Of Seunghyun Dreams and A1 Nightmares

Fifteen minutes before I got up to go to work I dreamt about sitting in a metal chair outside what seemed to be a cafe waiting for people. Two people arrived separately placing their bags on chairs that were near me. I had a feeling I was having a dream, I always get that feeling when I know early on in the dream that I am in one. Sometimes I can wake myself out of it but in this one it seemed like it was safe to stay. The first two people were guys. One wore a black jacket with hoodie and another one had a backpack. When the third one came in he placed his bag on the chair nearest to mine and I snapped at him. I looked up and there he was beanie wearing red jacket backpack on one shoulder, Seunghyun Choi. I woke up with a smile on my face and I though that this was a great thing to wake up from a dream like that.

I was cheerful most the of the way to work I had Twister on my way and had been hoping to get the missing accounts that I needed to make to get my productivity to 100%. I was well on my way, like my seatmate said, we were in the zone. I was more like that yesterday but today I really needed to get things fired up. But good days are farther in between than I hope they would be. I really need to be able to do more and recover quickly. Sometimes I think luck can also be a skill.

It was about four in the morning when I realized just how much working at my new company has changed me. I have been wearing a mask for about a year now trying not to show people just how truly evil I can be. My friends know how I am. Sometimes I just can't help it. There is a conscious effort that needs to be done so that I don't make a comment about something.

So you understand my college best friend's confusion when she heard the news that I was being bullied at work. No, don't worry I am not. They just think they can push me around because I am wearing a mask around them. Someone told me that you can't really open yourself up to people in the environment that we are in where everything is a metric and judgmental people are abound. What he didn't know and I would never be able to show them is just how much os a meanie I can really be. I think I would have to wait for my friend who referred me to this company to find his more artistically inclined job then I can do whatever I want. I also need to be able to meet the metrics that I personally want to reach and be able to get a better pay or whatever.

What triggered the nightmare, it's the fact that a person tried to smile at me. Odd isn't it for someone to cause a reaction such as wanting to rip all her hair off and cutting her face with my not so long fingernails. This person didn't know just how close to death it has been when it pissed me and HRH off. I literally had to control and laugh it off, the shit it said behind my back and the crap it wrote on facebook just because I called it out for what she was, an unprofessional idiot. Yes, I am sugar-coating. I promised myself I would not make frenimies in 2012 and that I would practice my patience, train myself to be calmer and less confrontational. It gave me the challenge that I needed. And I somehow always just envisioned not wanting to make trouble for my friend who convinced me to join our company. If I had gotten in and was not going to bring anyone's name down with me, I would have sicked on it sooner. But since I had wanted to become calmer and more mature, I decided to follow the rules for once and keep my mouth shut. Yes, I know, if you are reading this and you are my friend I know you would be shocked too.

If I was my old me, I would have been able to screencap the insult that it posted on tts little wall and would have blogged about it and exposed just how pathetic it really was. I know insecurity when I see it. I had it and overcame most of it in my life because I had strong friends and a great family. For one thing, my father showed me what a good man is. My fascination for the bad boy was just a teenage rebellion. But as someone said, girls marry their fathers. And if it is true in its case then I really pity it.

I just realized in that one moment when I wanted to give it bodily harm that I have pent up anger. So I have to write some of it down or I might not just raise my eyebrow at it. There might just actually be a muscle twitch that would lead to someone getting hurt. I don't want to have to suddenly blurt out something obscene when I encounter it. I want to respect my workplace specially since I have yet to prove anything to anyone especially myself.

I don't care if it wants to make amends with people it pissed off in 2012. Or if it is on some kind of 12-step program to be someone better. I do know one thing about me, it's that if a person is placed on a specific list they don't get migrated that easily. And it is on my Dark Arts list. The list that includes people that would be my first targets if ever I become a death eater.

I would like to suggest that it makes sure it doesn't smile at me anymore. Because as God and the full moon as my witness I might not be able to help myself. And God help her when I open my mouth. It's been known that the pen is mightier than the sword. Well, my tongue can do much much much worse.

