If only I could

It sucks when you want to do something for someone but you can't. I feel like I am making excuses when all I want to do is make her happy on her special day. I think I would need to get over the feeling of guilt over not doing something that follows someone else's life. I think my friends would not like it all the time. But I have things that may seem less adventurous, exciting or less like me, but I would have to do that so I can focus on something and get things done.

I was planning to buy her something nice for her birthday, something sweet and her request came out of the blue and the circumstances around it would have been easy for the old me to deliver but this year things are a little bit less like old me and more new me.

I promised her we would do something fun every month. But I am afraid to break my focus right now. I am not beck and call girl anymore. 2012 would be a little bit disappointing. My boyfriend right now is Jamie Dimon. If he breaks up with me, then I would have more time in my hand and would probably have to find a new place to be in. But I have to disappear from the radar, get my list underway and be more of my old self in a new place but less my reckless, flies to the rescue of others and waits for damsels in distress. My life is the damsel in distress now.

I am at a point when I realized that my career goals are late in the making. And I hope that it doesn't make me a bad friend if I focus on them right now. I love my friends and they know that. But like when I told Ico that I can't be with a person who considers my schedule as something conveniently flexible for them, I would have to apologize in advance. Know that I feel bad since I would rather be making new memories with true old friends but my now needs me too. And my tomorrow needs me to be a bit less fly by night.