26 years of Love and Project 26

I think people who complain on their birthday are sad creatures that are a waste of oxygen.

I am thankful of a lot of things that it wouldn't fit in a list of 26 things or people.

My 25th year has been a year of highs and lows and it's unbelievably awesome that I got to go through so much and come out with a person to love and more inspiration.

I guess positivism works.

I look forward to so many more challenges and things to cross out on my goal list. I think I have crossed out enough stuff on my crazy list that I am settling into a more boring version of myself.

Here's to me!~

So here are the Project 26 things that I WILL do.

1. Take at least one picture for my day and post it online.

It's kinda like the project 365 thing that people got going in flicker but I don't have a dslr so I would have to settle with my camera phone.
Of course I would blog about it. And plurk about it.

So watch out for that.

2. I would BE (and not just learn) to be MORE PATIENT

I have a notorious temper. I know that I need to practice to be patient if I EVER WANT TO HAVE SPAWNS. Because God knows I would spawn some really daimon kids if ever.

3. I would PAY OFF (and not just try) my MOM Debt.

It's about damn time. I have a bf who needs to learn how to save some spare money to be able to pay for dates. But I know that this would help us both.

I might take up writing for money again (more for novels not SEO) and take a part-time job. *Yes you read it right, lazy bones me would try to over work for once) If all else fails I might have to leave this beloved kimchi industry and move to kissing westerners asses once again. But that is a worst case scenario.

4. OPEN and KEEP a personal savings bank account.
It would take me a while but I would start with putting money in my RUKAWA coin bank and my TOY Story coin bank. *Yes, I love manga and Pixar, bite me.*

Then I would put all the things that I would save there and some extra money that I might get in the next few months so that I can pay off my debts and have emergency money for the future.

I prefer BDO since there is a bank right next door to my apartment.

5. EDIT THE NOVELS that are on hold.

I am still the EIC for TOP and I need to work on the remaining BBBS. I would need to work on the old and new writer's novels and I need to work on the ones I plan to pass to COH.

6. PAY BILLS ON TIME AND STOP MAKING MODE DEBTS

I think I would risk not being as close as I want to be with people just so I can save money. Sometimes it's hard to make them understand that I can't make ends meet and that I want to stop asking my parents for money. I am 26 now. My cousins have already gotten knocked up and hitched by now. I should shape up.

7. BUY MORE PANTS.

Seriously, I want to buy at least six pants in this entire year. I need to store pants because I don't want to abuse my pants anymore. *HDs and burners can wait.* I can't go to work without pants.

8. KEEP MY ROOM CLEAN AT ALL TIMES

I am a total slob. And the real reason why I don't want to have a roomate is because it forces me to clean all the time. I don't want to have an OC roomate so I usually end up with someone who is messier than me. That is not good for my pores.

I plan to clean this June 6 since it's Memorial Day in Korea and I don't have to go to work.

9. Finish BIGB Series and ELBILIFE SERIES.

This is a big feat because there are four more 25,000 words novels for the BigB and at least three more for ELBILIFE. But I really really want to finish this.

I also have the Girls on T.O.P to finish. So I need a lot of time for this. I hope Ne Sarang understands my need for him to not cut the writing flow once I have it.

10. Manage to live on four hours of sleep a day.

This is counterproductive, I know. But by my estimation, if I do part-time or write after work, I would only have enough time for four hours of sleep from Monday to Friday.

This would make me irate most of the time and not in the mood to play hookie which I think Ne Sarang has a difficulty to grasp. *MEN!*

11. Loose a considerable amount of weight.

Because I have the rubber shoes for it I really shouldn't have anymore excuses except for the rain. But I am thinking that perhaps if Ne Sarang pushes through with the Saturday jogging thing this year it would be better for our health and it would be better for us since we would be doing something other than watching a movie together. That costs money, jogging on the other hand only costs a pail and half of sweat. ^>^

12. HELP IN YOBO

I have been remiss in helping Norby and I got the notebook which has the story he told me wet. So I don't know how to make it yet again. But I promised that as soon as June starts, I would make that story and send it to him. Tomorrow I have loads of paperwork to do so I can't Plus I am still sick.

We really need to get that comics going.

13. READ MORE MEANINGFUL BOOKS.

I wish we had a public library in this backwater country so that people would have a chance to read books and not worry that it's found online too. I think the literacy rate of the people dropped significantly because of the internet. And the jejemons are not helping.

I love to read pocketbooks but I also need to read other novels and other books. They might just come in handy in the future.

14. Learn at least one dish.

I wonder what it would be. I won't set a goal as to what it is. It might not happen. So I would have to be open to the idea first then the dish would cook itself. *in a matter of speaking*

15. BLOG about more significant things other than my sordid little life.

Yes, I know I am a narci when it comes to this blog. But I think I should tackle more serious stuff too. So that at least when I archive this blog in the future where holograms are the thing, I would not feel like I did mental farts all over my blog.

16. TRAVEL!

I would not give up my free days to editing and writing novels. I would go to places that are nearby and enjoy my vacation for once. Since I plan to work my ass off during this year, I would also enjoy the vacations and holidays as much as I can. Same goes for my weekends.

I would work on what I need to work on during the weekdays and I would make sure that the weekends are sacredly for recreation or rest.

I don't think my love would be able to go to a lot of places since he would be busy at school, with his OJT and this Thesis. But I am sure we can find a compromise to inspire each other.