*sigh* That feels a little better. I just hope that the clean up would just take all the roaches away. Even the human kind. Opps wait, I am a pest too. Well, it has absolutely no idea and she really shouldn't try to test just how my confined inner bully really is like. Even I don't want her to see that Nyanya.

5:55pm Kamagong

012513

Cosmo to Completion

Disclaimer: A very long blog. 

Written: 01242013

I walked from Netquad to Net Plaza to check if the 7-11s near my building had the January issue of Cosmopolitan (I had all 11 of the 12 issues of 2012 [I missed February but I hope to find a copy of it one of these days]some with my friend A who needs the pages more than I do and others around my tiny room read and waiting for airing and re-posting – plan to get all the Cosmo Commandments pages together – my new Favorite part of Cosmo) but I could not find ANY! One store only got TWO copies and some faster ladies got to them before I could afford my own copy. I had been saying hi to Taylor Swift since the first day she was at the 7-11 near my building and I thought I had lost my chance to get a copy. I was the 24^th after all and I was afraid that copies would run out and I would not be able to start my new yearly resolution, one cosmo a month. If they printed two in a month I would probably augment that. It's 125 pesos of nods, burst of laughter and tips to no end. I may not be the make-up, high-heeled shoes and white pants wearing kind of woman but I was still, in my head, as feminine as the next girl. It reaaaally just doesn't show. I don't really like being fashionable, I prefer to be comfortable. But I know fashionistas, I have friends who love it, worshiped it and somehow made their own version of comforshion. When they needed to dress it up they could and when they could rock colorful scarf at the beach they could. Sorry, getting to into the content, let's go back to the journey, I took the Fort bus, albeit disheartened that I may not find a copy of my own when I decided to walk to Glorietta to the new National Bookstore they had. I had liked the convenience of that store being in G5 before but now I think the new NB is nicer. But silly spazz that I was I had forgotten that my dear TS was on the cover and I had overlooked Cosmo at the magazine shelves. It took one nice NB lady to get my the “where were you looking?” face and a TS on the cover pink Cosmopolitan to get me to calm down. I decided that Fun Fearless Female me needed to take my Cosmo home to read it. At this point I had not read it cover to cover. I had flipped through the articles and zoned in on some thing. I had always loved the Confessions part, the cover story article and COSMO UPFRONT THE HOT DEBATE. The question always made me choose one side and I lurved the question for this month! Can you CHANGE a man? I immediately said, “HELL NO!” That's just because I believe people do not change. They adjust. But who they are what they are ultimately wins in the end. So if you try to change a man whether he is willing or not, it's going to end up making one or both of you miserable. I read the yes part first, being that I love discourse and the lady made a pretty decent point. But I almost shrieked out when I saw the name of the girl who said NO, the lady of my own mind! She is Carissa Nanagas! It said teacher under her name and I was shell-shocked. I used to work with her in my first Korean company! Flashbacks of break room chatter and her personality flooded me. I loved her answer, no pun intended to the YES lady but I loved the example that she had. Because I was there (I think) when she was dating Mr. Guy you can't change. I am so happy that a wonderful and beautiful woman like her found her Mr. Man. That is when I knew that I broke the Cosmo sixth degrees of separation. Someone I actually talked to as a person as me and for all intensive purposes I did not become frenimies with was on cosmo. COSMO LADIES!!! She's a cosmo girl through and through, she has her unique love for fashion, she can be comfashyon one minute and in the next strutting her stuff with her “gal” and gurl friends in a rocking Christmas party. I always thought she is pretty inside and out. She didn't need to be mean to be more confident about herself and although she had her own struggles, she didn't disregard that friends and family are important support systems to get her to be a go-getter. No, we are not super close friends but I know this about her because you just can't help but observe this about her. Sure she may not be perfect but perfection once you become obsessed with it can actually destroy whatever it was that made you wonderful and unique in the first place. I hoped for a lot of things for the people I met in the past whom I find to be wonderful and colorful people and I have her in that list. I am sure she is showing her students and her loved ones that time does make a woman more beautiful and wiser.

