Friday, April 8, 2011

Is He Worth it?

In the back of my mind I always ask this about the men that my friends date. And there are times when the voice in my head is so bitchy that the words slip out and I tell them that no, I don't think that he is. You know what I am talking about, it's the naggy bitch you in your head you can know just by looking at a couple if they are really going to make it.

But I always always always hope that things would work out for my friends. Because if they are happy then I am happier.

The problem was that I always ignored this question before. I always just lived in the moment. I called it, "My version of forever". I had never wanted to have a future with those men I dated. Yes, I know that sounds so bitter but it's true. I had a type and that was UNATTAINABLE MEN. The people who know my history understand this about me. They know the people that I have dated are exactly like that.

I somehow made myself believe that they would be worth it. Ignoring red flags is my thing. I think this is why I am so critical towards Mond. It causes me to compare him with them and he doesn't realize that the reason why is I am trying to motivate him is because I don't want him to end up like them. None of my exes finished college. And I think that made them feel a little less around me. I know people who have better jobs and paychecks than me but didn't finish college. There is a taboo stigma about that amongst families and they carry a specific shield for that. And I would really really want Mond to stop getting beef over the fact that he is still in school.

I felt relieved when he told me that he would focus on his goals. That is a good sign I think. I always get this weird feeling in my past when a guy tries to connect his dreams and hopes with mine. I had a negative experience about a man not leaving because he couldn't trust me enough to leave me. I think he thinks that was his feelings and love telling him to do it. But I believe it was because he didn't think that he was going to be good enough for me to wait for him. I did wait. And all the reason he can give me was that he couldn't contact my phone and my brother's. I guess he was not as resourceful as I had hoped. He even believed his friend that I was in Canada. Idiot. If he has said goodbye in the first place...I wouldn't be happy now. So I am thankful to him for letting me learn my lesson well.

I tend to learn my lessons the hard way. I don't regret making them. People are so hung up on the bad things that happened to us that we refuse to move past them. And that is why most of us are stuck doing the same things to people who had nothing to do with the past pains that we are still enduring.

This is why I know that I have a healthier relationship now than the ones that I had before. Now, I can trust the happiness that I feel. I can trust that this relationship would be one where I would grow as a person. I honestly didn't know who I was when I was still with the other guys. And I think that being in love with myself now more than in the past made me a better person to be with. Sure, I can still be very hard to deal with at times, but now, I can have the best of the old me and the present me. Meshing them together is going to make me crazy to deal with for a while but once the dust settles, I would be an awesome girlfriend.

I learned that we can't be stressed at the same time. That we need to disinengage when something like that happens. I can't make him learn to be less sensitive, but I know that he is smart enough to realize that he is very moody. He needs to take that under control and I can only help as much as not comparing him to other people and aggravating him. He learned to use his anger to do good things like jogging though. I am happy with that improvement.

I like to think that I can influence people to do things. I hope that I can influence Ico to do good things. And I hope that I don't turn him into something he doesn't want to become. I have corrupted many people in my past. I don't want to do the same now.

I know that there would be a lot of things that we would have to deal with, but I think as of press time, Ico is worth the effort.

In case you are into bums, which I am not, you might want to read this. 

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