Sunday, September 26, 2010

archive Aug 20, 2010

Sleepy in Spicus

I made a mistake but it was necessary for me to be able to appreciate this day more. I was in a half-asleep daze the whole day but I managed to get to work early, get my training allowance, helped Jesi pass her test call, eat Hannah's cooking, and rejoiced in the fact that I am in TL Aimee's team. ^_^ I also got a text from GoFluent asking if I was interested. Initially I was, it pays well after all and it's a complement to be asked to come in for tests. Nevertheless, I know it's too hard for me. As much as the pay would be an excellent thing to have (that would mean I can keep my room all to myself) but the time is not ideal. I will come in for tests and see what happens. I don't think I would get in but an experience is an experience. Right?

There were boo-boos of course, no Natasha day is complete without several of those. I was half-asleep the whole day so I barely managed to talk to anyone or let news sink in. I pulled so many white hairs from my broom-like head of hair that I contemplated getting it all chopped off. But bless my lazy ass self, I didn't have enough energy to sit through something like that. So I skipped it.
I broke my slipper T_T, and need to buy a new one for tomorrow. I will be at the MetroCon for Yo, Bo! Komiks so I need to work on getting ample apparel for the 10am-9pm ordeal. I hope people actually like our work but won't be too harsh in judging it. It was after all borne out of sheer need to resurrect our interest in our jobs.

I read a rather disturbing reply to a quote that I wrote on my Pinaywriter wall. It was this one :

I said:
Kahit anong gawin mong pag-papa-alala mo sa akin ng nangyari sa nakaraan, ang puso ko ay nakatanaw na sa kinabukasan.

He commented:
hindi komo sinasabi ko sayo ang nakaraan ay may mabuo uli.masarap lang balikan ang mga nakaraan.masaya lang ako at naging parte ako ng buhay mo at minahal mo ako noon.

To appease the situation I just said:
^ T_T, uhmmm...quotes ito para sa mga libro na susulatin ko lines na sasabihin ng mga characters. ^_^ Relax lang manong, parang galit ka. Hindi para sa iyo yan. ^_^ ehehehhe

There were others that he commented on and it was fine. This was the first one I read and I was a little startled by his reaction. We had a bit of a roller-coaster ride last time we talked. I want us to be friends. I want to love again and I am ready for it. I don't want to hurt anyone when I do fall in love again, not my friends, not the person I would love. No one can be M or what he was to me. But I would be unfair to my future beloved if he didn't understand the very notion of how I am towards my male friends.

I stand firm to my beliefs that friends are more important than lovers. Because they are the ones who are there when my heart breaks into a million pieces. I know I sound arrogant when I say this, but to be asked to be my friend is a privilege not a lot of people are given. I often just stumble upon soul mates. I never asked them to be a part of my life. They just are and I can't live without them. I would be lacking without them. My future beloved needs to understand that although I would always be by his side,it is not something he should take as me ignoring my friends. Because it springs from my need to have him in solitude for a while until I am ready to share him to the world. I don't forget my friends when I am in love, at least I won't when my next beloved comes around. Note to friends: Feel free to kick my arse if I do. ^_^

I am awake now but I need to sleep. I was supposed to clean my room but I am too tired to move. T_T I guess I need to learn how to not live like this. I need to learn how to clean up my act. Thanks M for the lessons. I love my friends for the outburst of "replies" on Plurk. ^_^ Rest assured that he is not playing with my mind and I won't do the same to him...anymore. I will be a good girl now. I will prepare for the arrival of my last great love. For now, I will EAT correctly, PRAY for great things to come, and LOVE myself and my friends more. ^_^
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    Wanted : A man of my very own

    My Daughter's Letter to the man she would marry
    Makis's take on it

    I believe in the cards.
    Someday I will find a love like what we had before, at least the core of that love.
    I would find someone's jealousy cute and that someone would learn to trust me.
    I would learn how to cook for him and he would complement my awful cooking.
    He would encourage me to be neater and not tell me to pick up after him or myself.
    He would hold me when I am stressed and he would learn things with me in bed that he would blush to admit in public.
    He would let me laugh out loud in the middle of the street. He would shut me up with passionate kisses.
    He would rub my legs when I get my weird out of the blue cramps and tell me that although giving birth would be painful, he would make sure that it would be worth all the pain because he would cause me not one iota of pain for the rest of our lives.
    He would cover my ears when there are windy thunderstorms and calm me down when there are earthquakes.
    He would tell me that I am smart and it wouldn't sound like an insult.
    He would love my school whether or not he's from there.
    He would wear let me write in peace.
    He would watch me when I sleep and tell me that he loves me more than six times everyday.
    He would be mushy in private and sweet in public.
    He would be the one with a sense of humor that understands corny jokes and LOLs on silly things. 
    He would be serious when it's necessary and be a joker when the mood needs to be light. 
    He would love to read books and discuss movies with me as well as let me listen to any kind of music that I would want to listen to. 
    He would love to look at artwork one day and enjoy baseball games the next. 
    He would run with me, jog with me and take slow sweet walks at the park with me.
    He would walk ahead when there is danger ahead and stay behind to catch me in case I fall. 