17. Mature but remember to be a child.

I know that I tend to take things to the extremes. If I am a reckless kid I go all out. But when I try to be an adult I turn into this old maid prude. I really need to find some balance between the two *that is not to costly*

18. BE more prayerful

I know that I am remise when it comes to thanking God for the blessings that I get. I guess that is why it's trickling down to the last few drops.

But since I live next door to a church I might as well pray more, right? I remember that I used to pray a lot when I feel bad or when I can't handle the situation. *didn't know that about me, didn't you?* I loved the whole seperate prayer room concept of the Catholic church. I got tired of attending mass and I used to hole up in the separate prayer room instead talking to the "body of christ" crucifix about my hopes and my dreams. I think I was really conflicted during that time because of my unsavory relationships and decisions. But now there isn't a lot of those in my life and I think I don't pray as much because of that.

I think I would try to spend some time to meditate and unwind at the Sacred Heart. This time I would be talking about work, thanking God for my family, friends and my new love.

I think we all need to renew our faith from time to time. I am still not a drone churchgoer but I would be more converstant towards the Big guy and his kid.

19. Make BETTER memories

My friend told me once that money is something that you can earn. But memories are once in a lifetime.

My addamentum to that is, "Today is not the last day to do something unless it's the last one you'll live."

So many people get upset when they don't get a chance to do something and they become desperate to get their way sometimes. In my case, I have rushed through love, life and my decisions long enough. It's about damn time to mellow down.

I am sure this would be a challenge for me but I like Barney always says CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

20. Continue to learn new things.

My favorite line is "I learned something new today." I think this is an important UP lesson that we can't forget. Once we forget to widen our horizon, pick up a new thing once in a while, we would be stagnant and later one we would stink.

I really prefer to be bullied because I explain things to long than try to dumb down what I say to others. Because I believe that if one can not improve on the silence, they should just shut that F up.

21. GET GOVERNMENT IDS

I want a TIN CARD, SSS *even just the slip that says I have a schedule for a picture*, NBI ID *if at all possible* or at least a renewed one.

If at all possible, I want a voter's ID too.
I am sure I would look fat in them forever but who gives a rat's a**.

22. Decorate my room well.

I need to clean out the closets, throw away things that I don't need, decorate the walls accordingly, KEEP THE FLOOR clean and to make sure that I don't get anymore accidents in my room involving water and flooding.

23. FIND MY INNER PEACE

I know, so very KUNG FU PANDA 2, right? But I really really wish that this state of self-awareness that I have would lead to me being about find balance and harmony in my life.

It's really though since I think I would be the mature one in my relationship for a veryyyyyyyyyy long time. *It's a guy thing, it takes them DECADES to shed off their boyish insecurities and rought spots.*

24. CUSS less.

Yes, I know. This is the hardest one on my life thus far.

25. FOLLOW THE BAN ON CIGARETTE SMOKING IN PUBLIC PLACES

Okay, now I want to smoke...

26. LIVE LONG AND PROSPER.

*does the finger thing*

NOKIA FAMILY

Nokia Essay Contest

5110

I remember the first Nokia phone that our family shared. It was a Nokia 3210. My dad moved from a 5110 to this unit.

3210

When I went to UPLB my mom gave it to me and I was to use it for emergencies and tell her where I was at all times. I think that phone survived all the way to my second brother. He brought it to UPLB when it was time for him to enroll as a freshman. If it wasn't for the batteries being discontinued, that phone would still be functional today. No pun intended, but that phone has more memories shared with us than any other phone combined. I always wondered where it was until I saw my little sister play with it when she was old enough to know what a phone was.

I called this phone Keiron. 

This phone is special because I texted my first boyfriend using this. We had one of those relationships that started with an sms message and ended with an sms message. I remember that I was in church with my mom when he texted me one of those random sweet quotes that people were texting during those days and the night ended with me having a boyfriend. The worst sms I got was with another phone *I think it's with the next one but still it hurt A LOT.* He said we should break up. Harsh, right? It's okay. We're friends now.

My next phone was a 3315 that had a green dragon cover like this one.

3315

It never got lost. I left it in the UPLB library once and when I came back it was still there. I think the reason why is because it was being held together by tape. We were not a rich family so while my friends changed phones whenever they lost theirs, I kept this phone for a few years. I called this phone MIDORI. Midori means green in Japanese. I was  am an otaku so I liked to call my things using Japanese names or words during that time.

I had loved this phone despite it's state of distress until Yankumi. Yes, to those who know Gokusen, I named my new silver cellphone from Saudi after the nickname of the main protagonist. Later I would become a teacher and this would be a big irony.

The story behind this phone is a little long so brace yourself. My bessie Eyecandy of the Pink Tarha left her old passport in our apartment in UPLB. So I was tasked to retrieve said passport from her room that was locked. My super limber little brother Simonster got the passport by passing through the gap between the wall and the ceiling of said room. *Remember those old school ventilation system in old houses that lets the air run through rooms rendering none of them soundproof?* My brother was a little dirty after but we got her passport. *I think I have paid him enough with treats after that. But he still says he should be the one who got the phone.* Anyway, Reina and her mom gave me the phone *I can't remember the actual model number and there isn't a lot in the Philippines. *I only saw like one other person with the same exact model.*

Anyway, Yankumi was with me for many years. I didn't change her casing so by the end of it, she was white not silver. My friends called me the "beck and call" girl for a time. Yankumi has helped more people than I would have ever imagined. She was my partner in crime for so many of my college affairs and boo-boos that I actually feel like putting her *yes she is still with me* in glass case and displaying her in my future house. 

She had to retire finally because my mom couldn't call me during emergencies anymore. She always died when that happened. For my paranoid parents, that was not acceptable.