I am glad I walked to NB to get this copy. It made the stress from work melt away and I know that the recharging that I made in Boracay with my friends would not last for 12 months. But a monthly dose of Cosmo might just make sure it does.

Oh and the PERFECT KA TEH? made me laugh. I realized that I really am a bitch and I am not even aware of it. Then I read something that hit, something about if you say something that is mean or feel bad about something that someone posted on FB maybe it's because the person who posted it has something that you wanted. That is so true. I own up to that. Now I have two facebook accounts. Please FB don't delete one, both are me and are essential to me. The Pinaywriter one would include everyone whoever may add me and are TOPpers/blog readers/gamers/friends/frienimies/officemates/relations/exes/future exes T_T and all the other people who want to be friends with me on facebook then why the hell not add them? But I would be slowly stripping my Pinaywriter blog of things that are Nina. Pictures of me and my family or my co-workers may stay. But most of the new me and the new things would be in another place. If I don't add you on the new FB don't get pissed off. I have a limited number of slots to fill and I don't plan to flood it too much. No fanpage likes on my feed, no memes and nothing but my close friends and people I want to facebook stalk (oops) would be there. It's more like one I have as blogger and as a writer and the other is where the NINYA ready people are. Those who won't bug me or get made when I speak my mind. It's my zone. Just like how this blog is. Mine. And if I say something it's what I want to say and I would not apologize for it.

Why? Because I never asked you to read beyond the first sentence. Feel free to comment no need to troll.

COSMO COMMANDMENT 19 rules to living the Cosmo Life Fave for January 2013: LEARN TO LOVE YOUR QUIRKS... and BE THE BOSS OF YOU!

Taking control of your life, well me taking control of my life and embracing my 2013 power word BALANCE would take all the time that I can possibly give it. So far I have 4 accounts to make up and 100% daily productivity to do so I can get my first month of the year's prod to 100% and I need to do this ALL YEAR LONG but more specifically for three months straight. I also need to be less careless of my decisions because what I do has impact on customers, real people who do real things who need the things they might be swiping their card for. May it be the birthday cruise they are taking with their family or just the medicine they need everyday. I know they don't know me and my work doesn't save the world or educate others in philosophy or what not. But I realized that if I do my job right and not think that it's beneath me or doesn't engage my skills as much as my old job does, then I can focus on it better. And if I needed to be creative, I had tons of ways to do it. I had the novels I needed to edit, BBBS to be more exact and my own unfinished stories. If I needed to remember what was important and to release my stress all I had to do was open an open office word document and type all my frustrations away. Because apparently when I bottle it up, I spit out bile more often that I should. So in order to dilute it, I must release the poison more often.

I saw this book in NB that had names and their meanings on it. I took a picture of it so I can look for it and purchase it when I had the money. I LOVE my name now. NINA and RITA have awesome meanings. Apparently they are very cool names! I want to buy it so that when my friends who want to think of baby names ask me for advise I can help and we can even find out what our names mean! Sure it might not have all the names in the world, but I still want it! IF anyone would want to gimme a birthday gift, this is on my list, thank you very much.

