Saturday, January 26, 2013

Of Seunghyun Dreams and A1 Nightmares

Fifteen minutes before I got up to go to work I dreamt about sitting in a metal chair outside what seemed to be a cafe waiting for people. Two people arrived separately placing their bags on chairs that were near me. I had a feeling I was having a dream, I always get that feeling when I know early on in the dream that I am in one. Sometimes I can wake myself out of it but in this one it seemed like it was safe to stay. The first two people were guys. One wore a black jacket with hoodie and another one had a backpack. When the third one came in he placed his bag on the chair nearest to mine and I snapped at him. I looked up and there he was beanie wearing red jacket backpack on one shoulder, Seunghyun Choi. I woke up with a smile on my face and I though that this was a great thing to wake up from a dream like that.

I was cheerful most the of the way to work I had Twister on my way and had been hoping to get the missing accounts that I needed to make to get my productivity to 100%. I was well on my way, like my seatmate said, we were in the zone. I was more like that yesterday but today I really needed to get things fired up. But good days are farther in between than I hope they would be. I really need to be able to do more and recover quickly. Sometimes I think luck can also be a skill.

It was about four in the morning when I realized just how much working at my new company has changed me. I have been wearing a mask for about a year now trying not to show people just how truly evil I can be. My friends know how I am. Sometimes I just can't help it. There is a conscious effort that needs to be done so that I don't make a comment about something.

So you understand my college best friend's confusion when she heard the news that I was being bullied at work. No, don't worry I am not. They just think they can push me around because I am wearing a mask around them. Someone told me that you can't really open yourself up to people in the environment that we are in where everything is a metric and judgmental people are abound. What he didn't know and I would never be able to show them is just how much os a meanie I can really be. I think I would have to wait for my friend who referred me to this company to find his more artistically inclined job then I can do whatever I want. I also need to be able to meet the metrics that I personally want to reach and be able to get a better pay or whatever.

What triggered the nightmare, it's the fact that a person tried to smile at me. Odd isn't it for someone to cause a reaction such as wanting to rip all her hair off and cutting her face with my not so long fingernails. This person didn't know just how close to death it has been when it pissed me and HRH off. I literally had to control and laugh it off, the shit it said behind my back and the crap it wrote on facebook just because I called it out for what she was, an unprofessional idiot. Yes, I am sugar-coating. I promised myself I would not make frenimies in 2012 and that I would practice my patience, train myself to be calmer and less confrontational. It gave me the challenge that I needed. And I somehow always just envisioned not wanting to make trouble for my friend who convinced me to join our company. If I had gotten in and was not going to bring anyone's name down with me, I would have sicked on it sooner. But since I had wanted to become calmer and more mature, I decided to follow the rules for once and keep my mouth shut. Yes, I know, if you are reading this and you are my friend I know you would be shocked too.

If I was my old me, I would have been able to screencap the insult that it posted on tts little wall and would have blogged about it and exposed just how pathetic it really was. I know insecurity when I see it. I had it and overcame most of it in my life because I had strong friends and a great family. For one thing, my father showed me what a good man is. My fascination for the bad boy was just a teenage rebellion. But as someone said, girls marry their fathers. And if it is true in its case then I really pity it.

I just realized in that one moment when I wanted to give it bodily harm that I have pent up anger. So I have to write some of it down or I might not just raise my eyebrow at it. There might just actually be a muscle twitch that would lead to someone getting hurt. I don't want to have to suddenly blurt out something obscene when I encounter it. I want to respect my workplace specially since I have yet to prove anything to anyone especially myself.

I don't care if it wants to make amends with people it pissed off in 2012. Or if it is on some kind of 12-step program to be someone better. I do know one thing about me, it's that if a person is placed on a specific list they don't get migrated that easily. And it is on my Dark Arts list. The list that includes people that would be my first targets if ever I become a death eater.

I would like to suggest that it makes sure it doesn't smile at me anymore. Because as God and the full moon as my witness I might not be able to help myself. And God help her when I open my mouth. It's been known that the pen is mightier than the sword. Well, my tongue can do much much much worse.

*sigh* That feels a little better. I just hope that the clean up would just take all the roaches away. Even the human kind. Opps wait, I am a pest too. Well, it has absolutely no idea and she really shouldn't try to test just how my confined inner bully really is like. Even I don't want her to see that Nyanya.

5:55pm Kamagong

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