So enter Eikichi, my 6300. *please see Great Teacher Onizuka Live action as to why this is the name*  He was my father's phone. He didn't have a single scratch on him when I got him. Now he looks like he came through a shredder or maybe a cat fight. He's old but I like him because he is the first camera phone that I had. *yes, I know I am a dinosaur in this world of smartphones* But simple things, like taking pictures of family, friends and my Pandabear kept me happy. I can listen to music *though not as many as my bf's Blackberry* but it's enough for the ride to work.I didn't need a smartphone. I was reserving that for when I can afford one of my own.

+++

I am thinking since it's going to be the start of the school year I will give advice to future UPLB freshmen as well.

A UPLB FRESHMAN's NOKIA GUIDE

1. Remember to text your parents everyday. 

Since this is going to be the first time you might be away from them, don't forget to keep them up to date. This would lower your parents' anxiety level in letting you live far from home and on your own no less.

If your parents are working in another country this is like a loving hug and quick mano to them if you sms them, "Nay, ppsok n aq. Muntikan na aq di mgising ng maaga. Ala n kC ngwiwisik ng watr sa fez ko pg di p rin aq bmabngon. ;-) " For one peso per roaming message, you were able to tell your mom that you miss her, love her and that you are working hard so that someday she can come back home and enjoy being with you again, taking care of the family and being together. Piso lang yan and it wouldn't take you more than a couple of minutes to send that message. And it would lift her spirits the whole day.

Remember that to OFWs all around the world, FAMILY is not just a word that pertains to people, FAMILY is their fuel to keep going and their motivation. So your words matter. EVERDAY. Choose them wisely and never forget to say that you love them in your own way. I <3 U can go a long way.

2. Good news BEFORE not so Good news. 

Whenever I fail a test, I would always tell my mom. Yes, I was honest like that. My mom would later tell my dad. It's how we were at home. I especially tried to think of something nice to say in my message before I went into the bad parts. This cushions the blow and my mom likes it better. *I think.*

"Natapos na sa wakas ung paper ko sa SpeechComm. Hindi nagloko ang printer ko. Yey. Btw, bagsak ako sa Natsci6 exam ko pero pwede daw magremidial so babawi ako nun."

Always sandwich your bad news between good news and promise or a solution to the bad news. Never act like a kid since you are a teenager now. Don't blame others for your own mistakes. This makes you sound less able to take care of yourself and would make your family worry more.



3. Cry to your mama

If you are homesick, I am sure they are worried sick of you too. If you have no one to talk to, then you can call home using those unlicall features offered by your network provider.

4. Attach people's names with group or assign nicknames 

On my cp there is NE SARANG. That means he is MY LOVE. So to those who can understand Korean, they'll get that the number is my bf's. I also attached his name ICO there so that people who don't know Korean can still figure out who was the sender of the message.

For parental names, I used to put a special character and make sure they are the only two with those characters. So when I blind click on my cp, I would be able to get to their number. If you notice special characters are the last on the list. So if you put *nay then the last number is her number. So click the shortcut to your contact list and click up, it would go to that number. You can easily call her if you are in trouble or something. Also it's easier to sms them even if you are sleepy. ^>^

My friends have a specific group for GM *I personally hate this, I prefer face to face chikahan* and you can put affiliation in the names to remember people you don't always send messages to.

For example if you have the names of the GABAY VOLUNTEERS (peer counselors for UPLB freshmen) you can put SIMONE-GABAY so that you know that she is Simone and that she is a Gabay. Keeping one on speed dial would also be helpful in case you are trapped in an orientation that went really really wrong.

5. Be a camwhore with your Nokia.

IF your Nokia phone comes with a camera. *godbless your parents for buying that model* then take as many pictures as you can. So what if the resolution is not as good as you want it to be? Hold out for when you can get a better model and treasure the memories that you can share with people on your Facebook or Twitter.

6. Be SOCIABLE but RESPONSIBLE.


Some networks and NOKIA phones have a feature that allows you to send shoutouts to your social networks' news feed. Take advantage of that. BUT remember not to cuss or to curse your professors, people, etc because everything that goes into your Facebook is always going to be accessible even if you delete it.

In the future a possible employer, scholarship review board or the love of your life would read it and if there are racist, dirty or weird stuff on your social account, it might cost you a job, an academic achievement, the NOBLE PEACE PRIZE or the love of the one you have been waiting for.

7. HANDLE not just with CARE but with LOVE. 

Clean your handphone, don't spill anything on it. Don't drop it in the bathroom bowl. If you do, don't blow dry it. That'll just mess it up more. It could fry your phone. Try to dry it by using a cloth, cotton balls or ask a technician how. Clean your hands before you use it and remember that licking your fingers is not the same as cleaning.

Don't throw your Nokia phone in your bed. Don't throw it at the wall when you get your heart broken. Don't sit on it. Make sure you have a place for it near your bed where you won't accidentally roll over it. Keep it close to your heart. Buy it it's own UPLB ID lace.

8. Don't waste your batteries. 

You can't just throw away the batteries of your cellphone. It's hazardous for the environment to do that. So look for the special bins for these things and dispose of them properly. We are Isko's and Iska's as much as we are Pinoys. So love your country, love the Earth. ^.^

9. <Your tip here>

10.  <Send me a comment or a message about what else you think students can do with their Nokia to have fun with their friend and family.>


+++

If you want to win a prize for writing about your experiences as a Nokia user and how to use it to connect or have fun with your family, consider joining this year's NOKIA ESSAY WRITING contest in PEBA 201. I am looking forward to reading your piece.