My legs are cramping up. I don't have a writing table in my room. *mental note : include in Birthday wish list & make Birthday Wish list blog* Eros is resting on my pillows and is wobbly while I am typing away. I want to do this as often as I can, write. I know that nothing really happens in my life right now so I think that is a really big reason why I want to do something, to make things happen. This year started with friends and I realized that isolating myself like I did in the past made me bitter, envious and mean. I also lost touch of the real me trying to be a more mature version of me at work but ending up not embracing the change that I forced myself to make. I would not compare my work now to the work that made me happy but unable to afford a cosmo mag a month, really it was that bad. I would walk with confidence and try to put more motion in my life so I can get my blood flowing again. I think it's great that I am force to walk in Makati, with it's underpasses and what not. Because I get to observe people and absorb small things about them. I need that to feed the writer in my and to feel like I am not just another ant following the same sent ant toiling away every day. Having goals at work (not just to not get fired) fires me up and although I don't know all the names of the people in my team, having them be less toxic towards me helps me get a lot more work done. I liked people in my old team, some more than others because they all filled an archetype (no I am not going to get into that Code of Conduct and all that). But I know that this year I want to be more balanced and try not to be too open to strangers and too secluded from my friends. It's a lucky thing that we got wifi at my house. I can go home and share meals with my family and sleep in my home. It recharges me. The goal is to have a pillow that is all mine at home and not share it. Since I moved to Makati I have not had a pillow that was mine in our home, my sister had one because she lives there, my parents too. But for my and my brothers who live in the city and in LB we don't. Like being transients.

I think that for now, since I don't have someone to spend weekends with, I would just have to clean up my forgotten PW facebook and transfer all my only documentation to my Sam facebook, unclutter my blog and clean my room as often as I can. I want to get my own wifi but I am thinking that I would not get enough sleep. So for now, from a cavewoman of 2012, I might as well be a weekend blogger and a semi-lurker in facebook.

Five out of my 23 things to do on January have been cleared off. And it's almost February. I need to get things out of the way and cleared off my list before too many more things take their place. I missed Maribel's wedding but I hope I can meet up with her husband Vince and her one of these days. I have two things to look forward to, a call that would make the fangirl in me shriek and meeting my friend's guy and wishing them a happy life together. But I am sure that if not this year then the next, I won't be afraid to complete myself in a union anymore.

A new friend said that I had made so many bad choices that led me away to the right kind of man for me. COSMO affirmed him, "You're attracted to bad boys, but this year, you'll meet a few funny, nice dudes who'll cause you to reconsider your type."

And as for the life part: Friends will play a major role this year. Some will inspire you to try new things . (HELLO FLYING TO BORACAY, ring any bells), while other will help you power through bad times. *special holler to Don and Ysac on that part so early this year*

As for work, I should befriend my officemates to make the workplace feel better. For this I plan to be a little bit more careful. Some people already think that I am easy to bully or that I am okay with puns. I don't want to be too Ninya at work because there are just so many who are not NINYA-uptrained so to speak. And despite the mask that was 2012, I have to just make sure I don't give my boss grief, solve as many customer needs as I can and make the numbers add up the way that they should. If all else fails, I can always draw THE FOOL card and I can begin anew.

2013 is not meant to be perfect or to have lists cleared off but for me to find the BALANCE of things that I can control and the things that are just meant to be. As per my otherworldly knowledgable friends say, If you fight against what is your fate or your destiny, you loose your way. If you want to have a better life, you have to make better choices.

So next time I meet a nice guy I won't consider him because he's the anti-thesis but I would examine my crush and the realms of possibility for happiness. But for sure, this time, I would not settle for anything less than completion.

 

Change, Welcome.

Okay to I have to admit I did miss the internet. Mainly the only thing I have been able to google were names of suspicious websites and merchants. So I did miss my blog and my social networks. I haven't really finished with all the blogs that I should have finished off. And the abysmal internet connection however welcome it may be to actually be online right now is not enough to post the thousands of pictures that is supposed to go up on my new cozy fb. I call it that because it's where I listed people I want to add on my account that are just the people I would've normally talked to before, before the PEBA blogging and all the writing stuff as well as the Kpop mania turned my facebook into a maze of posts that do not tell me what is actually happening to the people I did add on my account. Since my blog is linked there and I have so many writing and blogging contacts on that account I decided that it has to be Pinaywriter's facebook through and through. I plan to migrate my personal life in my cozier fb and make sure that friends know not to flood my wall with things I do not want to see. I will minimize the pages I would like. I can just as easily add them on or like them on the PW facebook. I tried to place security stuff on the cozy fb but I realized I hated having to confirm likes or tags. So I just disabled those security again.