    And I would love him not in a Love is Blind kinda of way. But in an enlightened "This is it! This is really is it!" way.


    Dear You,

    I will admit that sometimes I really do wonder if you exist.

    There is a part of every little girl’s heart that envisions her prince charming. At age three, it is usually of a man who can save her from the wrath of an evil stepmother, wake her from eternal slumber or give her that true love’s kiss.

    In elementary school, he becomes the boy with the least cooties, the one who’s willing to cross the playground to share his Oreos even if it makes him a target for the week of all the other boys.

    Come high school, it’s that boy you stand with at prom, who your father stared down at the door, who provided you with an experience complete with photos you will cringe at a decade later, a corsage that yellows in the refrigerator, and a faded memory of a night that seemed almost too magical to be real.

    Nineteen years into this life, however, and still unwilling to give my heart away, I am still that same little girl who hopes for her prince charming. And although I wonder why it has taken you this long to sweep me off my feet and whisk me off to your palace on horseback, I know that it is probably because meeting you will be better than any fairytale I could’ve read as a kid.

    A couple of heartbreaks and a few years wiser though, I will admit that there are times when I question your existence. Because I have yet to meet the guy who makes me hear songs like “All My Life” or “A Whole New World” in my head when I see him does not mean I don’t hope that it’ll ever happen.

    I may already know you or may still meet you someday—something I leave completely up to God because I’m pretty sure our story will be epic.

    However, I can’t promise you that I’d make the world’s most perfect princess. In fact I’ll probably keep you on your toes and amuse you with my eccentricities—there are a lot of them. I’ll probably steal a bunch of your T-shirts and turn them into shirt dresses, or drive you slightly mad with my obsessive compulsivity and my need to fix your collar constantly.

    I can promise to be your best friend however—that person you can rant to after a rough day, the hand you can hold when you get sad, or the person you can text when situations get awkward.

    I’ll probably mess up your hair sometimes and hug you for too long, but that’ll only be because I absolutely adore you. I’ll bury my head in your shoulder during scary movies and make you feel like superman when you kill those flying cockroaches that really shouldn’t exist. I’ll cook your favorite food on your birthday and try my best to make friends with your mom.

    I’ll respect your nights-out with the boys and make you seem like the perfect guy to my barkada. I’ll watch basketball or soccer games with you, and not complain when you cheer too loudly at the TV set.

    I’ll know the difference between giving you space and being constantly there for you—even if it means sitting and playing video games with you or taking hot chocolate runs when it rains.

    I’ll listen to your music and we’ll go on epic adventures together—seeing the world, taking awesome pictures, eating awesome food, and never running out of things to tell each other along the way.

    I won’t be waiting for you to sweep me off my feet and take me on a magic carpet ride, because I know I won’t need anything like that to fall for you—I will love you for you.

    You will be that someone to make goofy faces with in pictures, to lace fingers with when I’m lonely, and to take long walks under the stars with on the beach.

    You’ll be the guy who takes me the way I am—and will laugh as I burst into Disney song or pick out pink wallpaper.

    You’ll be that someone I envision a future with—us filling out visa forms as we travel the universe, picking out our first dog together and arguing about what to name it, or being snap-happy stage parents in our preschooler’s annual mini-plays. And I keep hoping that maybe someday when we find each other, you will become that someone whose smile I wake up to in the morning and the last one I speak to every night.

    So to the man I know does exist, and who will help me maybe make sense of the world someday, this man I can’t wait to love. Please know that I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you. But for now, I wait. Fingers crossed and palms held together, I hope that you’re out there somewhere, waiting for me, too.

    With the hope I will be yours for always,



    Comment of a reader:

    Dear You,

    I am delighted to finally hear from you! Your sentiments warm my heart and your hopefulness spurs in me a renewed vigilance for our fateful meeting. That day will surely be magical. But maybe we did not receive the same memo?

    While I am pleased to see that you've been studious at watching your Romantic Comedies, your letter baffles me. You see, I embrace your eccentricities. It's cute and will give you personality for the first month of our relationship (or first half of the movie). I will get used to having my collar fixed and my T-shirts stolen. But surely you expect more than this from me, your prince charming! After all, I am ready to listen to your opinions and to share in your passions. (I'm not talking about likes and dislikes teenagers talk about.) Which issues do you find compelling? Do you agree with Aristotle when he said some men are more fit to rule over others, and the naturalness of slavery? Are you fascinated by design, art, music, philosophy, poetry, business, engineering or economics? I want to know what drives you.

    Taking long walks on the beach under the stars is okay. Going on chocolate runs during rainy days is okay. They make for nice 4 minute scenes which establish how charming, sweet and blissful our life is, especially with "All My Life" playing in the background. What actually excites me though is organizing a beach cleanup with you because you worry about the environment or opening our own hot chocolate cafe because you are a passionate chocolatier/barrista dedicated to making the perfect blend! Giving space is good! but it's not just for me, it's for both of us. More than playing video games or watching TV, I will develop my body and my mind, keeping fit, learning new things and deepening my appreciation of other people and of life. I will accept you but I expect you to grow, evolve and to have your own sense of purpose.

