Monday, May 28, 2012

Crushes Come and Go

I am happy to be inspired. I am glad that at random points of my work, I smile for absolutely no reason. I will not call it love or like even, I just call it giddy. And that helps me because my voice is less strained because of that.

My mom told me to loose weight first before I go giddy for anyone. I raised an eyebrow at that sms and I had to smile. My parents, I am sure would like for me to be thinking of the same things that the other people that are in my batch are doing and thinking. I have to shake my head and smile.

It's a crush. And it's fading.

I wonder if I could have a crush on a good guy who was closer to me. Then again that's a pretty tall order. I am just glad that I have a new crush. Though it's fading pretty fast.

I guess it's true that I get bored waaaay to easily. I am sure he is a nice guy but I think I need to have a crush has propinquity as well. The thing is, there are just no cute, matikas, taller than me, eyeglasses-wearing men around me that I have a crush on.

Oh well. I should just focus on my work and use my crush-bliss to increase my accounts per hour and make me less stressed out at work.

Still. I am glad to have a new crush. I would add to my crush list soon. I have two now. One from work, which already died a natural death, the feeling of the crush, not the person. And my new crush. Maybe I should go to the mall, or parks or visit places where there are more people more often so I can find a few new crushes. The problem is striking a conversation and often I find that people bore me or they don't hold an ounce of humor or wit that I like.

I don't want to blow up my crush out of proportion. It would ruin my crush-bliss sooner. This is the main reason why I can block out the incessent buzzing of a certain bird that I would rather pluck than watch. Whenever I get irritated, I just remember the wedding and a conversation that made me feel like I could go back to making just those kinds of conversations. I avoid having those kinds of talks, where I pry information from a person that I have marked. It's not as bad as it sounds. It's just that I thought that doing that again would be terrifying. When I met Ico it was just a moment of me enjoying and I was not really flirting. This was me being the inner me joining the outer me. People sees me in a different way so they don't really know what is the inner me or what I feel like when I do have those conversations. It's akin to how beautiful women bat their eyelashes. In my case, it's how I carry out a conversation. Communications has it's many uses, the coolest of it would be to try to get someone you have your eye on to pay attention to you. I also know body language. And I know for a fact that he as not into me based on the way he was not facing me. But do I care? Not even a little bit.

A crush is a crush is a crush. What he thinks of me doesn't really matter. I just have a crush on him. I don't care if he likes me or not. Just the experience of liking someone new is refresshin and makes me feel less bored with my life. Hahahhaha.

People underestimate the need for new experiences and for meeting new people. I would like to think that when I learn new things and meet new people, I make small changes in my life and my personality is somehow enhanced by it. Not a single stranger, not a single conversation is useless. Things are just beginning to be better for me. I feel more like my inner self is coming out. I just need to reduce the space that my inner self is staying in maybe about 20-25kgs of less space. :-)

Being happy is not about meeting someone who I can love. Or who can love me back. It's more knowing that I am still capable of crushes, giddiness and perhaps even love. I haven't experienced it. Really felt it. I have loved people, boys, men and still I am not sure if that is the love that I want to have in my life. I have weird standards or lack of it.

Once I remember some palm reader told me that I don't care what my beloved does for a living. Another told me I would get married to the second serious boyfriend that I would have. But then what qualifies as serious? Is it length, then I've had two already. But the thing is, I don't think that is the meaning of serious in this case. I have never thought of marrying anyone, I just thought that I could do that in the future as the same way that people decide to go to college. But then again, I don't know anyone right now who fits the bill of what Liay said she looked for, a man like her father.

So it all boils down to finding a hardworking, funny, intelligent, loving, loyal man who would not cheat lie or steal when it come to the woman he loves. And that, crushes can't really fit into that role. I know so very little and wish to know less since the giddiness disappears when you get involved.

I will keep my crushes and just stay put. I will have to be found, since looking for that treasure of a man has made me a miner of fool's gold.  

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