While I was waiting for the the pictures to upload on the crawling connection that I had, I realized that 1) it'll take me a very long time before I can get all my pictures on facebook. 2) I really prefer an uncluttered social network where I can't accidentally troll someone enough to make them lash at me and all that I say despite most of what I saw was not mean to be hurtful and the rest would just me apologizing profusely. 3) My very last ex still wrote on his blog. That is how I know he is now a graduate. Yey. And that he has had other chances to date and other things as well as being with someone now. He mentioned me several things after the hospitalization incident though but not always in the worst of lights. I am glad he and his mom bonded over that fact that I am an evil ex-girlfriend who caused him to hyperventilate and pass out in the garage. Andoy told me that I need to stop living in the past. And I think one of the major flaws of my relationships is that I mother my men. I really do. Not all of them respond well to nagging, change and what not. But I hope my ex's claim to have matured is true. And more blessings to him. Though his blog led me to believe that, 4) I really can't date a guy who sucks at grammar or in speaking. So he either is able to command his own language/dialect or sound group or just stick to what he knows, the vernacular.


Anyway, the pictures are still not done. I just have to give it a rest. It's sex six oh seven in the morning, an hour shour of 24 hours of being awake and if you can't spell well anymore then that is really not a good sign.

I made a hellocotton account after seeing the thing with Angel's blog : Angelamheire's Little Heaven. I also need to clean up my blog. I have deleted some gadgets that I don't think that really need. I need to clear up the appearance of my blog. It's just too busy-looking. Change according to someone is very go

Since I am not on Google ads since they thought my clicks were fraudulently made (during that time I was blogging often and had some significant readership) I didn't have to worry about generating any kind of money. Though I wouldn't hate it so much if I am able to blog more significant things that other people need to know or would want to read. *okay that sentence took me several minutes and my brain is leaking out by now, I would end this post now before it stops making sense.

I'll clean up my blog later today. For now I need to rest and hope tomorrow bring faster SUN connection.

All I learned today is that I have real friends and I should not ever consider adding complete strangers on my new cozy Fb. In the words of Ysac, "Sino ba siya, he's nobody." Surely the same can be said to me by that person's friends and I am beyond dumb to have even said anything in the first place.

If this is the bitchslapping Andoy was saying that would force me to change, then great. If there is more in about six weeks then I will be ready by then as well.

Change is something I abhore. But beng placed between a rock and hard place, I have no other choice but to move forward, charge it to experience and face the future.

Fangirl Mode 2012-2013: I Broke mY MIGloving heart twice

It was a dark dark dark time. I have all but forgotten it. The fact that I did not get to watch rock of ages. And then in my internet hiatus this is what happen. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED!!!

I missed the chance to talk, have coffee (though I am not that allowed to have coffee anymore) and Met MIG! My MIGloving heart breaks for missedMIGmoments. Like Sheldon says, Chances to have [gelato] coffee with [Stan Lee] Mig Ayes come but once in a life time."
And I definitely can't recreate Rock of Ages just so I can watch him in it for real.
Note to self: Timestamp the dates I will visit and go back to when time travel is now possible, July 29, 2012 so I could have answered this email enthusiatically with my then nokia phone # and answer with ANYTIME or NOW NA (means: Right now in Filenglish expressions).

I want to cut something, throw something and kick someone. But since my perpetual aura color these days is yellow (uber optimist mode) I just want to charge this to experience.

I will always love MIG and I will always keep the cds I have of him close to my heart and his voice a constant LSS in my heart.

The signature on my GOT MIG? shirt is faded, I plan to "sew" that part so that the signature never truly fades. I wore it to work on my Friday shift and though I have gotten heavier lately and is able to not look like a hanger while wearing it, the shirt still makes me feel special and loved as a fan.