    More importantly, I regret to inform you that we will not be able to go on epic adventures around the world. Our pre-schooler's school, the one with mini-plays where he acts as a talking pumpkin or little drummer boy, isn't cheap. Our first dog, which I insist on naming Sparky, has veterinarian bills that need to be paid. So maybe after thirty years, after our son and our daughter,have both gone to college and taken their international MBAs or MFAs and I can quit my job, after Sparky the dog has been replaced by Sparky the turtle, after we've set aside money for our retirement, after we've moved to Canada for the excellent health-care coverage, if you're still up for it, then we can travel the world. Having said this, waking up to my smile might be problematic. I make it a point to sleep early so I can wake up early, clean the house and cook a healthy breakfast for the kids before bringing them to school and heading off to work. My barkada is responsible and they understand how demanding life can be so there's no need to worry about barkada nights either.

    It sounds like a lot of work doesn't it? And not the kind of conflict you can resolve in a two hour movie. Of course, as Prince Charming, I could just leech off my father's fortune. We wouldn't have to squander our youth building our careers and saving for our children's education. But is that really the kind of man you want me to be? Spending his father's hard earned money? I would rather earn it and prove my worth to you. I assure you our life will have moments of romance and comedy, but more than anything, it will be characterized by commitment, discipline, discernment and maturity.

    Lastly, I want you to know that I do exist. But I am not waiting for you. I want to find you but right now, I am still finding myself. After my journey of self-mastery I will find you. I urge you to make sense of the world on your own for now so that we can swap stories afterwards, learn from each other and teach our children that life is much much bigger than a montage of kilig moments in your latest romantic comedy.

    Love always,
    Your Prince Charming.

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      Listening to the sound of my voice

      I am listening to my recording now. It was for a mock call. It's kinda weird. I sound odd. Now I know why some people say that I kinda sound like I am trying to seduce them. ^_^

      I know I love to talk. I am just happy that my voice doesn't get on people's nerves. You know those voices...the kind that makes you want to stuff their mouth with a rag. ^_^

      I also realized that Arnold S's name is soooooo hard to say. I avoided saying his surname in the class so that I won't get any problems. ^_^

      I need to stop saying OK and SO. T_T, And uhrahyt is not ok for all right.

      I hope things would work out on Monday.

      I got kudos. Best mock call for that day. Yey!~


      Yesterday afternoon, I caught M online. His internet was intermittent. When I got home I was able to chat with him and I had fun doing that. He reminisced while I kept pushing for him to talk about the present. I tried to ask him what he is worried about with his life. In my opinion, he has nothing to complain about. Sure he is underpaid at work, and he feels like a piece of meat because of the women who are after him, but he has already paid for a land (my parent's dream for me) and he is paying for another one. His parents are getting along fine. He has a chance to fix his own family situation. But he keeps insisting that he is still confused. I know he feels guilty about the guy he maimed and that he wants something more from his life. But I feel that compared to the life that he had before, even the one that had me in it, this is way better. Because he has options to put everything together.

      I know that he is a very private person. But I also know he is a very nosy person. I forgot how he used to read my journals and get mopey about something that I wrote there. While we were talking, he commented about something that I ranted about him becoming just like his father. Men always become like their fathers but the difference is the choices that they make that differentiate them from their forefathers. You can be from a family of doctors and become a poet. But somehow, boys grow up to be like the men in their lives, absent or not. They get it the good attitude and unfortunately they get the flaws as well. ^_^

      I told him that I didn't think that he and his dad are bad people. I just know that men are like that. He insisted that he just had two and his dad well, I didn't want to know. I think he is surrounded by men who are not as loyal towards the women in their lives. So he is a womanizer by association. ^_^; That is the hard thing about men when they gather, the sheep is lost in a pack of wolves.


      I know this for a fact, I am a naughty naughty girl. I really need to learn how to cut on the natural flirty me and be more a nice little sister or naggy big sister. I want him to smile and laugh but I hope he doesn't hope that I would love him the way that I did before. Because I can't. He kept asking me if I really loved him before and I refused to answer. In my head I went "How can this guy ask me this question?" I knew he was trying to be sweet but I felt like I was being provoked to say that I loved him. I do. But not the way that I used to. Not the you and me against the world - not caring about my principles kinda love.

      I believe in the cards.
      Someday I will find a love like what we had before, at least the core of that love.
      I would find someone's jealousy cute and that someone would learn to trust me.
      I would learn how to cook for him and he would complement my awful cooking.
      He would encourage me to be neater and not tell me to pick up after him or myself.
      He would hold me when I am stressed and he would learn things with me in bed that he would blush to admit in public.
      He would let me laugh out loud in the middle of the street. He would shut me up with passionate kisses.
      He would rub my legs when I get my weird out of the blue cramps and tell me that although giving birth would be painful, he would make sure that it would be worth all the pain because he would cause me not one iota of pain for the rest of our lives.
      He would cover my ears when there are windy thunderstorms and calm me down when there are earthquakes.
      He would tell me that I am smart and it wouldn't sound like an insult.
      He would love my school whether or not he's from there.
      He would wear let me write in peace.
      He would watch me when I sleep and tell me that he loves me more than six times everyday.
      He would be mushy in private and sweet in public.

