cellphone. I had forgotten that it was on vibrate mode since I don't
usually answer calls at work. She was calling at an odd time. I
thought something had happened. She knows I don't put load on my phone
these days. She sent me ten pesos and I told her that I was late for
work last Tuesday, slip and fell but was okay. I also figured she was
worried about those terrorists. My mom had a sixth sense when it comes
to bad things happening to us. And even if we were already in our
twenties, my mom still can't sleep if she can't account for all our
whereabouts.
Clearly I have been cut off from the world since I moved back to
Makati without a chance to watch TV or the news everyday. I didn't
even know that someone has taken someone hostage yesterday and there
was a passer-by and a firefighter who got hurt. My mom remembered that
I pass by that area so she was calling me because she was worried and
she wanted me to stay alert. Being my mother she knows that I can be a
bit of an idiot when I am sleepy or that I daydream when I walk. So
she knows that I might get into something if I am not forwarned. She
also knows that I would rather fight off someone who is trying to hurt
me than give up and hope someone helps me. she knows all these things
and she worries.
I wonder how I would be when I become a mom. Yes, I said it. Despite
all the depressing love affairs that I've had. I hope that someday
that I will be a mom. Maybe to a boy or a boyish little girl like I
was. It wouldn't matter if they were a klutz like me. I would love
them and worry about them like my mother does.
She was happy to know that I would have a roommate soon. You see there
is something odd about me and my family. Some of the men have died in
their sleep. And I have spirit guides that disturb me when I sleep.
But they only attach themselves to me when I fall in love deeply. My
mom doesn't really know all this but I think she is just afraid that I
would get into one of those lethal nightmares. But I told her that it
only happens when I have a boyfriend. So I assured her that she should
worry. I think if it wasn't for all the crimes in the city, my short
hair would be enough to make my mom worry less about me.
I would be underestimating her if I would believe that to be true.
You see, there is a reason why the expression from WOMB TO TOMB came
to be a part of all languages. It means the same for all cultures,
even for all species. Mothers would always worry about their kids.
They would worry even more when they get grandkids, I think.
So you see, I want to find a man who loves his mother dearly and cares
for her well. Because a man like that would be someone who my mom
would stop worrying over. She would feel like she has done her best to
make me happy and secure. And that it was now time for me to do the
same for my own family.
And I am sure, I would be an even worse insomiac than her.
Unfortunately for my kids, I am tech savvy too. *teehee*
I can't wait to fall in love again, to have someone to have a family
with and to be a good mother. Because I am no longer afraid to set
myself up to my parent's standards. Because if I worry and love my
kids half as much as my mom loved us and all her "ampon" then I would
be a pretty awesome mom.
Although, I would study cooking sooner rather than later. If I don't
kill of my future husband because of my cooking skills, then I guess I
would have some pretty chubby kids or kid. ^_^
Someday I would be a worrying mom too. If not, I can be a worrying
aunt. ^_^ I just need to find someone to be with and to support me in
that silly little dream.
For now, I really need to worry about my regularization and the
stories I have to work with. Once I get regularized I am sure that is
something else off my mom's chest. And once I edit and write again, I
would be like my old self, creative, relentless and in love with life.
I am sure love with come my way again. I just hope it doesn't hit me
like a bus again. That one time with Mark was enough. It's an
experience but I don't really need to repeat it. I think in the back
of my mom's mind she worries about that silly premonition of that fake
seer, that I would get pregnant before I am nineteen. (She would
always tease me that she would send me to a nunnery.) I plan to fall
in love, get married THEN have children. I would do something like
getting knocked up to my mother. She raised me better than that.
I might not be an ambitious daughter who can study law or earn a lot
of money. I might not be the pure and feminine girl she wanted me to
be. But I would definitely not let my mom worry about that kind of
thing ever. She's had enough scars from dealing with my female
cousins. I know it hurt her to see them unable to enjoy before the
ended up being responsible for another human being. I know she would
have wanted that for them. Maybe even more than their own parents.
But I would definitely find someone who would make my mom stop
worrying about me. Someone as loyal, loving, and (well according to
her) handsome as my dad.
*gyah* As I grow older, I realize my parents, who at times I've seen
share a pillow, spoon while in a deep sleep, sit apart but connect
just because they are in the same room, are the best model for true
love and happiness.
I have seen it happen and continue to happen. So I won't loose hope.
I'll make a home that is just like the one that I grew up in. A home
in a house my father built and my mother nurtured. Where I love you's
are not necessary because love is undeniably abundant. Where the man
comes home to a noisy house full of laughter and warmth. Where kids
can study and play without worrying about position, medals or shame.
Where learning is valued over monetary gain. where hard work is a
motto and not just something said in a rash scolding. Where I can go
home and feel like a kid again without forgetting that I am indeed an
adult.
I will pay off my debt and start saving for that future. I need to
learn to curb my desires and random wishes. When I become a mom I
would have to sacrifice for my kids since I don't think I would want
to have a well-off husband. ^_^ I would just be with someone who is
hardworking and has a lot of love to give. Who will hold me whatever
shape or size I would be and tell my embrassed children that I am sexy
and beautiful.
I'll definitely find that man. And he won't be perfect. I would have
to teach him a thing or two about women. But he would be there to tell
me if my food tastes bland and sometimes take over the cooking because
he doesn't want to eat something weird yet again.
And he would be manly enough to help my little hands wring the
laundry. And he would cook something special on our daughter's
birthday too. And he would like collecting something too. For my dad
it was shoes and caps. I wonder what it would be for my husband?
But definitely, he would be a little scared of my mom. As she always
envokes that kind of respect in men that meet her. But they realize
that she is a softie and would love her more for her strength, nagging
and concern. My man would know how strong I would be when the time
comes. Because he would see how much of worrry-wart my mom is and be
amazed with what she can do. He would think that my mother taught me
all of that determination and steel-will. And he would say that he
chose well. I would love him and he would love not just me but also my
entire crazy family.
And then my mother would see a smile on my face that would make her
stop worrying about me and start worrying about my little sister
instead. By then it would be her turn.
^_^
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