Whether or not I get to watch him again in the future, seriously had dreams of me on a big plane going to a European country and watching him in a musical in the UK. Then I meet a younger singer in his "company" and I fall in love with said younger singer and then I have to go back home to the Philippines. In my dream I didn't work in my soul-sucking job as an analyst but I wrote for a magazine and said younger singer goes to the Philippines on a "global leg" of said musical with MIG (of course) and I watch their show again and blog & feature MIG on the magazine I work for.

I know my writer brain getting the best of me. I think it was the depression talking at that time. I blame no one but myself. I knew before ANY OTHER MUSIC LOVER in the whole archipelago that Rock of Ages was coming to the Philippines. I was one of the FEW who knew that something EPIC was able to land in our shores. The people who were going to sing in it didn't even know how well-received they were going to be. I am sure the events people knew but didn't I was a FAN who knew that this was coming down and I felt like I was not able to give my MIGfandom any justice. For crackers sake I went to a BigBang concert this year and I didn't understand a single song in full. But I was there, waving in the air the light stick that I was able to buy with my meager savings.

But the fact that I missed MIG at ROCK of AGES is something that makes me sigh deeply every time and teary-eyed. I didn't watch the movie. I probably never would. It hurts to much to pass up on greatness. It's almost like being excited for my friend's wedding and then missing it entirely because I thought I was late for it but it actually started late...oh wait, that actually happened this year. Damn 2012 was really a weird year for me. The things I had wanted I can't quite get and the things I prepared for I missed.

But yeah, 2012 is over, we already survived the so-called apocalypse. In my opinion, unless I get to see MIG perform on stage, I can never really tell I survived the end of my MIGloving world.

**That's it. I won't be depressed anymore** <3 MIG Ayesa, <3 Music whooooohooo!~

+++ add++++

 

From Blackout to Balance : 2012 to 2013

When I had a diary the entries always end just before I start doing something significant or experience a change. Live your life and stop writing about what you want to do about it. That was 2012. And boy did a lot of sh*t go down. Bullet points.

I went to Bora in December. In a word? Epic.

I missed Mea's wedding and was early to the reception. In a word? Gesh!

I wore a mahogany/brown dress at a multi-national wedding aka Makis and Gui's wedding. In a word? Finally!

I got into Cbank. For future references I shall not name my company anymore. In a word? CoC.

I didn't get to blog about any of the people who passed away, RIP W. Sayaw ka na lang sa langit. I am not even aware of the other people who might have passed on, gotten married or broke up.

I didn't get to blog about the things that were happening to friends, my frienimies and the people that I have added on my Sycor list (people I would meet up with in that downunder area where very naughty people go when they leave this world). But that is about to change.

I didn't get to write more than 1,000 words for Nanowrimo.

I didn't even get to write another paragraph on the novels I was supposed to write.

I didn't get to tweet anything significant. I am sure my plurk karma is now ziltch. Since my phone is fake I can't instafrakingram a single pictures.

But as I walked among the people who posted their every burp, tweeted their every fart and filtered their every picture to get likes, comments or just throw their seemingly insignificant lives into the world wide web, I realized not having a TV, not knowing there is now a real Madame President in South Korea, not having time to go online to comment and post made me so stressed out that I reverted back into my old cavewoman mode. I am indeed a social addiction who has a hidden loner inside.

But it made me realize that I love to write, I need to know what is happening in people's lives and I want to like, post and my soul needs connection, online or otherwise.

I was told that I was going against my destiny or my so called fate. And that my completion will come in a union. But that I also need to be able to work out my need to cling on to the past and the relationships that make me go slower or stay still.

I want balance in my 2013. Balance my scorecard. Balance my weight. Balance my balance sheet for my expenses, in a matter of speaking. Balance my heart. And last but not the least, balance the amount of soul sucking stress I allow in my life and the flow of the soul-feeding activities that would make sure I don't scowl at work despite my daily grind.

And maybe just maybe there would be a union to complete me.