      And I would love him not in a Love is Blind kinda of way. But in an enlightened This is it This is really is it way.

      *sigh* Listening to Someday by Nina
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        When the Internet spits you out

        It's funny that today I chose to leave my headset at my apartment is the same day he is online but is having intermittent internet signal. It's funny how if I took these things as signs then add them to the many others in the past, there is just no way he and I are ever going to have smooth communication that is not face to face. And even with that kind of talk, we still hide things from each other even if we think we can trust each other with the truth. Because we were both afraid of being exactly who we are and demanding exactly what we wanted from each other. At least I was. I no longer am. I don't really care and I don't get frustrated that he can't get a good signal or that he can't seem to figure out how to use his dad's laptop. Because I am not entitled in my own weird brain to the need to communicate with him. Call me a hypocrite, say I am being an idiot, but I have broken the "craving" of having him in my life in ways that he hopes I still want him.

        If he can't accept true unadulterated friendship, then he can forget about it.
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          Welcome back AM Me!

          Starting Monday I will work on my old beloved shift time. *shrieks* I will be able to watch Elbipie 12! I just need to endure waking up early and staying awake during work! But I can say goodbye to my night time stress-induced pimples! I just hope things fall into place when it comes to my roommate dilemma. ^_^

          I still need to work on Thursday and Friday and add up to my training so that I would be ready for my Monday classes. ^_^

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            Sassy Mock Calls

            I hate the fact that I can be so nonchalant and follow the protocol well when it's a mock call but when it's an actual test call I seriously frack up. T_T, I need to channel my inner Spunky when I do my test call. I just hope they would give me a decent topic next time. T_T,

            But it's not like another trainee's boo-boo today. She called the actual Spicus account number. And the funny thing is that the person she was talking to actually accommodated her. T_T, ZOMG. If that happened to me I would probably laugh my head off. The scary thing is that the female Korean manager came in looking for her. I hope things are going to work out. T_T,

            We will have the results of our test call from yesterday this afternoon.

            God, help us.
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              Epic Fail

              I know some people hate that reaction. I don't really care. Because it sums up how I feel right now.
              When I did my test call, I was so stressed out that I called a minute before the actual time. When I called
              the assistant said that the Spicus manager was not available. I asked what time she would be available and June (the assistant) said that I should call after thirty minutes.
              I had to endure waiting for my test call for another thirty minutes. Then when I called again, June said to call after twenty minutes.

              While I was waiting for the time, the female Korean manager came in and told me that my test call was on 1640 Korean time. I was stressed out even more. True enough when I had my test call I was all over the place. I started off pretty well. I even got to gauge whether or not she was stressed. I asked How was work today? I gauged whether she was busy.

              I was able to get her to answer some questions that are a little personal, like whether she lived with her family. I managed to avoid any major boboos until I got around to the dialogue part. I ended up reading the name of the person in the dialogue i.e. The Pharmacis said : Blah blah blah...

              Epic Fail!!! *hits head on the wall repeatedly*

              I finished the book parts by 7:40 and I needed a 10 minute class! So I had to do major extension questions. T_T I barely managed to correct her at the end of the last part and concluded the class and said my goodbyes at the last 20 seconds.

              She asked me to say some things again because she couldn't understand it. I think that and the pharmacist part means that I would need to take another test call. If that was the case, I am still lucky. If they chuck me out now, then that's too bad. T_T, I could go to another company that showed interest in me. I hope that it wouldn't have to come to that. T_T,

              I really need to work on my time management skills and my presence of mind. I am not in my turf anymore. This is a whole new playing game. The rules are stricter. It almost feels like I am in a contact center. But then again, it would do me good to follow more rules now. And to have my actions numbered. I have been too lax and too easy-going. Time to stop being a rule bender and a rule-breaker.

              I need a hug. I really really really need a bone-crushing hug from someone warm and strong. I even asked Ruel to give me one and he gave me a virtual one. He said that he was already at work so he couldn't give me a power hug. T_T, He was outside (on the field) earlier and he could've given me a hug. Unfortunately, I got disconnected. T_T, I got stressed out a lot more. I was already starting to laugh and get less stressed out while talking to him.

              I really need to find someone to hug me when I am stressed out. The bone-crushing warm powerhug. I need someone who would cuddle me to eliminate stress. I need someone to hold me when there is a thunderstorm and tell me to not be afraid of windy storms. I need someone to to shoo away when he hovers while I am working on something. I need someone to help me move and tell me that it's okay that I don't have a roommate yet.

              For everything else, I can do it on my own.

