Monday, December 19, 2011

Again with the Zsa Zsa Zsu

zsa zsa zsu
Comes from "Sex and the City", where Carrie describes it as the feeling you get when you meet someone you really really like. That sort of lovey, butterflies feeling when you just want to be with someone.
Carrie: I met this new guy Berger, and I just get that zsa zsa zsu.

I believe that there are people who are meant to make us feel zsa zsa zu. In Filipino, I think it loosely translates to kilig. Kinikilig is actually giddy in English. (according to my friend who is like my goddess of words, it's frisson) * I think * But if you are a SATC fan I don't have to explain what zsa zsa zsu is. After Mark I thought that it was a dangerous thing to feel, that zsa zsa zsu. It blinded me for a long time. I think that zsa zsa zsu might just be my kryptonite, as it is for many women. So there was the four years of no zsa zsa zsu. It felt emptier than the years that I had my downward spiral. I think at my age, I am critical towards kilig and I am not that sure if I could ever feel it again. Until that one person who sat next to me to watch me work. I am a lot of things when I work, but I never feel the kind of crush rush that I felt that time. At least not in my twenties. It was obvious and quite embarrassing. I acted on it, being the go-getter that I am. But I was thwarted by my own handwriting and boyishness. It was awkward after that but it passed, this crush rush and I decided that it was a sign that I was really ready to love again. So when the opportunity presentend itself, I got myself a boyfriend who was not similar to any of the men I dated in the past. But I assumed wrong. That I could fall in love while in a relationship. There was no zsa zsa zsu. I cared about him a lot. But I couldn't love him more than I was capable of loving men in my past. That was just one of the reasons why I ended our relationship and I hope in time he would be able to find someone who can love him as he deserves to be loved. We would have celebrated our 300th day in December if I hadn't broken up with him. But I guess some things are not meant to be.

So, unto the night of the ball. ^.^ Kidding, it was more like our year-end party. I knew time was running out for me to see my friends at work and to enjoy being in their company. I hated that the camera that I brought has a limited battery life and that it didn't recharge correctly. But there were some pictures that made it unto other people's cameras and I would sort through them soon. Conversations that I would fondly remember and hopefully new friends that I made would make that evening a memorable event. And I won't even lie that sitting knee to knee isn't something that still makes me smile. I talked like my old self, the spunky spontaneous one that I was in my early twenties and I realized that she was still there. Though it took Red Horse to pry her out of my newly formed good girl shell. I made sure not to keep my hands on his arms. Arms that I am sure were wrought by playing sports. I teased him for liking the show that someone put on. I beat down the silent fury and made sure my eyebrow didn't go up whenever they teased him to her. In fact, I joined in on the teasing. Because it's just a crush. If he was anything else there would be squinted eyes and snarls. I didn't care, I knew I could do that if I wanted to so there was no reason to feel insecure.

I realized that zsa zsa zsu knows no age. And I am glad. If he can make me feel kilig then surely someone worthy of my love in the future would be able to make me feel that too. I just need to listen to my gut now more than ever. I will not let too much or too little shake my focus. Next year is not meant for love. Though my horoscopes keep saying otherwise. I need to find a new job and a new man might just be a casualty in the process.

But I would always smile thinking he likes Chobits and poetry and know that startling shot of energy that goes down my back when I see his eyes through his shades. At least I know I am not turning into a lesbian any time soon. It's just too bad that I really don't date guys from work.

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