97 of 100 days : The PandaBear Project

I need more time. I need more of everything in my life. I think this is what having has done to my life. I think this is what reality-based love has done for me. Before I was inspired to dream and to write and simply to BE when I was with other people. I didn't care about control and I was always so very reckless. No second thoughts, no plans, just winging it. And I got my life and my heart broken into a million pieces.

I want him to understand this but he can't seem to bear hearing all the details. So some things get lost in translation. I know that he loves me and I really love him now more than I care to say. But that is the problem I think. Before my ego was the only thing that could get hurt, I always thought that if plans don't fall through then I have other things to do.

I have never dated a guy who made date plans and who took the initiative. Maybe once but he was gay so he doesn't count.

The problem is this time I expect more from myself and I know what I want and that becomes a problem because my personality is too strong for him to make a mark of his own. He knows that he doesn't take charge all too often. But I don't like to be the one who makes all the plans. I am a control freak and I want to not be like that. But it doesn't mean that I don't feel bad when things are not going my way.

I am a positive person and I've dated guys I tagged as emo. They are like an emotional black hole. Everything that comes near them gets sucked in. And quite frankly I am tired of men like that. Regular emos, fine. But black holes, HELL NO.

My love has the makings of a black hole. And I want him to stop eating up my sunshine. But this is how I know how to help him. But there would be times when he needs to remember, I don't need apologies, I need results. And when I say something is not gonna work out that means it's really not going to work out. And insisting on something that is not gonna work out is just adding to my stress.

I don't want him to be too malleable. I want him to take charge on things that matter. What I wear, what I say and what I do when we are not together is my business. As long as I don't cheat on him, I believe I decide those things. Most guys like to "handle" their women. I don't want that. And I think Ne Sarang tried that and he knows (hopefully he'll remember) that where I am, what I do, when I sms him or not, what I wear are my business. Getting bugged about them is a definite pet peeve. My mom learned this in the last five years.

I understand that not seeing each other every day is an unusual set-up. But that's just for now. Because once he graduates, we can celebrate wherever and whenever. We can go jogging whenever and wherever. Those plans are not just for now, they can be done in the future. There is no deadline to meet and anniversaries are just days.

What matters is that sms or no sms, I am thinking of him; propinquity or none he's in my heart.

I know there were setbacks in dating a younger guy but I always think that an honest heart that loves me is still much better than an illusion.