              16:32 081710
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                Test Call Bomb

                We found out that we would have our test call just an hour ago. And I would be having mine at 4pm Korean time. And of all the wonderful topics in all of the courses available I had to get Buying Medicine at a Pharmacy!!! Good grief. That is by far, the most boring topic that I would ever talk to anyone about. T_T, To top it all, we can't use the computer. I keep thinking that my pen would bail on me. T_T,

                But this is good. This way I can find out if I would be staying here or starting over with a new company. I really can't do anything other than the AM shift. T_T,

                But I need to focus on passing the Test Call. The Spicus manager is notorious for being very difficult to please. They also don't like agent-like tones. I hope she is having a great day today. T_T, Bro, please help me!

                Aja, aja fighting!~
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                  Wanted Roomie : OCs need not apply

                  I really need to find a roommate soon. I can't afford the room on my own even if I wanted to. The space is limited, there is a common kitchen and sink on the second floor of the dorm area. There is one common bathroom on the third floor where the room is and there is another one on the second floor. It's basically a house that was turned into a dormitory. The house is not as posh or that new. But there is a eatery downstairs where you can buy your food if you don't have your own range in the common kitchen. ( I plan to get one if there is space ^_^) I am paying 4k for the room now. I nearly bankrupt myself when I paid 8k for the advance and the deposit. I had hoped that my old roommate who still lives in one of the bed space rooms would move there with me. Unfortunately, she voted against it. I inquired about extra appliances and I was told a TV would be an extra 150 and I am assuming I would have to hide my laptop so they won't make me pay for it. T_T,

                  There is a screen on the windows, I am thinking that I need to clean my room since the ceiling is not that attractive. I might hang things over it or cover it up so that it would look cooler when I look up at it. But that would come in time. I also need to clean the walls so that it won't have that old dust white look. I want to paint over the cream color of the closets but that would take some time. I need to work on cleaning the room first and move all of my things from my old apartment to this new room. Then I can start with making it cozier.

                  I plan to take a picture of it so that I can plot where I will put my things. I just think that if I had a chance to do it, this room would not look as plain as it does now.

                  Now, I just need a non-anal, only occasionally OC roommate who doesn't like to steal things, use my things without permission and smoke inside the room. Those who like to whine and order people around can ignore my plea. I don't want to try to control the urge to stab someone who lives in the same room as me. This room is to be my sanctuary. I don't want to live with someone who I would want to kick out after the first hour.

                  Oh and if you could, no baby talking. T_T,
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                    Unlearning Dependence

                    It's a lot harder to unlearn something than to learn new things. I have always thought that it was easier the other way around. Blame the lazy side of me for saying so. But when you reach the age of 25 (yes, I don't try to keep my age a secret) there are things that are so deeply engraved in your person that you can't quite get rid of them. Sure we adjust how we are when we are around other people (I do this rarely, only when they are paying me to be in that situation) and we try to censor what we say out loud. But we can't really change who we are.

                    I will always be the kind of person who never shuts up. It was either you turn deaf or you walk away at a safe distance. I will always not care about how much I earn, although I would really love it if I earned more. I would always try to choose to procrastinate than to finish something ahead of time (unless there is a grade or money that is on the line.)

                    But what I never thought I would do is choose a comic over a friend who is having a very bad day.
                    I think that once this comics is over, at least, the issues that I am working on, I would work on asking him to learn how to use the programs that I use in order to make the comic. If he wants to then he can still have me help him with everything. But I would much rather write than fix comics.

                    I am not abandoning ship. I would just like for him to be able to understand that this is his dream and not mine. I would help him but I have other things that I would need to work on like my own novels, my body type and my own needs.

                    And most of all, I choose this day job so that I would have more time to be with my friends. And it is getting in the way, when I say it, I mean the comics. I know I am spoiling my friends when I do this but this is a part of who I was a long time ago and it will be a part of who I am until the day that I die. And I will never like the feeling of choosing something that feels like work over the human need of people who are important to me.

                    I would however, have to ask my friends to understand and respect my creative needs. I know that you know that if I could I would fly to where you are. But I need you to sometimes, be able to hold yourself up even if you think everything is collapsing. Because in the end, we are the only one who can change our stars, who can truly lift us out of our rut and make ourselves happy.

                    I can only do so much. And sometimes, I won't be able to make time for you.

                    But I still stand by my hope that you will be able to be strong enough to survive the now to be able to find your future. And whoever that person may be, his eyes would be closed to all rumors and his lips would have nothing but sweet words to say about you.

                    Till then I hope that my life and the things I need to do doesn't interfere with the chaos that gets dropped on your laps so I can be there before the first tears fall.
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                      Unlucky FRIDAY THE 13TH

                      I won't be able to save the 20k from my separation pay. Circumstances have led me to dish out eight of the 26 thousand pesos that I got for a new room at my old Kamagong city address. This frustrated me to no end. That money was supposed to be part of the beginning of an adult bank account. Now, I have to put all my expenses in order. I had to pay bills, overdue rent and had a run in with my book fetish. I don't regret buying the TOMO manga since I learned a lot of things from it. I might be able to give it to my sister someday too.

