Tired of Being Little Miss Sunshine

I noticed this about some of the guys that I have dated. They seem to constantly walk around with a personal dark cloud that rains on their parade all the time.

*cue "Don't Rain on My Parade" of Glee here*

JL was carrying his own baggage. I understand those very well. I couldn't work it out with him because we wanted different things.

Mark as a super emo guy. I had a hard time making him laugh. It was a struggle to make his sense of humor come out. I was exhausted all the time in making him laugh. It was like I had to drag every smile out of him.

Ico, as we all know by now, is a recovering emo too. I want to whip the emo out of him. But I can't I tried that with other people and it never works out.

I can't change people. They can't change. That is the basic principle. People who say that they have changed are big fat liars. We can adjust our energies and point our flaws towards a target that could actually make them strengths rather than weaknesses. For example. I never shut up. So I worked as a teacher. Being able to be witty and chatty makes me good at my job. Otherwise, I would irritate co-workers. This is why I don't like office work. People would shush me constantly and I might just cheerfully murder them if they do that on an off day.

I am also very moody. Although I love my friends, they know this about me. There are days when I am as patient as a Buddhist monk and days when I don't tolerate even the simple dumb sentence. I guess it's scary for guys to have a girlfriend who seems to have a multiple personality. But the rewards are addictive, so is my love. ^.~

I need to master the art of give and take, of not having the same tantrum at the same time. I know that I need to be more mature. *so.freaking.hard* I know that I am like a child half of the time. And I want my boyfriend to be a go-getter. But I can't make him do something that he doesn't want to. I am not that kind of girlfriend. I don't like forcing things down people's throats. I tried doing that with my love for them and they puked it out. It took a while to wash off all the shit they puked out. Not going to clean up after a man and I will not be his GPS device. I want him to be a good son. I know that this is step one in being a good man.

NOTE TO ALL MEN: If your girlfriend is the one you ask permission to when you go out with your friends, you are an asshole of a son. Who do you think pushed you out of her vagina? *Don't you dare make an innuendo of pushing something into your girl's vajayjay or I will bite you in the neck and chew off a major artery.*

I know I was a bit of a headache for my mom when I was still studying. I want to make it up to all the moms in the world. I learned a lot of things the hard way. I want Ico to have a good relationship with his mom. Because I have a good relationship with mine. I know that there is a smaller chance of him being an asshole husband who cheats and whines because his dad is a good role model.

But sometimes, I just want to be the one who is being cheered on. *He does this actually without him knowing about it.* I want someone to take care of me and not the other way around. I want to pout and not feel like I am doing something that beneath my personality or age.

Even when I was with guys who were older than me, I had to lead the relationship. I think it's my personality. This is why I don't really care if they can't handle it. I always thought that if a guy wasn't going to be able to handle me, he has no right hanging out with me.

I still believe that unfortunately. But this time I am not going to make excuses for my boyfriend. He can be what he is and still achieve his personal dreams and goals. I have personal dreams and goals and if he gets in the way of that, I can survive without sex and relationships.

I need a love that makes me want to be better than I am. I don't need a prince or an illusion. I need a man who would support me and can support himself at the same time. And I mean this, emotionally, financially and physically.

I can't be little miss sunshine all the time. It's fucking exhausting. I have shit I have to deal with and I am not asking anyone to fix my problems for me. Just to not burden me with theirs as well.

I have no cloud that follows me around. I have sunbeams shooting out of my eyes and rainbows coming out of my ass. Deal with it.