No more after this - T.O.P.

Naiiyak ako. Hindi ako high blood. Kasi hindi ko na pinapaabot ang init sa ulo ko. Otherwise I would be cursing up a storm and marami lang akong flaws na ma-eexpose. I am trying to be a calmer person. I am freaking 26 years old now. I need to learn patience and boy is this year teaching me that being nice is such a challenge and a pain in the toushie.

I made mistakes. But I am not the kind of person who sits in one corner feeling sorry for herself. I am a fighter. I fight harder when I am hurt, bleeding and gasping for air. That is what I think seperates real heroes to those who believe themselves better than something else. A real hero doesn't have a sense of entitlement. He doesn't need medals and applause. He can sacrifice more for the common good and is mum about it. He doesn't go in the middle of a crowd and asks them to kiss his feet. The real hero isn't the prince who rides in his mighty steed at the end of the battle. The real hero is his most mangled foot soldier who could barely smile because it hurts to move his cheeks. War torn and bruised, he or she doesn't care if the crowd is screaming his name but that he was able to achieve peace for all the land. And of course that he survived yet another battle. And once he is healed, he is ready to have another one though he does not hope for one to happen anytime soon.

I realized that I really need to choose those whom I should extend the hand of friendship to. I haven't had a chance to be bitten by someone whom I have considered promising. I have apprentices in the past, each more arrogant than the next. Each more stubborn than the last. Each with a sense of entitlement worse than the last. But they were able to prove to me that their arrogance can be used for good. And they were never rude to their elders.

I guess the world that I lived in should shift. I never wanted to compartmentalize the new people that I meet. I hoped that high school clique mentality of mine had gone. But I guess it's time to bring it back. I will keep those that I love and who love me for who I am as well as my limitations close to me. Those who are associated to me because of their talents would be just below. And the new ones that I meet would just have to be online associates.

I apologize for whomever would be affected by this. I know I am not that significant to the world to cause that much of a ripple. I missed Chen most of all during this time. I know that she was hurt by me before and I was angry when she didn't tell me. None of the things that she did or what happened could make me stay angry at her. But this time, I think that would need to change.

There are things that need to change. But we would not change because of one scrawny kid. We have been planning changes and had been weighing them for a while now. And when he decides to build his own realm, he would realize that being a leader, sitting on one's throne is lonely and difficult. That is why we sit together in a circle to talk about these things. There are things you do not see, things you are yet to understand boy. We know there are flaws and mistakes that were made. But there is one thing that we know that you are yet to learn, that selflessness is not something that is easy to do. Open-ness is something that is hard to achieve. So we must all compromise. I know the effort that you did must have been tremendous for you to think that we have abandoned you. Perhaps your cause is true. But I don't have to talk down to others to have them understand my wrath. If I were you, and as you are saying you would do, I would make a better place for me to do whatever I want. I hope that like Foo, you would find some people who you can trust to accept you for you who are and are not afraid to hit you over the head for being a crazy frack.

There is much for you to learn, young padone. It's not just talent that makes you a person. Tell that to the voices in your head. One of them is sure to understand.

To all the Toppers, slighted or active, lost and new, I will do what I can to make you happy. And I will continue to write, not for fame...not for money...but for the simple fact that I know that in time, I would be able to give you a story that would make you laugh, cry or reflect on your life.

To all the TOP writers, contributors, lost and new thank you for your patience. I offer you all my free time, time is all that I can give you. Every word I cross out, ever correction that I make is with love. So please do not reject my love for you. Give me a chance to give you my love.

Love after all is the “elitism” that caused this website to be, that keeps this community together. We don't need website hits, likes and adoration. We are here to give you stories, to read your stories and to keep T.O.P. alive.

xoxo,