I got an award last year so I don't think I would be able to join it this year. But it would rock if I could. I want an LCD TV. Ahahaha! Or a new phone to add to my Nokia family. ^.^ Still, you should share your stories the same way you share your life to those you love through NOKIA.

++++

Additional advice:

** Take a picture of things you want to memorize / Record your notes.
- I remembered my friend Peter, who was a Vetmed major in UPLB did this with his digicam. Now that phones can take relatively high-resolution pictures, your notes would be easier to convert to pdf or turn into images.You can also use the recording capacity of your phone to record lectures. *make sure to take it out so that you can still have free space for emergency lectures - share via bluetooth to classmates to make new study buddies*

*** Mark your calendar for fun and for acads
- This is going to make sure you don't schedule a study time on your bloc's dinner and end up double booking or forgetting a promise you made to someone. Acads are just as important as human connection when you are in your freshman year. the best way to strike a balance is if you mark your calendars accordingly. And if you are not the organizer kinda person, your smartphone or phone calendar is the best one to use. 

**** Budget your allowance / Mark food prizes 
- The best way to stretch your allowance is to remember the place where the prices of things are cheaper than the competition. You can also put in a note where you like the food and how much it costs. So that next time that you have to tighten the belt, you know where to go and how much you would need for food.

***** Be parent-stalk-able.
- This is a double edged feature of being online on your wifi-capable phone. "Checking in" on places makes it easier for parents to track their kids using this app or on their kids' newsfeed. Since in UPLB there aren't a lot of locations where you can check in, you can post the update for you mom to see *if she knows her way around fb* and ease her mind.
Note: Do not post that you just got your allowance, are alone in your apartment, or is carrying some important gadget. You don't know who's checking your social networks out so be careful. Remember that everything you put out there (in the internet) tends to stay there for a very long time.

Gravity is a B **tch

I shouldn't have bought water for the weekend. I should have waited for the next day. I should but a lower yet steadier table to put my water in. But these ideas would not change the fact that my 5 gallon slim water container fell forward for no apparent reason. *I placed it perfectly steady on the very same place I have always put those things* It flooded my tiny-ass cell of a room and the water seeped to the second floor. Which of course, caused the rats err...the ladies who live downstairs to scramble and give me grief. Their light went out because it got wet. I don't have money or a deposit so I am preparing myself for some massive screaming later today.

I hope they don't ask me for my deposit or to pay for what happened. It was an accident and I suffered enough. All of my shit is wet because of it. I had to do impromptu clean up and wipe down because of that. I had to sleep on the dry side of my futon. My other one was as wet as a freaking sponge.

*note to self* Putting Japanese mats in my room might not be a crazy idea after all.

All in all I had a fabulous day, what with having a fever and cough, getting wet, cleaning up when I feel like shit, being blammed for their nights being ruined and possibly getting kicked out of my room *knocks on wood* as well as getting upset over little things, birthday blues and 100th day plan mishaps, I had a peachy day of pure awesomeness. *sarcasm sign*

I just hope that the "meet the Bautistas" is not as horrible as the "meet the Mirandas". Wait, the Mirandas loved me. So it should be better than that. But I was hot, sweet and not sick during that time. T_T It's gonna be a long weekend.

*Also the only Kung Fu Panda showing on Sunday costs an arm and a leg. So good luck sa amin ni Ico.*

I just want my 26th year to start already.
I deleted some movies and freed 63GB. I might just delete the lot of them when I am through with this. I just hope I have enough money to buy a burner already. I really really really want to clean up my laptop.

Brightside: I am hoping my bf learned a lesson not to press me when I am sick. I am learning to apologize for being a bitch. Empresz is back on Facebook...*too soon in my opinion but rebirth or not I hope she learned her lesson. (hoping really really hard) and my laptop didn't get doused in the GOT WATER tipping fiasco.

97 of 100 days : The PandaBear Project

I need more time. I need more of everything in my life. I think this is what having has done to my life. I think this is what reality-based love has done for me. Before I was inspired to dream and to write and simply to BE when I was with other people. I didn't care about control and I was always so very reckless. No second thoughts, no plans, just winging it. And I got my life and my heart broken into a million pieces.

I want him to understand this but he can't seem to bear hearing all the details. So some things get lost in translation. I know that he loves me and I really love him now more than I care to say. But that is the problem I think. Before my ego was the only thing that could get hurt, I always thought that if plans don't fall through then I have other things to do.

I have never dated a guy who made date plans and who took the initiative. Maybe once but he was gay so he doesn't count.

The problem is this time I expect more from myself and I know what I want and that becomes a problem because my personality is too strong for him to make a mark of his own. He knows that he doesn't take charge all too often. But I don't like to be the one who makes all the plans. I am a control freak and I want to not be like that. But it doesn't mean that I don't feel bad when things are not going my way.

I am a positive person and I've dated guys I tagged as emo. They are like an emotional black hole. Everything that comes near them gets sucked in. And quite frankly I am tired of men like that. Regular emos, fine. But black holes, HELL NO.

My love has the makings of a black hole. And I want him to stop eating up my sunshine. But this is how I know how to help him. But there would be times when he needs to remember, I don't need apologies, I need results. And when I say something is not gonna work out that means it's really not going to work out. And insisting on something that is not gonna work out is just adding to my stress.

I don't want him to be too malleable. I want him to take charge on things that matter. What I wear, what I say and what I do when we are not together is my business. As long as I don't cheat on him, I believe I decide those things. Most guys like to "handle" their women. I don't want that. And I think Ne Sarang tried that and he knows (hopefully he'll remember) that where I am, what I do, when I sms him or not, what I wear are my business. Getting bugged about them is a definite pet peeve. My mom learned this in the last five years.

