Fifteen minutes before I got up to go
to work I dreamt about sitting in a metal chair outside what seemed
to be a cafe waiting for people. Two people arrived separately placing their bags on chairs that were near me. I had a feeling I was
having a dream, I always get that feeling when I know early on in the
dream that I am in one. Sometimes I can wake myself out of it but in
this one it seemed like it was safe to stay. The first two people
were guys. One wore a black jacket with hoodie and another one had a
backpack. When the third one came in he placed his bag on the chair
nearest to mine and I snapped at him. I looked up and there he was
beanie wearing red jacket backpack on one shoulder, Seunghyun Choi. I
woke up with a smile on my face and I though that this was a great
thing to wake up from a dream like that.
I was cheerful most the of the way to
work I had Twister on my way and had been hoping to get the missing
accounts that I needed to make to get my productivity to 100%. I was
well on my way, like my seatmate said, we were in the zone. I was
more like that yesterday but today I really needed to get things
fired up. But good days are farther in between than I hope they would
be. I really need to be able to do more and recover quickly.
Sometimes I think luck can also be a skill.
It was about four in the morning when I
realized just how much working at my new company has changed me. I
have been wearing a mask for about a year now trying not to show
people just how truly evil I
can be. My friends know how I am. Sometimes I just can't help it.
There is a conscious effort that needs to be done so that I don't
make a comment about something.
So you understand
my college best friend's confusion when she heard the news that I was
being bullied at work. No, don't worry I am not. They just think they
can push me around because I am wearing a mask around them. Someone
told me that you can't really open yourself up to people in the
environment that we are in where everything is a metric and
judgmental people are abound. What he didn't know and I would never
be able to show them is just how much os a meanie I can really be. I
think I would have to wait for my friend who referred me to this
company to find his more artistically inclined job then I can do
whatever I want. I also need to be able to meet the metrics that I
personally want to reach and be able to get a better pay or whatever.
What
triggered the nightmare, it's the fact that a person tried to smile
at me. Odd isn't it for someone to cause a reaction such as wanting
to rip all her hair off and cutting her face with my not so long
fingernails. This person didn't know just how close to death it
has been when it
pissed me and HRH off. I
literally had to control and laugh it off, the shit it said
behind my back and the crap it wrote
on facebook just because I called it out
for what she was, an unprofessional idiot. Yes, I am sugar-coating. I
promised myself I would not make frenimies in 2012 and that I would
practice my patience, train myself to be calmer and less
confrontational. It
gave me the challenge that I needed. And I somehow always just
envisioned not wanting to make trouble for my friend who convinced me
to join our company. If I had gotten in and was not going to bring
anyone's name down with me, I would have sicked on it
sooner. But since I had wanted
to become calmer and more mature, I decided to follow the rules for
once and keep my mouth shut. Yes, I know, if you are reading this and
you are my friend I know you would be shocked too.
If I
was my old me, I would have been able to screencap the insult that it
posted on tts little
wall and would have blogged about it and
exposed just how pathetic it really
was. I know insecurity when I see it. I had it and overcame most of
it in my life because I had strong friends and a great family. For
one thing, my father showed me what a good man is. My fascination for
the bad boy was just a teenage rebellion. But as someone said, girls
marry their fathers. And if it is true in its case
then I really pity it.
I just
realized in that one moment when I wanted to give it bodily
harm that I have pent up anger. So I have to write some of it down or
I might not just raise my eyebrow at it.
There might just actually be a muscle twitch that would lead to
someone getting hurt. I don't want to have to suddenly blurt out
something obscene when I encounter it. I
want to respect my workplace specially since I have yet to prove
anything to anyone especially myself.
I
don't care if it wants
to make amends with people it
pissed off in 2012. Or if it is
on some kind of 12-step program to be someone better. I do know one
thing about me, it's that if a person is placed on a specific list
they don't get migrated that easily. And it
is on my Dark Arts list. The list that includes people that would be
my first targets if ever I become a death eater.
I
would like to suggest that it makes
sure it doesn't smile
at me anymore. Because as God and the full moon as my witness I might
not be able to help myself. And God help her when I open my mouth.
It's been known that the pen is mightier than the sword. Well, my tongue can do much much much worse.
*sigh*
That feels a little better. I just hope that the clean up would just take all the roaches away. Even the human kind.
Opps wait, I am a pest too. Well, it has
absolutely no idea and she really shouldn't try to test just how my
confined inner bully really is like. Even I don't want her to see
that Nyanya.
5:55pm Kamagong
012513
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