Tuesday, April 5, 2011

The Vulnerable side of love

I don't like it when I have to consider the feelings of others. I am the most inconsiderate person that I know. I have to consciously make an effort to not be a brutally frank person. I have a faulty filtering system and I don't like to keep things in.

So I hurt people all the time. I hurt those who I love more than often.

My real problem is that I expect them to all be thick-skinned enough to not give in to what I say.

I made the mistake of showing the side of me that I know people should never see. And I determined something about our relationship because of that.

Nyanya doesn't show her vunerable side to people whom she doesn't love. So I know I don't have to wait for the 100 days to be done. I know that he's the one in my heart and although he ticks me off at times, I know I love him.


I know my friends are all trying to pry it out of me. And they haven't stopped teasing me to my office crush and my ex because of it. They think that Ico might be a rebound guy or that he doesn't have a hold on my heart.

Well, this time around the love isn't something that swept me off my feet. It was something that woke me up in the middle of the night and told me to be true to myself.

And you know what? I feel like I am in a real relationship this time. I told him that I needed someone who can take care of me and not the other way around. He said I was like his mom and I told him that if he wanted to compare me to his mother then he should treat his mom better. I have heard Mark say that he loves his mom but he lies to her and he lies to the women in his life because it's convenient for him. How a man treats his mother is how he would treat his future wife or the woman in his life. JL wanted to please his mother even though it was against ever cell in his body. And that was what happened to us too. He tried to do something that doesn't seem natural to him. And I ended up getting hurt in the end.

I want Ico to have a good relationship and to be more mature when dealing with his mother. There is no other woman he should love more than her. And he shouldn't show his love for me and just assume that his mom understands that he loves her without him showing it everyday.

I want an honest man who loves and respects mothers, his most of all and is not too hung up on being macho to show his love.

If a man lies to his mother, don't expect him to tell you the truth all the time.

I know I am prejudiced when I say this but I know this to be true. There are things of course that my parents do not know about me. But those are things that are between me and other people and doesn't concern them. But if it involves them, then they have access to that information. I am actually very open about those things. I realized that they are the only people who would love and support me when I am fracking up. I might not always listen to their suggestions but I am living based on the values that they themselves instilled in me.

I hate it when people hurt themselves because of me or because they say that they can't live without me. It seems too pathetic and me insinuating that I might not be around to see it is even more pathetic. I know that I am empathic. This is why I don't like hanging out with emos and jejemons. I don't want to be like them. So Ico needs to put his shit together. Because he can't get his strength from me. He needs to generate his own. And his shit won't fly with me if he dives into panic mode every time that there is an argument. That is so childish and pathetic.

I am trying to teach him to use his emotions as a energy source to do good things. But so far, he hasn't learned that fully. On my side, I relearned vulnerability. But this time around, I have high hopes that my love would not squander my trust. Unlike the other before him.

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