Saturday, October 9, 2010

My best friend's wedding

Today, I was supposed to have long hair.
I grew my hair for tomorrow specifically. I made a promise after all.
It was just an accident that my cousin got married and I got my first bride's maid's dress.
Tomorrow was really supposed to be the day my friend was going to have her dream.

But now, everyone can't wish the day away soon enough.
I pictured that day would be one where I was there, Mark in hand, looking at my friend and how happy she was.
I imagined H would be darting daggers at one of the men there who would probably be her ex. And we would be there trying to find Hot Mamah a boyfriend.

I hadn't expected that I would be doing comics balloons and washing my clothes that day. I didn't realize it then but an IDOL was going to have his concert on that day instead.

It wasn't meant to be my bestfriend's wedding day.

There would be no multi-colored entourage.
There would be no maid of honor dress that I should fit into.
There would be no flowers, no friends reuniting after months of not seeing each other.

There would be none of that tomorrow.

There would be no regrets either.

I would not have my bestfriend repeat the mistake my other bestfriend made.
To marry a man who would have made her miserable. Who would have made her children ashamed.
We all wanted her to be happy and if being with him made her happy then, so we let them be happy. But I have seen how love can become a rotten burden and a weapon that can destroy lives and break hearts.

Now I am glad I am doing my laundry tomorrow.

I know she would probably hate me for blogging about this. But I wanted to remember this day. The day before her almost wedding to a jerk who ruined her trust in so many things that we both believed was something she deserved.

That man made my friend, the girl who made me watch wedding movies and is the first thing I think about when I see wedding magazines, HATE the idea of marriage.

At least that is what I am afraid would happen after this.

I hate the idea of monogamy. For me, as a writer, I know that is sheer fantasy. My parents are an exception but I am sure my dad has looked at smut at least once in their married life.

I don't believe people can be married to someone and not cheat on them. But I am not a cynic. No, Mark cured me of that. I cured myself of that. I know that if I fall in love again, I would love that guy so much he would drown if he doesn't know how to swim.

I know now more than anything that love is real. But you have to REALLY REALLY REALLY work on it. Because if you don't, you will end up alone with responsibilities that make you want to escape reality.

I told my friend that having plans for the future that are mind-numbingly huge isn't something that I do. I plan for small things. I try to make sure the plans are as general as they can be. Because life isn't something that comes with a manual. But you can try a first draft and throw it away in an instant as soon as a new more exciting angle comes to mind.

I still think love and life is an adventure. And you can't just have one person riding next to you all the time. But there are always those who are keeping you company in your heart.

The lessons are there like scars that never go away. When you are naked, you can touch them and remember what each one meant. For the most part we just know they are under the clothes that we wear. Silent reminders of how dumb or how brave we were once upon a time.

The road weren't mapped out before. The horizon was the only destination. If you hit the edge then you turn back in a new direction. There would be new things, scary thoughts of being lost and not having an actual destination.

I know she can make it. She just needs to turn around and walk away from things that she knows would just be a wall she is going to push against and waste her time trying to scale. I have been there before, I dug, I smashed, and I climbed. But nothing came of it.

I am glad I have my wounds tended by time. I am stronger now. I have more faith now. I have more love to give now. And I have the firm conviction that if a man is brave enough to be with me and love me for who I am then I should be able to trust him with my life and my heart.

He'll come. He might already be here and I am just too busy doing random things that I forgot to look past my keyboard and look up to notice him. To that stranger, don't worry I'd pick you out of the crowd soon enough.

No comments:

Post a Comment

What do you think?