                      I got to eat with my co-workers at Sbarro. I realized that the pill that I am taking has one major glitch. Since it made me feel full easily, eating cheese pizza and half zitti with chicken romano can prove to be suicidal. I didn't get the food to go down until around ten o'clock that night. That was more than four hours since I finished eating. I guess I need to try to control my urge to buy more food that I can actually eat.

                      When we went to Ate Hannah's house, we got to eat Mexican food. People drank and liked Mudshaker so much that Deo made Mindoro Sling just to keep the drinking going. We got to talking about spirits and what not. I realized that the reason why Spike seemed so easy to understand for me was that he was like me, only "more attractive" to elementals, spirits and what not. Big and Deo ended up reminding me of my own friends who could drive things away. I apologized thinking that I was the one who didn't shut up about the spirits and thus managed to say something offensive. I understand why I like hanging out with these guys, why I feel protected around them. They are willing to draw blood or miss important church duties just to keep us safe. I knew that when they asked us to come in it was to prevent bad things from happening to our otherwise awesome night. It was either we would feel really bad or something bad will happen. I guess Spike is brave but he needs to be more careful now because if he is wanted by so many creatures that would do anything to rid him of his worldly love, it could put Joch in a heap of trouble. I know from experience that I cried my eyes out when I heard JL got into an accident. I was trying to be with him again. And now that I am communicating with Mark again, he got into trouble after three years of keeping his head down, he got suspended after getting into a fight and thus almost got jailed for good. I feel like I was sort of responsible for causing such things in their lives. So no matter how much I might still care for them I would never allow myself to love as much as I did in the past. In this case, Spike might understand. Our demons want us for themselves. And when asked to cause our beloved pain, we would rather take in upon ourselves than let them suffer.

                      As light broke out, I saw Deo and Big ease up. Big still has a burden to carry, some things he need to get rid off. I was worried he wouldn't be able to. And I guess he can, or so he told me there is a way. I might need to learn Latin though.

                      Nevertheless, I had a great night. I just hoped that the AM shift days didn't have to end. We missed the people who made our mornings, albeit sleepy, but meaningful. I don't think I would ever have mornings like those ever again. My new workplace has much to prove and yet they are already revealing some rotten bits.

                      I just hope that they stick to the promise HE made to me. Otherwise, I am sorry. I would have to start over.

                      Ate Hannah made shabu-shabu for breakfast. Then we all went home. I could barely stand without snapping into seconds of unconsciousness. I got to my apartment and managed to sleep until 2. I need to work on Yo, Bo! I need to finish it today. Norby had already helped me decide what to put in the pages. I need to shape up and get to work.

                      Tomorrow, we print.
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                        Better friends than strangers -poem

                        I am happy
                        That you were
                        Able to say
                        What I had
                        Wanted you to
                        But I fear
                        That you are
                        The same as
                        You were before
                        Unsure, insecure, impulsive
                        And loving me
                        Wanting to have
                        What you can
                        Never ever have
                        Making me hope
                        That you can
                        Do the impossible
                        For our love
                        I am sorry
                        You would have
                        To understand me
                        My dear beloved
                        I have changed
                        I had loved
                        A you that
                        Wasn't really there
                        And you remember
                        Sensations of seduction
                        But you could
                        Have unconditional love
                        And you're refusing
                        No more dancing
                        On passionate fire
                        I walk now
                        A righteous path
                        Perhaps I won't
                        Love once again
                        Or perhaps will
                        Find someone who
                        Will love me
                        Enough to erase
                        To replace you
                        Someday not today
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                          Unemployed Hobo

                          When it rains, it really pours, doesn't it?
                          This is just wonderful.

                          I have comics deadline, doing so many things this weekend and the next weekend.

                          I am unsure whether or not I will get a shift that I want or if I will be hired by this company. T_T

                          If I am I have to give up Samantha as my teacher name and be Natasha. IF I get hired.

                          And now I have to move because I won't have an apartment by the end of August. My roommates found a new place. My housemates are leaving the apartment like rats on a sinking ship. I asked if this was going to happen. I knew it was too good to be true. And now it has happened. I had hoped that I wouldn't have to be a bedspacer again. T_T Jesus. This sucks.

                          Must not explode. Must.Not.Ex.Plode.


                          *gathers pieces of my brain from the floor*

                          I almost failed my mock call today. Good thing I managed to put my Tasha out. T_T; But the call was cut and I had to deal with a reset clock. So much for plotting the time to meet with the standards. T_T


                          I knew that black cat yesterday was bad news.

                          One, no more apartment.
                          Two, technical problems at my training.
                          Three, one more.


                          I need to move all my stuff. T_T Bedspacing is the devil. I need to win the lottery.
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                            First Training Day Funk

                            I was late. By like 41 minutes. Epic Fail.

                            Jesi was not there. Hannah was there. I met some new people.

                            The protocols are uber strict. I have to adjust to the 10 minute class time.
                            I need to learn all the books.
                            I have to make a decision whether to stay if they give me a PM shift.