I understand that not seeing each other every day is an unusual set-up. But that's just for now. Because once he graduates, we can celebrate wherever and whenever. We can go jogging whenever and wherever. Those plans are not just for now, they can be done in the future. There is no deadline to meet and anniversaries are just days.

What matters is that sms or no sms, I am thinking of him; propinquity or none he's in my heart.

I know there were setbacks in dating a younger guy but I always think that an honest heart that loves me is still much better than an illusion.

FanGirl 3.0 : MY MIG AYESA THERAPY

I have been so pissed off lately that I have been slowly going towards the SYCOR version of my personality.  The kind who snarls, gets random minor migraine attacks and keeps everything to herself. Sycor usually flattens egos and kick ass when necessary but when it is the depressed hurt version of my Sycor persona, he tends to destroy everything good in his path and leaves me miserable. He has an evil streak so I needed to stop the descend to the abyss personality. Luckily, I stumbled upon a favorite artist, Mig Ayesa. I googled the lyrics of one of his songs and ended up registering for OURSTAGE. I remember that they mentioned it in the fanpage once that he was competiting for a category. I was too busy to register then but I have listened to that song before.

http://www.ourstage.com/profile/migayesa

So far I have been listening to just a couple of songs while making the (personally I consider useless) class information for my students. I am feeling better.

When people ask my why sometimes I am unusually positive when I look at things, it's because of artists like him who sing songs that are not just about love or being cool.

You should seriously listen to UNITED AS ONE and you would smile at the intro. *listening to it now*

*sighs* I hope we won't have an Ondoy with this Chedeng that would hit during my boyfriend's birthday week. T_T

Positive messages, singers, it's possible to put them in your songs. Try nyo lang. (Try it.)

Reina, my bessie will be able to come home after three years and I need to unearth the Got Mig shirt that Miss L gave her.

I will post the picture when I give it to her. It won't be long we'll be fan girling again. As for now...*listens with foot following the melody*


P.S. Loves the ORDINARY MAN song. It reminds me of my dad. ^.^ And hopefully my future husband *winks at Ne Sarang*

I pity you

I always say that when I am still mad at you it means I still care.
Now there is a new person whom I am adding to the pity list. This is the list of people whom I pity for very very personal reasons. This is not the kind of pity that makes a person want to help that other person. It's the pity that makes you put up your hands and let God deal with that particular glitch in the matrix.

So far there was my ex, a former classmate and ex-roomate and now their is a girl who can't quite understand the concept of friendship and humility.

This justifies my opinion that people will never change and you can't force them to. Also that you can't argue with idiots because they are fully convinced that they are correct.

It'll be a waste of good cells to care for a person who can't even find it in herself to love the truth about who she really is. I have long embraced that I am a liar and that I HATE CHANGE. But because of the friends who have been honest to me about them hating me then and telling me when I am not being a good person, I became a better person.

So to her friends, if you feel like you are afraid that your friend would betray you. You are wrong. You are not really friends.

In my book a friend is someone you can trust to help you dig up a hole in the middle of the forest to help you bury an ex-boyfriend who replaced you with an ugly brainless twit. They should be vaults. They should protect you and not sell you out. You should have an automatic understanding that one should never betray the others.

I hope that in the future this girl doesn't get into a bull session or a writing workshop, because I am sure there would be a wrestling mania when that happens.

A writer who is incapable of revising her work or accepting constructive criticism is like a reader who is staring and re-reading the same sentences on the front page. They can't move on to better things and they can't see how the end would turn out.

I don't want her guilt to eat her up. I don't want to turn her into a person she wouldn't want to be. But I don't want her to accuse anyone of bailing out on her when in fact we were trying to help her. As they say no good deed goes unpunished. We hope she would come back. I want her to be able to redeem herself. I pray that she would be able to use the revisions that I made on her work and the advice that I gave her to make better stories. Because her style needs to improve, the grammar needs to improve and she needs to understand that marketability is something like a novel in popular Filipino.

If she doesn't come back and continues to live her life incapable of taking creative criticism, then she is condemning herself to a miserable working situation and one-sided relationships.

I can handle the truth

What I can't handle is that all this time that I have been doing my best to help you and hope that you can become as good as you hope to be, you didn't extend the same love and devotion that I extended towards you. If I was the same mean girl that I was in highschool. *yes I was worse than you can ever imagine* you would be covered in boils and your hair would be falling off now. But always I thank the LOYAL and HONEST friends that have helped me become less mean. All I need to do is direct my anger or disappointment to other more productive things. I remember now that I should always remember that my SOUL is of more valueable than simple revenge because I have people who love me and appreciate my give my 100% to friends attitude. Too bad that now I have to demote you to workmate or acquaintance. Because I can't trust you with my deepest darkest secrets if you can't even say to my face and be truthful that I hurt you. You know my policy. Hurt me but not the people I hold dear.

And up until the truth was revealed to me, I was defending you. I was telling them, please cut her some slack. She is young. We are here to help her understand how the world works. I want her to reach her full potential. But now I can honestly say, you are dead to me. I will finish the work I promised to do and I will wash my hands of you. I will continue to edit and help those who are willing to accept my help. And I will find joy that I helped them come this much closer to achieving their dreams.

I was too trusting again. This is my greatest flaw from the start. My mom told me it was because she is like that too. But like her, once my trust is broken it is revocked forever.

