Feb 24, 2010 5:24 PM
LYFisSTRANGERdanFICTION - archive
LYFisSTRANGERdanFICTION
in life, shit just keeps happening for no reason at all. in fiction, there must always be a cause and an effect deep within the distortion, there must be symmetry. this is my distortion. i don't give a damn if you find no symmetry in it.
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Thursday, November 17, 2005
where no one knows me
there is a sense of happiness to find a place where i can be who i am when i don't want to be myself. there are a lot of us who live double lives but are comepletely clueless of our disposition. i do not want to tap my inner self. i try so very hard to cover it up so that no one can hurt me. i feel victorious when i startle people with the things that i say. but i want to shut up most of the time. but i can't. then i do the next worst thing, i tell a complete stranger the most inappropriate personal information. i feel liberated but then i look in my heart and realize that i am now trapped in that way of life. my friends are chipping through the toughie act and i'm scared shitless. we spend our lives trying to find people who will understand us but when they get too close, we try to push or we distract them so we can be back to our private demons. i love my demons and i never considered sharing them to the world. but because i chose to be a writer instead of a broadcaster, i am now a slave to my trade. unless i come to terms with my true self, i will never be worth a single centavo. becoming humbled by so many life experiences that had only happened of late. being told that i was good at something all my life was not a great deal of help. the air filling my head needs to be let out. i must now relearn too many things and once again find the confidence that will urge me to believe that my manuscripts will see the light of day. i pray that they will. i always wrote to impress people. now i realize that i must write stories in order to tell them. then once i have done that i must be able to defend every word i have ever written. and despite popular knowledge i don't have enough guts to pull that off as of the moment. there will be days in the next few months that my lungs would be crying out for clean air and my back will be calling out for a warm bed. but all i can do is carry on to torture my hands and write, type and retype. because that will be my bread and butter. and most especially, it will be my salvation. i want to be able to remember wanting to be a writer. i have been told i can do just about anything i can if i put my mind into it. now, i must place my heart in everything that i do so that the truth will surface. only then can i manage to look at the pages i have written and smile. life will be a book i will write everyday. it will be a memory of never-ending quotable quotes. the lives of those whom i will and have come to love will be re-written by the hands of a hopeless romantic. if i can't have a sucessful lovelife, then i will search for that one couple who can tell me how it is to be in love. if i no longer feel anger towards my enemies, then i'll get the side of an astranged and bitter lover to create a canvass of bitterness using his own words. i want this for myself. once i have done that, then, the world can know my name.
Posted by Pinaywriter at 6:31 PM
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Friday, November 18, 2005
be still my heart
for the first time in years, i looked at a couple slow dancing and really saw it. i feel a little calmness mixed with hope. it's a creeping amazement. adam and jane in joan of arcadia , slow dancing outside her home after he got jealous when she danced with God, who was posing as a cute high school student after saying she was not in the mood to dance. they decided they weren't ready for the consequences of the kiss they shared. then she smiled and asked him candidly to dance. Adam said something that is so simple it strcuk a nerve "Romantic love is a mental illness. it just happens, then what do you do about it?" it made me realize that i really am getting over him. i can't keep myself from smiling. after such a long time, i feel that it is the genuine kind i used to share with my high school friends. as i am writing this, i can't help but punctuate every statement with a smile. i needed this. i really think my heart is laughing. it's joyful because this might be the start of the greatest lovestory i will ever experience. a love meant for me, from me. i always tell people that in order to share something you should first have it in abundance. otherwise, you feel an emptiness that keeps getting bigger as you share that something to somebody who might love you but will give you the kind of love that does not match your own. perhaps that's how true love works. there is somebody with the same composition of love that matches the one in my little blackhole i call my heart. and it's not the love i received from the peopl who have loved me or continues to love me (i wish!)*sighs*
sometimes revelations don't come with fireworks or a kick in th egut. it's just a silence of the voices bickering in your head. for a moment, they grant you that . perhaps that's what some would call a defining moment. or maybe this is what a lot of suffering and tormented hearts hope for.
peace.
i feel like i'm jinxing it when i say i have it now. maybe that morning was just a first dose. maybe i'm getting back to myself one baby step at a time. maybe this slow recuperation is a means npt to be overwhelmed. i thank the gods for it. it's what i need, what i had hoped for. and this time around i'm not just telling myself this, it's flowing out of me so freely i can't explain it. i'm so happy and somewhat content.