                            I got an sms from Global Edu Town. +_+ They wanted to call me a 4pm for a phone interview. Epic Fail. Had they called me earlier...ugh.

                            Anyway, more about this when I have the time. I have to lay down the balloons for Yo, Bo!

                            Till then.
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                              Filipina Killed in Milan

                              I was about to go to sleep when my cousin's who has a sister in Italy, shared a link via her sister about a Filipina that was killed by a Ukrainian (this is a bit vauge since the youtube video isn't uploading fast enough. Thank you very much Smartbro. T_T)


                              I am suddenly gripped with fear beacuse I had wanted to go to Italy and work there. But my uncle, who had a wife and lived there for many years told me that there isn't much that I could do there as a form of a job. But recent developments regarding their need to make more student adapt in English might just open doors for me. I don't think my mom would want me to go there now either.

                              I will look out for more news about this and make a better entry, for now, I offer condolences and prayers to that Filipina's family and friends as well as justice and eternal rest for her soul.

                              A 25 year old Ukrainian man has bean arrested after murdering a 41 year old Filipino woman in Milan. Oleg Fedchenko a 25 year old boxer is believed to have punched innocent bystander Enlou A, 41 in the face after splitting up with his girlfriend, and 'losing control' resulting in her later death in hospital. The killer was also hospitalized after fracturing his hands during the attack.
                              Okay. So this is what I know. The lady was a victim of a man who was an ex-boxer who was dumped by his gf. He had vowed to seek revenge on the first woman he sees. Unfortunately, the first woman he saw was a 41-year old Filipina who had a family and was a good woman, and he beat her up. She suffered a lot of injuries and had died due to her injuries.

                              The sadder news is that the woman was someone that was the aunt of a CF of a distant cousin. (confusing, huh?) Still somewhat knowing the person who became the victim of such a cruel and senseless crime makes the news closer to home.

                              Someone did call out for help, so they said. But no one raised a finger to help her. But I bet if there was even one Filipino around who saw that happen, that man would be worst off that he was. If there were a group of Filipinos that passed by, woman or man, he would be the one who would be getting a eulogy. But I bet no one would make one for him that didn't include curses.

                              There is no reason for anyone to hurt an innocent woman, a by-stander just because she happened to be the wrong gender at the wrong time. There are things that I want the Italian justice system to do that is both too graphic to say now but I pray that he enjoys the circle of hell that he would belong to for the rest of his life. Because he is not only a murderer, he is a murderer of an innocent. If he has a conscience then let it eat at him until he could no longer bear it.

                              I can understand crimes that are done out of greed and out of malice. But to hurt someone just because she happened to be a woman and blame her for the deeds of another woman is just cruel, sexist and pathetic. I don't even blame the woman who left that man, because perhaps had she not, she would be the one whose blood is on the sidewalk.

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                                On friends and their potential

                                I know I made it a rule in my life to never hang out with losers.

                                I am not a great friend mind you. I had to learn how to be a good friend. And at 25, I am still learning how to frack things up and how to be a good friend. Someday, I hope to become a great friend.

                                But the wonderful thing about friends, at least the ones that I have is that they are my friends and not my enemies. Weird statement, huh? If you knew me beyond this blog then you would already know that I am a lot to handle at times. I literally never shut up. They have to snap at me to stop making side comments when they are ranting about their lives. I am that disrespectful. But they understand it's because I am a mind to mouth person. I have no filtering system. And even that they have adjusted to. I am to not know information unless it's critical that I do and there is no need for secrecy because I am a blurter. I tend to say things out loud without seemingly processing it. It irritates most people, for my friends, I am just being me.

                                I tend to be a beck and call friend. It came from my inferiority complex from way back. I used to come as soon as one of my friends needed me. Sometimes, okay, often I give unsolicited help. It causes more problems sometimes but all's well that ends well.

                                It's just sometimes, I wonder. How can someone who had so much potential in the past, frack their lives up and waste all that potential? If I could do half of what they were capable of, I would be filty rich by now. Or a major indie-film director, a master painter, award-winning writer and a local celebrity.

                                But no. Somehow I feel like somewhere along the way I failed as their friend. I got so caught up in my shit and had left them to hang. Had I been there when they were making those mistakes, then I would have thrown a slipper at them or two.

                                Because in my book, and like I learned from my UP professors, there is nothing worse than wasted potential and a calling that is ignored.

                                Seriously. I don't need them to be famous, rich or experts on their fields. I just need them to find something that they can share to the world and be happy doing it. I want them to find a niche in the big churning cosmos before we all succumb to the inevitable. #
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                                  If I could write about you

                                  There are lot of stories that I would like to write. Some, if not all of them truer to me than most readers could even imagine. But sometimes the stories we reveal to the world can wound the pride of people we care about. That is, what I think, what would happen if I told people about the truth in an OFWs home.

                                  He said it better though, Nelson's blog entry gave me chills. I voted for him not because he wrote very well. I actually hoped this had a version in the vernacular. I suddenly wanted the common man to read this.