So feel free to talk behind my back. Feel free to tell others you dislike how I helped you. Refuse to grow up. Because I have no need of people like you in my life. Believe unfriending you is not necessary. I will just keep on existing fabolously as I have always done. I will focus on those who are willing to extend this hand to help others.  I will welcome those antis who would tell me that I am an arrogant, controlling bitch who has a UP complex. Because at least, they were honest and they gave me a chance to explain and make amends.

Someday, I hope you meet people like my friends who can point you in the right direction. OR hit you in the back of the head when you are being stupid. And  I have the bumps to prove that I needed that more than once.

Sana matupad mo ang mga pangarap mo. I am here as the EIC. I don't think you considered me a real friend. Because in my book real ones tell their friends "Hey, you hurt me. Fix it."

Too late if you say it now. Nasaktan na ako.

I think I am having birthday blues

I don't really care that I am getting a year older. I could care less about that. Getting older is a human thing that no matter how many needles people stick to their faces can not be changed.

But I have decided after seeing the astronomical deductions on my &$#^ payslip that my dream job is a nightmare that is waiting to happen.

So I have decided that this year I would seriously consider either getting alternative means to earn moolah or I would move to a job *that I may or may not hate* but pays a lot more than my present job.

Don't get me wrong. I love my job. I love my co-workers. most of my co-workers. But I can't keep staying in debt with my mom and not have enough money to eventually be the bread winner of my own family.

Most of my friends are doing okay. I think they have three times or fifteen times more stress in their lives than I do. And the stress is reflected on their paychecks. At least in their cases they are happy at least two times a month. In my case, there is not even that. Sure I am stress-free in general or happy in general. But it's a pain.

I can't be idealistic anymore. I need to be an adult.

Plan A: Get a writing gig that pays.

I need to write novels or something else that I can market. I think I can't write for my old SEO job since I haven't written in a lonnnnnnnnnnng time. I think I am probably on probationary and I don't have a homebased internet source so I can't do that. But if I will stay in my schedule-easy job, I can write novels. I just hope my fear of rejection doesn't get in the way.

Plan B: Convergy's

I promised Trina that if I ever decide to go back to that industry that I would try to work in her company. I just hope that I am still as trainable as I was before. I am sure I am. But it's sooooooo stressful. ^.^ I will try to go to the gym once I can afford it.

* I am actually just waiting for one of two things. I get a writing gig that pays or I get enough money for a deposit and lee way so that I can look for a new job if any case this kind of pay won't cut it. I also need a roomate for my hole in the wall room that costs an arm and a leg.

I need to pay my mommy debt (my debt to my mom) and I need to save for my future. I want to be able to buy my own house and be able to have a place to call my own (preferably in the metro or in LB) and then write for money.

It's time to stop being an idealistic "My life is not worth this much." Because frankly, my skills are not worth this little.

Heading Kuya Ronnie's Advice : PEBA Nominee 2011

Disclaimer: Hindi kasi ako makapag-comment sa blog nya for some reason so dito na lang.

I was amused with his reference to Dorothy and the ruby slippers. Ronnie's simple approach to how to discuss a main issue amongst OFWs made me think of the relatives that I have who are in other countries. My tita Lodia started working in Hong Kong when it was still a British colony. Now it's Chinese territory and she is still there. She was not able to invest a lot at home and there is not much to show for it. Her husband was not as ideal (he's my uncle by blood) and her kids are not a source of pride either. Her eldest daughter got knocked up and now has a raging little daimon of a son and her younger daughter was a former volleyball scholar who is now an out of school youth. She didn't tell her mom that she has flunked out of school and got kicked off the team a semester before thus she owes the school at least 18,000 in tuition. She can't even go back to her old home where she used to send a lot of money to because she can't bear to look at her husband who betrayed her. She has a knee injury that she endures. She got it when she flew off her husband's motorcycle one time she was back in the country. I wish she could come back home and have a chance to be happy here, to enjoy what she worked so hard for. But with no one to support her here she prefers to continue to work to save for her future.

On the other hand, I have my Tito Pako who is actually on a vacation now in the Philippines. He married a Bulakenya (tita Nancy) and they have two daughters, Elena and Patty (Fatima). He was able to invest in a home in the same compound as his parents-in-law. He asked my mom to save him money and invest it in educational plans and health plans (I don't know what happened to those since those companies have barely made it through the economic crises.) He is a citizen there because of all the years that he has lived and worked there. Their kids were born there and have dual-citizenship because of that. He is the go-to-guy when my mom can't afford my grandfather's hospital bills. But he is also saving for his future. He knows that in the future, when his kids are able to finish college, he would want to retire or take longer vacations in the Philippines. He doesn't want to die in another country though the health system there might be better than ours. The government actually gives the people refunds for their taxes and not hoards it for personal gain.

My bessie from UPLB is coming home with her mom. She is thinking of looking for a place to buy or land to buy so that she would have some investment. Her mom also wants to retire in the Philippines. OFWs in that part of the world can't get citizenship so they can't really own property (as far as I know). Her brother is going study in UP Baguio so she is thinking of making the best out of her long vacation. I envy her in a sense. I want to invest on a house as well. But if I actually do that, my parents would INSIST that I invest on a house in BATANGAS and not in the city. I wish I had enough money to buy land and have my dad build a dorm near UPLB. But that would only happen if I marry a sheik, win gazillions in lottery (I have never played so impossible) or if I inherit gold from an unknown relative. Not even prostituting myself would pay that much.

My mom mentioned wanting to invest on land near UPLB. My brother's job is based there and my mom hopes that my sister would study there as well. UP Diliman is the only other option for my sister. ^.^ I would hate to be her since she might need to bunk with me if she ever studies in Manila.

