I want him to be able to experience all that can be experienced by a normal guy dating a girl, this is something that I would not appreciate all that much. I am sure female friends of mine who are reading this blog would think, "Where the hell does she get off banning flowers in her relationship?" But you said it, MY relationship. You can make your men buy you things that would wither but I prefer honesty,loyalty, and great memories over dead plants.
I have bought flowers for guys and gave them to their girls so many times when I was younger that it already made me hate flower-giving even more. Most often than not it was not a declaration of love that makes a man give his woman a bouquet of flowers. They are a peace-offerings most of the time. And the sad thing about it that women eat it up. Not the flowers, the indirect apology. I hate the fact that those guys got away with infidelity, a bad remark or a bad behavior just because over-priced flower sex parts.

Lastly, I need memories more than gifts.

I forget things easily but I make space for couple memories and firsts. I prefer to have some familiar feeling of being in a place or doing something with someone for the first time. I know that if I ever do that activity again, I would always remember that person. I don't need to have a special trip every time or a dinner to commemorate the day that I decided to officially date a person. I celebrate it everyday already so it seems redundant.

I think it's a little extravagant, that's all. It's a bit juvenile but since it's part of the whole experience I will allow it.

As much as it would hurt Pandabear for me to say it, it's something that high schoolers or college couples do because they know, in the back of their minds, that their relationship has an expiration date.

As much as he thinks that the 100 days is an expiration date, I prefer to call it a milestone. But since I am not having this relationship with my laptop, I need to remember to consider his own needs. He needs monthsaries because that is the way he loves. So we will do milestone days and monthsaries.

I guess the fact that we are watching a ballet performance on the first monthsary is a cool coincidence.

Pandabear 15,16,17 of 100 Raincheck,Fringe dreams and Bi exes

I hate the fact that I don't have a living room and that it was raining a lot last Saturday. We didn't get to go jogging. But quality time is time spent well. I need to remember not to make him watch boring movies. His attention tends to wander to other "activities". Thank god boys are not allowed in our rooms.

+==+

You know that you are a Fringe addict if you are dreaming in that format. God, I miss Pacey.

+==+

Is astonishes me how bitchy and pathetic some of his exes are. There is that girl who thinks she is the center of the issue between him and his friends. And now this. It's probably my fault because I added her. I wanted to see...he was saying I remind him of her sometimes. So I was curious.

Anyway, he's mine now. So hands off. Don't dare bash on my man if you don't want to make my list. Because God help you if I get my hands on their hair. ^.^

Pandabear Project : 14 of 100 Ordinary Days

I never went grocery shopping with a boyfriend. The closest was going to 7-11 or something. The thing about me is that even before they made it popular in tagalog pocketbooks and movies that you shouldn't take a girl to the supermarket to shop for ordinary things became a mantra, I already knew that it was a no-no.

So yesterday was my first time to go grocery shopping with a boyfriend.

I know that it's not a highlight for most relationships. But you have to remember that you are normal, I am not. I don't do ordinary things with people I have no plans to keep around. Yes, I am sorry but I don't think I ever planned to keep those who came before this one. I was always afraid to commit that I didn't want to send any signals that I would ever settle down and be a keeper. Although my nature is exactly that.

I bought toiletries, kikay stuff that I never bothered with and in case the rain comes in and I don't have any cash on me food. I also bought Almond Crush Pocky. ^.^ It's now just a box of what used to be sticks of nomnomnom-worthy Japanese ingenuity.

What ticked me off this morning is that the last bitch you broke my Pandabear's ego is tripping on him still. She might be physically prettier than me but despite what she finished and her pouting lips, I would make sure that I can slap her with my UPLB Diploma and the fact that I am actually using what I studied. I swear to God, women who think they are the centre of the universe of people who don't really care about her are the most pathetic of all creatures. I have half a mind to kick that bitch in the face with my new shoes. They are cheap and fake so they go together.

Dada adviced Pandabear to let her be. That is one way to deal with idiots like this. The other way is to scare them to oblivion. I am the student if not a counselor in the second method. I really want to grab her hair right now and rip it from the roots. But since my Pandabear said to just let her go, I will try my best not to murder her in my head. He told me that she was smaller than me so I should not squish her like a bug.

So to bitch who feels like she is the center of the universe, or an issue that doesn't exist, try to avoid shadows from now on. Nyanya takes care of her own after all.

Pandabear Project : 13 of 100 The Samantha in Me

My friends and I are huge fans of the show. I have even tagged myself between Miranda and Samantha. I used the latter as my teacher name when I was a budding online English teacher. I was her for the most part, personality-wise. I was afraid of growing old, the truth, love and commitment. But when Samantha fell in love it was always DESPITE OF HERSELF. And now I have gone and done it. I have my own Jared. No, my pandabear is far from this guy.

Though I wouldn't complain if he was. But he's younger than me and seems malleable when it comes to potential and relationship.

My friends and I have always talked about men like they fit in the Mr. Big category or the Aiden category. The Mr. Big one of course is the against all odds and despite all rationale is the one we pursue, pine over and some, end up with. But the Aiden ones are the nice guys who come in our lives when we need to be put together then we break their hearts or we find that we can't love them or commit to them the way that they want us to.

I have my Mr. Big. But the only difference is that he ticks me off. Just when I have found an Aiden, or my Steve, whichever one applies, he comes out of the wood work and tries to unnerve me.

Not.Going.To.Work.Buddy.

I found someone who is not grating on my nerves, whose personality is fitting my pattern in men but not in the red of the extreme scale. I found a normal version of all the extreme guys I loved. I am not about to break his heart just because you are getting moppy over the knowledge that for once, someone is making me happy without to lie to me.

Sorry, Mr. Big. Sometimes, the Carrie walks away with the Aiden.