                                  His story reminded me of someone's story. In fact, all this stories reminded me of someone I knew. I weave those kinds of stories into characters in my stories. But to name them the anti-hero of their own tales would have been too difficult for so many of them to swallow.

                                  I hope that those stories that I know would never happen again. I hope that never again would I be an antagonist in one of them.
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                                    First come, first mistake

                                    First of all, before you say yes to a training schedule make sure you have all your papers ready. If you don't ask for an extension.

                                    I forgot about this because I was relieved of the fear of being unemployed, at least for the time being. The odd thing was that after I got the job offer, a low one but with the options of being in the AM shift, I didn't care. I needed my life back. I wanted my afternoons to write and be one with Elbi theater again. Now, if it wasn't too much to ask, I hoped that I would be able to take a leave on the 3rd and the 6th in December.

                                    I like the office. The cubicles are smaller than I was used to but it was fine. At least there were no dusty flaps in the way. I just hope that no one would sush me for being too loud.

                                    The interesting and only damper on my day was that I had to turn down another interview because it was on the day of my first day of training. I had wanted to teach English to Japanese students. But the old gave in to the new.

                                    I now work, well, I will work on the 33rd floor. There doesn't seem to be a rooftop. I don't know how long it would take to go downstairs for a smoke. But luckily that is a good thing. I want to cut on my smoking anyway.

                                    I might be training with two other co-workers, two that I like immensely. But their lives need more funding, if you know what I mean. One is a mother and the other one needs independence.

                                    Me? I just need enough to pay my mom and my bills. What this job will offer me that others might not is time. Time to write. Time to be a friend. Time to find someone to love.

                                    I can't find someone while I'm tucked in a cubicle during the afternoon until late at night.

                                    I just can't.

                                    So is it a bad idea to say yes to the first job offer you get, yes, it is.
                                    But if you don't care much about wealth, then it wouldn't be too hard.

                                    Just have things to look forward to, like friends and Bora in December.
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                                      I missed my interview zomg

                                      Remember how fried my brain was last night? Well, I finished 13 pages of comics on photoshop so I had to go to sleep at around 7am. The unbelievable happened, while I was sleeping, I got the an e-mail telling me about an interview for either today or tomorrow. I read the e-mail at 4:14 and I was definitely shocked. I live in Makati, had just woken up and hadn't eaten a bite since 4am. So I was definitely not going to make it there on time. So I decided that I would go there tomorrow morning instead. This means I need to put issue 2 on hold for today because if I work on it I would be so obsessed that I would not be able to rest at all. (I really didn't sleep it was more like I lied down on my back because it hurt a lot) I kept checking my download for chobits like my life depended on it. I didn't realize that Eros was making me open a browser. I finally gave in and roused completely from my half-asleep, half-zombie state and checked my social networks, opened my messengers and my e-mail. Loo and behold I had an e-mail from a Mr. Lee. I couldn't call him because I didn't have any load on my phone, being that I drained my funds yesterday. (Today, I'll get my last 5th salary from E-Lamp via atm so that should be good.)

                                      I need to get stuff xeroxed. I need to get a renewal for my NBI because apparently that takes weeks.
                                      I hope the test isn't as harsh. And that I would pass.
                                      There are like 290+ online applicants for them. And my salary meter is slightly higher than most of them. I deserve it since they would not have to train me as much as they would need the others who are just breaking into this industry. ^_^

                                      Nevertheless the upside would be that I know where it is, I know how far it is from my place, and I can still bug people from Sooin, if they don't move in a far office. ^_^ But I am hoping for an Am shift schedule because I want to be able to work on Yo, Bo! in the afternoon as well as go to UPLB to see Elbipie 12. My life was in harmony when I was in the morning shift. So what if I had to wait for a jeep early in the morning just so I can get to work on time. So what? It would be worth it. I would have a life again.

                                      But if I they offer me an afternoon shift and a job offer that I can't live on, then I might have to try again in another company. I would just like a company that had HMO. I hope they have that. And that they don't over tax or throw people away just because they have been able to make a new branch somewhere where labor is cheaper and the accents are thicker. Oh no, I didn't!

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                                        40 minus 14 equals what?


                                        I need to do that many more pages. I think only two of those are thank you pages. +_+;

                                        My back hurts and I need to rest. I am sorry but I can't make anything when I am in this much pain.

                                        Silver lining, the last six pages of issue one are previews, Deo's Den clips and interviews probably. ^_^

                                        So I guess that I can do easily.

                                        The rest of the challenge is the pages for issue #2. There are no patterns and I need to do everything from memory. +_+ I have to remember what we talked about and what the characters were supposed to say when we talked about them. I will definitely refer to my script this time. And for the next issue, I am going to plot that motherF so well I won't need to remember anything at all.

                                        Rant : I had to reconstruct page 7 three times! The first time was a long time ago The other two was last night and this morning. And still the damn thing got undone. +_+ By the time I was in page 12 I realized that I had deleted all state changes. Frack. I hope the artist doesn't find anything out of the ordinary with that page because I might just have a bitch fit.

                                        For now, I need to lie down before I break my neck from excessive cracking. +_+

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