Even my ex is investing on money. But he is coming back home under shady reasons this June. There are so many stories that are untold, both inspiring, one hope the other fear. My mom keeps telling me that her shaman told her that if I go abroad she would get a lot of gain from that endeavor. *Of course she would! I would be single and my dream is to give her loads of money.* But I am too much of a scardy cat to do that. Plus, it's cold in Canada.

I just hope that if I ever leave (if by some twist of fate I do, not that I WANT TO) that I would be smart enough to invest my money too.

Belated Greeting: To the Superwomen in my life

We all know how much my siblings and I love our INAY. For us May 7 is always Mother's Day since it's her birthday. I got her "sexy pantulog and pambahay" as per her request. It didn't fit since my mom and I are plus-size women. But she found a way. This is the bottom line when it comes to her. She always finds a way. It depends on how you look at it. My brother says my mom always finds a way to say something bad about his gift. I am just thinking that my mom can't stop joking about and talking about his gift. That is the upside. But her jokes can be a little corny and my little brother has no layers, just the epidermis then the emo center.

As for the other superwomen in my life, there are my strong-willed aunts who work and take care of their kids at the same time.

Fabulous friends of mine who are the bread winners of their family. Ladies who chose LIFE over a lifestyle that would be more comfortable without the lovely angels that God sent their way. And Zaturnahs who chose to be the mothers in their home that is lacking in vaginas.

No mother what kind of mother you have, whether or not you like them as of this moment. There is an undeniable truth here. She gave you life, perhaps she traumatized you a little bit growing up (or a lot - but that is an MMK story not part of this blog) just by being a dotting mom, but you have to give her what is due her. Gratitude. Be thankful that you had a mother, however she or whoever she may be.

I know that it took me 25 years to know that my mother is way smarter than all of us UP grad kids combined. The fact that she found a good man amidst a brood of machos and raised smartalecks with a tinge of morals, it's unbelievable that she survived that and got three adults and a elementary school student who wants to run for class office out of it.

I am my mother's daughter. I just hope I am half as good at being a mother when it's my turn.

The Man who can't be moved - The Script

This is a great song. Ne Sarang plurked about it. I like it because I too have tried to wait for someone. Come to think about it I was so adamant to wait for him that I had let others who were far better than him pass by. I sat myself down and people looked at me like I was asking for something that I didn't really need. When I finally decided my ass was hurting from waiting out in the cold, I got up and walked away from that "street corner". Now when I pass by it, I feel triumphant. Since there are those who are still sitting on street corners and waiting for someone to help them up. ^.^

Meet ISKO Lar

Nang pumunta ako sa YUPIELBI kahapon, natuwa ako kasi I was able to use my holiday para maka-reconnect ang parte ng pagkatao ko na alam kong nag-feed ng soul ko noong nasa Elbi pa ako. Ang pagiging GABAY ko ay nagbukas ng maraming mga pintuan, abilidad at karanasan. CTD-OSA volunteers pa kami nung una. Kami na lang ang nag-isip ng pangalang GABAY Volunteer Corps *hindi ko sure ang actual history basta one day GABAY na ang namesung namin* Dati si Ate Laarni pa ang head namin. Pero she got married at kailangan niyang lumipat ng bansa so si Kuya V na ang naging "handler" ng GABAY. Kung UPLB student ka at napadaan ka na ng Rm.9, I am sure nakita mo na sha at ang kanyang unique hairstyle.

Anyway, me chismis akong nasagap, me isang eshoserong toadlet na naggawa pa ng fanpage para sa mga '11 para lang magkalat ng kanyang "claim to fame" na opinyon ukol sa PCO. Gusto kong ipakain sa kanya ang mga love notes na nakuha ko last time na pumunta kami dun at ang lahat ng love notes in the past na nagsasabi na useful at informative ang PCO para sa mga bagong student. Ipagdadasal na lang namin na hindi siya makapitan ng sumpa. Merong kasing jinx sa Rm.9 sa mga epal na katulad niya. They always end up having to come back ang asking for a clearance signature. Hindi sya makaka-graduate/re-enroll/honorary exit ng hindi dumadaan sa CTD-OSA. So kung ako sa kanya, magiging mabait akong bata. Ika nga, the counselors never forget.

Pero I am sure kung bubuksan niya ang sarili niya sa mga bagong experiences, mag-eenjoy din sha sa UPLB. Or kung hindi, after nya makakuha ng 33 units, pwede shang lumipat ng ibang campus. Again, the people from CTD-OSA can help him with that since part nga sila OFFICE OF STUDENT AFFAIRS.

So here is my rebuttal to YOU. Meet Isko Lar and read up about what it's like for him in ELBI in Isko Lar's Diary: Elbizen Experience.

http://iskolarngbayanuplb.blogspot.com/

http://iskolarngbayanuplb.blogspot.com/

Kung me rebuttal din kayo o testimonial, good man o bad, send nyo na lang sa iskolarngbayanuplb@gmail.com. Pwede ring me picture if trip nyo lang.

Birthday Thanks 2011 : Part 1 = My Loco Familia

Since it's May and it's 26 days before I enter my late twenties, I have decided to combat Birthday Blues with positive energy, so the blogs that would lead to Ne Sarang's Bday, our 100 days and my 26th birthday would be about things that I am most thankful of. This would also include people that I am thankful to. So if you find that you do not know what you are reading, well then it's just my crazy life and the people in it. I hope that you read it without rose colored glasses and with a grain of salt.

