Wednesday, July 18, 2012

I need to Blog again

I told myself that. I really need to be able to vent out and talk about the things that are making my head want to explode. The pressure I am putting myself under because my the metrics in my job that I can't quite meet. The small glorious serendipitous friendship that I have with Her Royal Highness and the never ending rollercoaster ride that is the love and falling out of love of the people around me. I am no celebrity or not even a very good secret keeper, to say the least. But I always find myself in the middle of a complicated situation that I didn't really planned to get involved with.

The plan was simple. Work. Save. Avoid contact with the locals. But that didn't work out just as well as I had hoped. I got more frenimies now than I had a year before. I also made some new friends that I believe would be something I would treasure for the many many many many years to come. And the stories that are swimming in my head will finally get around to being written.

I owe so many people so many stories. I owe myself so many novels that I have overthought and forgotten because I didn't have the time to write the words and scenarios that I thought of. I have data after data of novels that I have yet to edit and work on. I gave up a relationship because that person didn't understand my passion for them but I ended up abandoning both relationship and obligation. Still I don't regret getting myself out of a situation when I had to choose between two beloved. Any man who doesn't Get the fact that I would always have to make time for my creative side is just plain unappealing for me.

I have so little time to save for the trip that we are planning for the end of the year. I had dashed hopes that I would ever see Rock of Ages. I am hopeful that I would be able to see Big Bang in concert. I am happy for all my friends who are either fathers or mothers now.

I am sad that we lost Jonas Palad too soon.

I remember many sides of Jonas but I knew a silent strength in him, a drive to prove that he can make it in the world where most people give up on or take for granted the things that they can do. Not Jonas Jose Paladhe was able to make it and work on it, laugh, cry and triumph in life. It is shocking to hear one of our own leaving so soon. But we'll reunite with him one day and tell him all about the times we missed him and reminisce. Tol, kitakits. In the next life there would be colors that would paint your rainbow.
I am hopeful that I would do better at my job.

I am not worrying about my weight though I think it's pilling up and getting worse.

I am just thankful of the days that I have now and the free time I have to worry about friends and family. Because that means my only problem is money and my productivity metric. I can worry about my lovelife when I am lonely again. As of right now, I feel like my life is full of new things to learn and unlearn. My schedule is crowded by get-together, heart to heart talks and prospects of growing up.

My room is still cluttered, I still wear boyish clothes, I am 85kgs now but I am, despite all the stress, at peace with who I am, what I am doing and what needs to be done.

I still want to do many things. And I am still greedy for more adventures. I still need to write so many things. I don't want to leave before the final curtain and before the last person leaves the theater.

I am sure Jonas, Dolphy and the rest of the greats who went ahead of me wouldn't mind waiting a bit more.

There is more to my blog than ranting. If I can't write about secrets, work and anything that would  be against the Code of Conduct, there is still my mussings about love and life. And my lists, of course. That should be interesting enough to get around to making a blog entry that can still feature me without getting me in trouble.