i'm not big on complements. i've never enjoyed them because i believe thta people are just patronizing me. but of late many have notice bolder changes. and i'm not as hard spent on hiding what i was given and pretending they're not there. for once, i'm trying to enjoy myself more than i have ever done. and perhaps this welcomed contentment is not really that so sudden. maybe it's the fruit of my past labors. maybe the unshed tears are now evaporating since i have released them in my own time.
it's scary to think i can get over someone. perhaps that fear is all that i have to conquer. tonight i saw a tiny bit of hope in the oddest of places. i don't have to be afraid to fall in love. because if i am capable to love my family, my friends, and even respect my crtics and enemies, then it's about time to give myself the love that i deserve. and who better to give it than me? i am near the end of knowing who i am.
i am not a lesbian.
i may never be a bisexual.
but i am not exactly heterosexual.
because love knows no gender. it follows nobody's rules. it in itself is a demanding master. we submit to its force so blatantly sometimes we forget we have a choice. fighting it will be futile but we can love ourselves more. it's hard to do when people, especially those who believe they know you better than you know yourself, that they will tell you what to do. i do this so many times, my apologies to all my victims. nobody can tell you you're in love except yourself. nobody can tell you to love yourself more than you can. it's a process of accepting love in your life. its a means to the end of your confusion and the start of another one. because once you've decided to stop on the bridge to self-realization and stayed too long in the middle, you contemplate if you will take the next step or not.
i was always scared to make that decision. because the first time i did it, i thread the bridge with my hand over my eyes. the second time, i ran to the other side all too soon. there were many times that i jumped over, splashed on the shallow brook underneath the bridge. i tried to cross through there but couldn't because the current was too strong. the rocks were slippery. i had to start where i began. maybe i didn't notice the people pushing me to cross. the more i struggled, inch per inch, i was pushed forward. i did this with my back to my destination. i kept walking against the forces that were helping me get to the other side. too late, i turned around and my feet landed on the other side with out knwoing how i go there, knowing only that i have reached it. i don' regret ever loving louie, or blackie, even the others, however brief that was, because they represented passion, romance and fantasy. they were all wonderful guys who will become their unique brand of man when the time comes. i'm just thinking of the brand of woman i am going to be so i can say to that mr. right, the one with the same comppposition of love matter that i deserve to share love with him. but guess what, i'm still making the bridge that will take me to him. and i know he's doing the same thing, whether he is as aware of it as i am or not. i will not jeopardize this reconstruction and reconnection with myself and make a feeble bridge. one brick, one cement block, one wood, one nail, one rope at a time. it's going to feel like forever again . but at least now i know i have to wiat. it doesn't need to be a bore. i have gardens to water, weeds to uproot, bridges to tend and a life to live and share to the world.
love never waits it simply comes.
the days wheni'm constantly looking ove my shoulder are over. that attitude will definitely cause me to trip on my own foot and cause me pain. it has to stop. it's over. i'll look around more to take in what i have missed out on. once in a while i'll look behind me in order to take things into perspective. but i want to be aware of what life is offering me and not what it didn't.
regret shouldn't be my reason to never hope. pain shouldn't either. because those two will remind me that i am human and that i am alive. as long as i am alive and it's humanly possible, i will love.
perhaps not today or in a year but will. right now, i'll take love in small doses so i don't become an addict misdirected by her desires. i'll take enough to make sure i don't forget how it feels.
slowing down is not the coward's way. a pensive view of love may not be as grandeous as the drama i can compose. but it is certainly what i feel i want for myself. i have had the risks and the adventures, ripe with danger and excitement. now, it's time to grow up.
romantic love is not what blockbusters are really about. true love is what happens after the credits are done rolling. maybe someday i'll have soemone who'll love me even if all the listerine bottles are empty.
but for now, i'll garggle, thank you very much!
written: november 18, 2005 21:49
Posted by Pinaywriter at 11:51 AM
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Saturday, November 19, 2005
horoscopes and lack of faith
click here and drag. to bottom to read.
