Quarter Life Sucker Punch

I have a reason why I don't like to meet the parents that would sound really really really mean. I tend to be liked by parents. Well, for the most part I am good on paper. From the province, studied in good schools, have a great family background, etc. I may not be pretty but I tend to bring out the best in the men that I love or date.

But the problem is that I know how it is when things don't work out. I never break up with boyfriends. It's either they leave me or they just plain leave the country. So it's hard to wonder what I do with the closeness I have with the parent. It was hard for me when I had to stop texting L's mom. She was super nice to me. And she was hoping I could make a man out of her son. But I know that things wouldn't have been okay had we stayed together. I love him the way that he is and he needed to be true to what he wanted to do in his life.

Ico is close to his parents. In a dependent kinda of way. They are very very co-dependent in their family. But I think that Ico is dependent on them in the wrong ways. He doesn't share his mind with them and opens his heart to what is behind the being strict and worries. I didn't either when I was in my early twenties. I just thought my mom was being her old anal self trying to press me into the virginal little girl they had thought would be the right personality for me to have.

His dad is saying that he is changing and doing much better for himself. But I am worried that he is doing this for me. Yes, I know that sounds both mean and extremely arrogant. But I know the effort that I am exerting to encourage him can become the very reason he can fall really really hard.

I have seen it happen. When a man gets used to the idea that someone would be there for him even if his own family doesn't think he can be anything more than the trash that they say he is, that person becomes the center of their universe. All happiness hails from that person. So they adjust or change their ways to become the man that person wants them to be. They sometimes ignore their friends and their better judgement and end up becoming a very boring shell of their old self. If they were truly wild and adventurous this would make them a normal guy who can have fun and work without loosing sight of what matters. But if he was just a normal guy to begin with, he becomes a boring, excitable and scared wuss. His ego is gone completely that the next girl who might get a chance to catch his fancy would see him not for the awesome person that he is but as a project to fixed or someone who is not worth their time.

Ico is not a project. I am the project. I want to be able to slowly show my love and not drown anybody in the process.

I don't want him to think that the things that I am introducing him, my suggestions and opinion about certain things are geared towards making him like my exes.

If I wanted him to be just like them, then I would just date them, right? Am I really really don't wanna!

I hope that he realizes and thinks that his self-improvement is not for me. The same way my self-improvement is not for him. They are for me, so I can have more to offer other people especially him. So that I can be happier even if I am on my own. So I can support myself and probably my family.

My mom told me to choose who I want to support, my sister or my grandfather. I wanted to tell her, one, he is not my father and two I never asked for a little sister. I wanted to tell her that she should've never had another kid to support. She would be saving all of her money for retirement if she hadn't. That I couldn't even support myself, how can she expect me to support anyone.

But what I said was that I really want to be able to give her money and she can do whatever she wants with it. But I need to pay my debt to her first so I want her to force me to do it. I told her that I would try to cut down on my spending when in fact that is what I am doing. But my pay is peanuts compared to what it used to be. And it's my fault that I never saved money during that time. All I got to show for my stint in E-lamp is my broken down laptop, my full HD and body fat from all the eating. I told her that if I ended up not having a family and my brothers ended up not having families then we would support them. I know for sure that my brothers would take their time before they'd get married. My younger brother GM has yet to post any couple pictures. And Alvin is too busy with his studies and career to start getting tied down. And I really don't think getting knocked up is in the stars for me. So I know that I wouldn't be the first.

Things at work at not that cool. I was right about this competition thing causing more problems that it's supposed to. Sure I am happy that Amber was restored to us but I hate that it caused politics, rumors and conflicts. It sucks. Competitions cause negative things. It doesn't help anyone to pit them against each other.

Anyway, things are going to be different from now on. I really want to try to follow my mom's advice to quit smoking. Since Ico has asthma, then we should work together not to smoke. Even Hot Mamah bought an e-cig so that means most of use really want to quit. My cough is reminding me that my lungs are not as strong as I hope it is. So unless I want to get lung cancer, I should just stop. No excuses.

Baby steps.

I will buy a new coin bank later.
I will talk to Ico about doing a "couple quit" thing regarding the smoking bit.

Either way, I am watching Sucker Punch later with him after we eat with my teammates who insist on doing this team celebration thing later. T_T,