Monday, April 25, 2011

I Will Carry You

The advantages of having many loving children and relatives is keeping my grandfather comfortable. My mother didn't go into a lot of details but basically there is a lump in my grandfather's left lung that would be dangerous to move and extremely hard to keep around.

My grandfather was walking around and happy on his 80th birthday last January. We had friends, relatives and such. I went home straight through the rainy evening from my friends' wedding. I instructed my sister in making a cooler lettering using magazine pages for his HAPPY 80th BIRTHDAY LOLO CELO.

But I can't abide sickness. I can't handle that he is this weak. He's been an extremely active man. If it wasn't for his almoranas he would still be on his bike. Sometimes vices and old age combine to make your life harder than you could ever imagine.

My mother is veteran with living with disease. She is a cancer survivor. She still has benign cysts in her breasts. I am scared that all these stress is going to do something adverse. My dad has hypertension, my mom is getting palpitations (she is not allowed to eat anything that can cause increased heart rate) and I am worried that I won't be able to make the sacrifices that my mom is doing now. She is frazzled but they are both holding on to each other and it's amazing to have to see this. It makes me hope for a love that doesn't demand one's whole attention, but is willing to be there waiting for you to lean back and sigh.

We weren't much help, my brothers and I. I admit to being afraid to face things like this and I am a little sad that I wasn't able to help a lot. Seeing people wearing masks instead of him shows how my family loves him. We don't want to give him anything so my brother who had a cold couldn't be around him. But that doesn't mean those who can take care of him loves him more than we do. It just means they have more time.

These are the times when I wish I still had the 20K+ salary that I had in E-Lamp. Because if that was the case, I would be able to help my mother in the part that seems to be out of her hands, money. Everyone is trying to help her and my aunts have been amazing with him, but sometimes care is not enough.

If I had healing hands and if it was possible, I would love to have my grandfather see my kids. I don't want them to miss seeing him or meeting him. Stories are not the same.

He is so weak and I can see it in his eyes that he doesn't like it. He absolutely hates being weak because he is a survivor. I hope he pulls through.

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