First up,

I AM THANKFUL OF MY CRAZY FAMILY.

We are a family of low-balling achievers. There is no pressure to be the best at something or bring home medals. Somehow the love and the lack of pressure to be the best made me and my brothers UP GRADUATES. ^.~ So my mom and dad are OTHERS, as we call them. She studied in WESTERN (night school baby, that adds additional difficulty points mind you) and my dad is MAPUA graduate. It would have been easier for them to have us go to college in Batangas. It would have been easier to control us to say the least. But I am glad that my mom (despite her paranoia) let us study in UP. The life lessons are something that OTHERS would not be able to give their students despite the unbelievable tuition fees or real life immersion.

My parents are the most supportive and brilliant couple that I have ever met. Granted that they their paranoia and normal parent moments and we disagree on some things. But the fundamental way that they raised me and my brothers, I think they didn't miss out on the important stuff.

I still owe my parents a lot *literally actually, I digress* and I want to be able to pay up. One thing my mom insisted is that once we declare that we are independent of them (read as : graduate and get a job) we are not allowed to ask them for money. All pesos released are put into our "debt". I think most kids don't get to understand why I have to pay back what I borrowed from my mom. They go "She's your mom, right? Why do you have to pay her back?"

It's because I owe her that and I owe that to myself. My mom wants me to learn how to take care of my money *however belatedly* and I realized that when I become a mother myself *not any time soon so chill friends, relatives and countrymen* I would teach my kids to value every peso. Piggy banks would be a staple in my family. I would teach them to be like my brother GM who is quite good in saving his money to fund the things that he wants to buy. I personally suck at anything that requires me to do math in my head or any kind of math for that matter. How I passed Accounting in high school is a mystery to me.

My parents taught me that being a good daughter or a loving son is about sacrifice and not about how much money you can dish out. Being the second born it seems they are the first born now since my father's older brother is in Canada with his family and kids and my mom's big brother passed away years ago. When there is some emergency or big decision to do, my mom and dad are the go to people. This is why I think they got more white hair than they ever got from me and my brothers. Sure we are bull-headed but unlike some girls I did make sure my escapades didn't leave a bun in the oven and my brothers are not interested to do something like that to whomever they are seeing. Family is my parents number one priority. But since they have three UP grads under their belt, they could already enjoy their lives, right? Nope. They still have my little sister and now they took my two nephews into their care. It makes me go "You are kidding me right? You should be retired by now and pa-Subic subic na lang." *it's a private joke since they went there and had a lot of fun together when my mom was sent to a conference by her boss and my dad tagged along* But my parents are professional parents.

I have one simple goal and it was never to be a mom or a wife or have an executive seat anywhere. It's to be able to have enough financial stability to help my mom with my youngest sibling's education. I spoke too soon since my brother was the youngest before and he is a researcher now. Now I have 11 more years to help my parents. And since I have no plans to be a spinster anymore I might need to give up this job and try a harder to deal with one to get a better cash flow.

Still, I am thankful of my parents and my siblings since now I understand just how lucky I am to have a normal albeit extremely noisy family. I know that the man that I would love would have to fill big shoes and I would have to learn how to be a good worker, mother and daughter from my mother.

I will continue to strive to bring them no shame. ^.^

Pinaywriter EIC Hiatus

Here is the thing.
I have so many stories to edit and I as the story goes, I only have two hands.

I hope that you would understand that I am focusing on the E-Books for now and that I would not be available to help you in the beginning of your work.

I have said that I would be okay with some stories to be posted at the .com and I will edit them in the future. But this applies only to authors and those whose ability I have already approved.

But this in NO WAY IS FAVORITISM. It's more like TRUST and BALANCE. Because even those who are very very good keep their HUMILITY and not let their stories get to the .com without me finishing it.

It springs from slight insecurity and *I dare say this* their trust that I would be able to help them improve their already passionate piece.

IF ANYONE THINK THEY ARE MY FAVORITE BECAUSE I LET THEM BREEZE THROUGH then they are wrong. Because those whom I bug, I stress out, I repeatedly critique, those are the ones whose work I RESPECT. I don't have any favorites. I am too selfish to like other people than myself. *again I dare say this*

If you think I favor you above the others, then you are wrong. I make the same offers to all the writers, post then I will edit when I have time. But why have they not posted or insisted on being posted at the .com without me returning the other half of their work or their novel despite INSISTENT TOPPERS DEMAND? Because they respect their work too much. They love writing and they want to give out the best work they could out.

Again, if there is anyone who wields my name as their sole champion. They are wrong. I am the champion, nay, the devil's advocate of all the writers in this group. I am relentless but I am not without a knowledge of my own flaws. I would own up to whatever I do wrong for I always have a reason for doing them. My manners may not be a polished as others, but my love and passion matches yours.

Translation: Pasensya na wala akong oras sa mga taong feeling nila special sila. We are all special, thus no one is above the others. I just edit your stuff but I have the heart of the writer too. I have the needs of a reader as well. I want TOP to be better just as much as you want it to stay.
If you think I am harsh and my language is far from being nice but you just need to tell me if I am and I will dial it down. I am here to help not to make people's lives miserable.

I would like to thank RR for the head's up. Never be shy to point out when I am being a mean, bitchy and totally out of place EIC. As for now,  I am taking a break. I need to catch up on BBBS, finish it and worry about the rest once my schedule clears up.

Foo. I just hope you remember that you promised us that you would give us a head's up if any stories gets posted. We are not just hoping for it, we expect it.

E-autograph

I finally got an e-signature. But I have no idea how to put this in all of my previous posts. Can anyone help me?