Wednesday, October 13, 2010

What's that noise?

There is a lot about me that NO ONE in their right mind would want in their girlfriend.

For the superficial part, I am not pretty. Not in a demure sweet long-haired Pinay way that men of this country find so enticing. I cut my hair short and it was both for convenience and for the main and oh so selfish reason that I feel sexier with short hair.

Then there is the thing about me being tall. Some of the guys that I like are either shorter than me or as tall as me. Because of years of liking military training, I realized that I like to straighten my back more when I walk. Having boobs is not something I particulary like, but I am sure that they would nourish someone someday so I have decided to keep them. ^_^ But because of this habit of mine of keeping my back straight when I walk, I appear taller than I already am. I have let go of the notion of heels since I am afraid of heights and they hurt like a moderfkr. And that is something that men also don't like about women like me. S'much as I like how they look, when I put them on, I have this eerie feeling that I would never feel or see my toes happy again. So I avoid them.

My legs are chicken legs that turned into softball player legs. They look like soccer player legs only less likely to cause someone to break a bone if I kick them with it. Still they are not feminine at all. Furthermore, by some freak accident, my little sister was sister had this skin condition that lay dormant in the family. When she was old enough to get it, all the other kids started showing signs of it. So my otherwise unscared legs and feet are now tainted. The last man to see them white and long was Mark. But I plan to make them more attractive in the near future so as to prepare for my second and last great love. ^_^

Then there is my mouth. I can do wonders with it. But I can also rip you a new arsehole with it. I am to say it planly, a brutally frank person. I have once tried to prevent curses from coming out of my mouth. I usually do that when I am in Batangas (cursing is not allowed in our home, raised voices yes, curses no) And I felt like I had one of those things they put on rabid dogs. So when I talk to that man now, having changed the status of our relationship from lovers to testy friends, I have unleashed the real me on him. And boy, does he hate the tongue that is on this once pleasurable and docile lover. I am, more than anyone, very happy that I now can curse and rant at him without feeling the least bit guilty that his ears are bleeding. Men do not like loud women. And ask my friends, I think I still owe them earplugs.

I can't cook. I can fry. I can boil things. I can cut things. I can peel. But I don't know how to cook sinigang na baboy. I can't even make a decent salad. But I love to eat, judging from my post-lover weight. I do love to eat. ^_^ Food is love.

What else? I came from schools that taught me to be proud of learning new things. I came from teachers who told me to never stop learning, to never stop leaving your mark on other people. Mine might have been more like bruises, but they're there. And they won't be going anywhere. They'll remember that I hit 'em, bit them, scratched them or brew blood. The scars would remind them of the pain and the pleasure of knowing me, of having me in their lives. There are just people like that. We are not famous but you know who we are. And once you get to know a girl like me, like any of my friends, we stick. We would be there in the last flashes of your life. I am sure of it.

Oh, and there is that severe sense of what is mine should JUST be mine. This is something that I thought I gave up once. I thought I could share. But I can't. I really can't. There are men who can love two women at the same time. There are women who can deceive two men that she is both for them and in love with them. One thing I know about myself for sure, I don't fall in love easily. It takes me a long time to fall in love. People keep asking me if I believe in destiny, in fate or in love at first sight. I don't. I think love is something that grows. Sparks is just our evolved need to mate. But I have been in love before. I wanted him to be all mine. I would have pushed him so far off his own ability to love had I not been raised as well as I have been by my parents. You see, my mother is my father's and my father is my mother's. There would never be any DOUBT that those two belong to each other. They say you can't own people. But you see, people can give themselves to each other. And that person who claims them, and never lets them go...that person is the luckiest and unluckiest in the planet. They have to give up everybody else to just have that one person. I am now very much willing to give everybody up. Before I chose my parents. I chose myself. I chose socially acceptable love. I'm not saying I won't do it again, but I will give everybody up for you. Yes, you. The one who can accept all those listed above. Because you know what, there is something I forgot to mention.

I never stop loving people that I have loved. If you can learn to accept that, then you will be the keeper of my heart.
If you can dish out the truth, EVEN IF YOU THINK IT WOULD CUT ME,
If you can hold me through thunderstorms, earthquakes and death of a loved one,
If you can be the kind of father mine was, reliable, funny and an honest and loving husband,
If you are a man who cares for family, for friends but never forces them to be anything else than who they are and supporting them in whatever is good for them,
If you can look at a house and recognize that it is a place where you would want to weather storms, sit and read, hold and love, cherish and remember,
Then YOU are exactly what I am looking for.
Because you know what, there is a space in my heart. It's not empty, but there's space. I pushed others in the archives of my heart, there where the blood that doesn't have oxygen go. On the other side, there is a place for you, next to my father, my family and my dearest soulmates of friends. You don't have to push anyone away, there is already a seat for you at my table. You just need to have the appitite to eat through the layers of time and routine to find me waiting here, impatiently of course, because that is who I am.

That girl, who became a woman who is impatiently waiting for love. ^_^ Can you hear that tapping, that's my feet.

Follow the tapping.


  1. hanep, talagang pranka ka. very well said :).

    i can still hear the


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