You're usually willing to hand your heart away gladly, but not right now. Even if someone's making a big play for it, you're waiting for your thoughts and feelings to clarify -- and more power to you.
i went to watch hp and the goblet of fire with my best friend today. i have at least four breakthroughs because of that single act. one, i didn't involuntarily remember louie when i was watching the movie. second, i stopped myself from asking my harry potter-ish new crush to go with me and my best friend to see the movie. third, i stopped an urge to ask for a light from a guy who fits my preference. i actually had to remove my eyes from him abruptly because i fought the urge to use a geisha look at him. i actually willed myself not to wink at a guy. boy, i am growing up! yippee! i sound like a freaking adolescent. excuse the gesture but i am simply surprised i had enough self-control the people who know me rarely see me excercise that ability to turn my freak flirt tease self. graphic...*sigh* there might just be hope for me.
i don't want to believe the cards that keep telling me that i will have a boyfriend this year. but then again i have always been the pessimist and the gods have a way of trying to prove me wrong. then fine, let him try.
classic example of the fates and the gods meddling with my plans and peace of mind. just a few hours after i finished writing that last ranting, i receieved a curious sms from a guy named charlie who wanted to be my textmate. i beg his pardon? who makes textmates at this time and age? for crap's sake! i haven't received a message like that in at least three years. excuse me? backwards, anyone? learned my lesson, formed my first relationship on the mobile. it ended on the mobile too, come to think of it. the worst was when a married bloke pretended to be single and befriended me on the sms. then his ambitious and solicitious friend revealed he was married. that definitely cleared the confusion. damn them, men and mobile phones. i keep the latter because of necessity and i guess women keep the former for basically the same damn reason.
anyway, i managed to tell my friend this, "so this is what it feels to be single!" and i'm outwardly ecstatic! thank the gods. my horoscope tells me these warnings...
A secret seems alluring at the week's outset, but there's a strength in truth -- up front and outright -- that, while not as sexy, actually moves romantic matters forward. From Wednesday through Friday, more than enough is going on to occupy your quick wits and sometimes-fickle attention. The line between intellectual discussion and flirty banter is a deliciously fuzzy one now -- a pleasure for both brain and heart. This weekend, your usual 'whatever' attitude may desert you as you dig in your heels about what you want -- and maybe that's not such a bad thing.
NOVEMBER
Well, don't forget that fairy-tale endings are usually pretty gruesome, at least in their original versions. So if you feel like things in your romantic life are less than fairy-tale on the 1st, heck, do a little whoop-dee-whoop and count your lucky stars! Then go out and rent a Disney film. Some real-life romance (which is way better than the cartoon version) should show up in your life sometime around the 5th, and the 9th, a very mysterious stranger could make a bid for your attention. Do you have any challenges for your would-be love interest to perform? Think about it on the 13th, and tell them what you want on the 18th. (Should they change into frogs? be able to detect poisoned apples from a distance? talk about their feelings?) The 22nd, you two could have an ideological battle, but by the 26th, that old struggle could turn into some smooching. The 28th, your life is nice and romantic -- without the fairy tale.
DECEMBER
The 1st and 2nd, you're going to channel a lot of romantic energy into a deep exploration of partnership. Whether you have a partner or you're in the process of finding one (or if you're taking a much-needed break to figure out what's up with yourself), the idea of how to be in the world with another human being will occupy your time. And when it comes to finding answers, you'll get warmer (despite dropping temperatures) on the 5th and 6th. The 11th, take a break from all the internal activity and go to a few holiday parties with friends -- you'll sparkle like those shiny holiday decorations! The 15th, somebody wants to drape you with tinsel from head to toe, and you might just let them. The 20th, you'll have a little chat that lights you up like a multicolored string of bulbs, and the 25th, you'll wonder what's in that red box you see before you. It could be very merry, after all. On the 31st, smooch!
LOVE SIGN
Aries
Those of you with natal Venus in Aries could be visualized as Cupid with a bow, rising to glorified heights and releasing an arrow aimed at a specific target of your choice. Energetic, youthful and direct, lovers with Venus in Aries will not demurely wait for anything. You are active and forthright, no stranger to competition. Those with this placement contain the impatience and daring of a truly alive, free-thinking, variety-seeking adolescent, discovering for the first time the indescribable bliss and inspiration of love with a capital L. Your emotions are changeable, fiery and perhaps a bit on the explosive side. Although you will probably attract a number of people to you with your energetic and super-active lifestyle, beware of your less exciting tendencies. Your self-centeredness (which can border on total self absorption) may leave your pursuits wondering if there is room for two in this affair. Remembering that others may not see things they same way you do will enable you to keep the fires scorching! You will be happiest in a relationship that allows you to be true to yourself.
