Monday, April 4, 2011

Insensitive Meanie Girlfriend + Forgetful Sensitive Boyfriend = Adjustments Galore

Sometimes I can be such a bitch.
I tend to nag and say the meanest things without having to raise my voice. I know this for a fact. My friends and exes say this about me. I tend to emancipate them. It's degrading. I really don't want to be a naggy mom or a naggy wife or a boring, emotional road roller girlfriend. It's how I was in the past. And since I am trying my best to change my relationship style, I want to always give Ico a happy day. I don't want to add to the pressure or the depressing comments that people say to him.

But I can't help it sometimes. There are just so much to learn. I wondered what the hell he went through with his exes that he didn't learn all of these stuff. What the hell were they doing the whole time, staring at each other?

I think it's the responsibility of a couple to learn new things TOGETHER. Sharing this learning shapes the life of the two people who are planning to share a life together. I can't be the only one teaching him things. I think patience and tact are the things that he is teaching me.

I am an emotional steamroller. My friends know this about me. I can't filter my meanie mode and the side comments that I have in my head. The process is spark to spit and there is no firewall for it. Blurter, that I am.

But I can't be crass when it comes to him. I don't want to damage him any further. It's not my job to fix him either unlike what other people are insinuating. For one thing, the things he needs to fix or adjust are things only he can help himself with. I can't make him any thinner or bigger than he already is. He needs to work on it on his own. I have no self-confidence or self-control transferring device that can give him my extra arrogance. ^.^ He needs to learn how to make his weaknesses his extra strengths. It took me so many years to figure out how to do that. And almost always that's accidental. But for god's sake, tears are for times when you are no longer able to think of a solution. It is for me a sign of giving up before you even try. I only cry when there is blood, death and no chance in hell that things would go my way.

I tried to be sweeter since that movie date. I know that I can be a freaking sandpaper person. But that makes them smoother in the end, right? But as I need to learn, change and "shiny-ness" needs to be voluntary, otherwise you are just setting yourself up for disappointment because you can't turn a piece of hardened turd into a shinny rock. It would take years for that thing to harden and even then a good clean shot with a hammer would break it easily.

He said via plurk that he felt like I was putting him on the friend zone. And he didn't remember what he said that got him out of that. It was a rare moment for me so I remember it clearly, that question that he asked right in the middle of a normal conversation that I knew he was so nervous but he still asked. And he tells me he doesn't remember. *pouts* MEN!

But I don't want him to get it from me. Things like those are important to me. I call them milestones. There is something that is unlocked with the correct passwords. My heart is like one of those books where you have to choose from two things then you can have more than one kind of ending.

I hope he doesn't use the "I am forgetful" card on me again. I am extremely forgetful but I remember the things that I believe counts.

I believe that this is one of my baggages. Do you know that my first boyfriend didn't greet me on my 18th birthday. Then even my last one didn't know when my real birthdate is. People are under the assumption that I was born a day after my real birthdate. T_T And it's not just about birthdates that tick me off. Anniversaries and also little things that I believe shouldn't be shift+delete worthy. T_T I guess this is where my illusion of grandeur started. I wanted to be unforgettable so much so that I would defy the order of the land and quite frankly my own rational mind just so the other person would be haunted by me for the rest of his life.

But that is just a myth. People forget people who don't matter to them. I know that I remember my memories with them in it. But I purge memories too. But not as easily as others assume I can or do themselves.

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