Wisdom and Folly of Talking to an Ex

My college bestfriend and roommate warned me against doing it. Another college bestfriend said that it's okay as long as you don't feel giddy. So that settles it. It's not a bad thing to talk to my exes. It does make them uncomfortable sometimes that I seemingly forgot the pain or bitterness that they might have put me through. One of them continues to carry it like shackles. I don't take it personally since he carries a lot of weight around that doesn't have anything to do with little ol' me. So I figured it's just his personality and mine lightly clashing when it comes to the idea of letting go. Because in my case, over the years, I have learned that you can let people go. But you don't necessarily have to strip yourself of the happiness or the happy memories that they brought into your life.
Isn't that were most couples and exes end up ruining everything? They believe or feel that if they still think of the other person fondly, that means they are not over their romantic love for those people. I am believer that love is never gone, it's like an energy that is dispersed and changes form or kind. I learned in SciMath club that energy is like that. So since Love for me is an energy that can do so many good and bad things, it can also be dispersed but never really undone.
I talked to Mark this morning and the day before that. There were things that I asked him that he couldn't answer very well. We are not on the same page after all. Somehow he is still in the last few pages of the chapter that had me and him in it. He keeps it thumbmarked and he goes back there frequently even as the pages of the rest of our lives are being written. In my case, I just try to remember what is in my head. I don't go back to read everything. It's called selective amnesia, I think. ^^ I don't remember the times that I cried or was depressed over everything. I remember the lessons that I learned and that the most important contribution that Mark had in my life is to merge my hopeless romantic self with my rational self. I was a cynic despite being a former hopeless romantic. I thought that if a person chased after the idea or the ideal guy then she is doomed to ignore all other worthy lovers. So I tried to be an altruist. But now, like I told him, I find myself the  right amount of ready and practical. I am ready to love and ready to do what must be done to keep a love strong.
I asked him if I would've made a good wife had his circumstances been different. He said yes. I knew he would say yes. I was afraid of those answers before but I knew he meant it. Of course he said that it was mainly because he would probably gonna do every household chore since I suck at doing them. I literally laughed out loud at that one. It was probably true. I told him that I would have made him a really bad wife since that time I was really immature (still kinda am) and I didn't know how to love people correctly. Yes, I am honestly saying that, even after all I put myself through, I am convinced that although I loved all my exes very much, I didn't really love them the way I wanted to truly love them.
So that is why for my next beloved, I would have to learn how to do household chores well and hopefully cook something that wouldn't poison him and my future spawn. That is if I would be able to reproduce at all.
We talked about how I should follow what my mom said and my fears that if I work in Batangas, inevitably, I would see a parade of men who my relatives think is good enough for me to marry. I told him about it and his old self kind of came up. He still feels a bit defensive when I talk about the future that I would have with someone else. I don't assume that he still loves me the way that he did but I think that he clings to those memories because for him he was really happy during those times. So much so that he basically elevated those memories to something that seemed to have happened inside a dream. I don't really know and I don't want to poke the dragon all that much. I can say as much as me wanting to find a guy just like him minus the drama and he says there is only one like him.
I believe myself to have a type in men. It's just that my type of men almost always turn out to be liars. So I want the guys I met before their good points and some tolerable bad points to merge with honesty and offer me that man as an able-bodied member of society. Cooking and fighting skills sold separately. ^^
I really don't want to be the kind of woman who only talks to my exes when they are already paired up with someone or they are already dying. I want to forgive them way sooner than that. I want to share my life with them without having to explain to anyone why I feel justified to be friends with them. Because these people, regardless of what they did in the end of it, made me feel human love. They were those, who saw me without any mask. Even my friends see me wearing a mask all the time. I was stripped of all that when I was with them. Although I will never trust them with my heart again (yes, I am unforgiving in that sense) I know that I can trust them with secrets and even to tell me when I am making an ass of myself. They knew a different me from who I want to be or who I am now so I know that they can tell the difference. And because they were lovers in the past, then can tell me what I did do right or wrong when I was still loving them. That is something not even my closest friends can come close to being experts on.
I will always love the people that I loved before. But as a student of Love without being with that person, I have graduated from thinking that the impossible can be done through love. Love is an energy and it has many limitations. The vessel from which love comes from or stays is also limited and frail. So I can't play with this energy and my vessel of energy but trying every frequency or wave. I need to open it and wait for the right voltage to hit me once again.
Like Mark said, like all my friends and well-meaning strangers said, "it will happen if it's meant to happen". I am still young. (and even if I wasn't) I should just focus on making a better me then he would come along and figure something that the others didn't. That I am a keeper.