Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Great Expectations

I didn't know. I should have known better than to open my heart again. I should never settle, my friends said. But when I love someone I am this person who sparkles in giddiness. But then when the glitters fade, I am this vortex of emotion. I suck things in, the good, the bad and the awful.
I thought that I learned my lesson after Mark not to support a man who can't make himself happy on his own. Not to love someone who thinks that being clingy is a way to show love. Not to love someone who makes promises that he can't keep. Someone who won't hurt me by inaction. Someone who won't get jealous of my dream to be a writer.

I did my best to understand and I did my best to explain that there are things that I had to do that would take up my time. I am tired of explaining. I give up. I hoped this time he would be the one who would call or talk or even text to make things work. I told him to not say I am sorry but to show me that he was going to make things better.

But he chose to sit on his ass and wait for me to cool off and to come to him and make things better.

Inaction is always the safe way to do it.

I need someone who can take the leap, face my temper head on and to show me that I can rely on him in the future.

If you think you survived the aftermath, you are wrong. I was actually restraining myself. Today the numbness set it. Yesterday I waited, my heart ached every time I looked at my phone and there was not a single message from you.

One message, one brave message would have been okay. But I stood in line, waiting for a festival movie to begin. And I realized, that I haven't found someone who would enjoy the things that I love. I haven't found someone who understands my needs. Because I found someone who still doesn't know what he wants in his life.

I can't fix a person's life for him. I can't make you happy if I am unhappy too. My happy thoughts are depleted. I am doing my best to make new ones.

You aren't one of them now. You are now the blackhole in the center of my solar system. You are taking more than you can give and I am beginning to think you are not capable of giving me anything that can sustain the expanding of my universe.

I love you, but like the others who came and went, you are dangerously close to losing the best love you will have in your life. Yes, that's me. You thick-headed dense frack.

I don't care if you got sick. I don't care. Excuses don't make things better. I was sick too. I am sick of all of this.

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