Risk Taker, High Energy, Cautious, Seeks VarietyYou are inventive and aggressive, but you assess risk. You are an explorer of options and are willing to put a lot of yourself into making your dreams and ambitions come true. You have wide ranging interests and you work against being bored. However, you consider yourself a realist and you don't want to presume that all your endeavors will work out. People probably see you as awesome-and maybe hard to convince.Risk Taker, High Energy, Optimistic, Seeks Variety
The two of you are very similar except that you are more cautious about the possible downsides of plans. If you think that maybe you would be better off with someone who kept your spirits up when things got bad or would have helped you trust your instincts on an investment or life experience you passed up, and now regret, then an RAOV might be your soulmate.
oh well...can't always defy the gods. but i'll work on my self-control for now. thank you very much.
Posted by Pinaywriter at 6:03 AM
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Sunday, November 12, 2006
exclusively waiting
Samantha called me yesterday to tell me about how she might just be moving out of her denial stage regarding her situation with her boyfriend. i asked her "what situation?" she seemed too preoccupied to lie. she answered "he's not exactly available." i almost shot my anger through the roof. i wanted to ask her if she was just suffering from her self imposed celibacy then that she agreed to be in this situation. and i was beginning to like this guy for her. damn it. he was sincere and sensitive. and very very caring. to top it off, he managed to make samantha, the perinnial party girl behave. she was tamed. apparently i was wrong. he was not good news at all. and he was almost so great. exactly what she needs in her life. it turns out he was a liar as well. or at least he tried to hide this in fear that samantha will bolt. "So you broke up with him?" I could feel samantha's negative answer in her labored breathing. "YOU DIDN'T? ARE YOU CRAZY?" she began crying again. i didn't stop. this was the reason why she called me. we had other friends who would give her comforting words and patronize her shit. but not me. she called me because she wanted me to draw blood. enough to snap her back to her sanity. "is it a girlfriend or a wife?" samantha sighed. "a kid...and a former wife. they got married but they never stayed together. it was more like an elopement. they are legally married but they never were married married." i wanted to hit my head with my free hand. jesus christ. this woman was crazier than i thought. "what did he say?" samantha told me a long explanation about how he was afraid that if he told her earlier she would have been hurt (hello, it's not like she isn't right now, you ass!) and that she would leave him like the other girl did. i wanted to throw up with the amount of romantic bullshit she was force-feeding me. and it wasn't even time for me to loose my dinner. i ate sushi. i can't let some asshole make me loose my expensive feel-good food. samantha told me she just needed to tell someone. he didn't want any of her friends to know because he was afraid that they will knock some sense into her. samantha was adamant that she will wait for him to be able to annul the wedding. and that she loves this one for real and forever this time. samantha's twisted version of forever was right now regardless of tomorrow. i know this because we have been friends forever. we called each other alteregos. the exact opposite of the other. the only reason why we like each other was because we offered each other the exact opposite perspective.
but what samantha didn't know was that i was in the same shit she was in. but i was supposed to be the smart one so i couldn't tell her that. if someone could be saved, at least it could be her. i was too loyal for my own good. if i helped her find another man, more appealling than this one, then perhaps she will not be so unlucky as me.
samantha and i finally lived parallel lives. but not the kind i would have liked.
Posted by Pinaywriter at 11:14 PM
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Tuesday, August 11, 2009
NR 3.0 Walking on Eggshells
I was never the kind to walk on eggshells
Funny how she would even flinch at the unconscious idea that I might ram her with the door of my closet.
She has never done this before. She was never really the fearful type. At least I thought she wasn't. I suppose the truth is that she was wielding a power she thought she had.
She didn't realize that real bullies are not the bigger older kids, it's actually the beehive kind of younger girls.
Well, old lady, no need to worry. You don't have to scurry out of the room in such a hurry. I don't bite. I definitely won't bite you. Because believe me, my rabies would kill you in an instant. I only hurt the people who I give a shit for. And that is almost often not my initial intention. I would not lift a finger to hit you and make you a better person. I am a firm believer that idiots never learn and bitches can't become ladylike. I have given up even on myself. So you, I wouldn't care if you have to hop out of the room or apparate. Just don't make the mistake of talking to me or cleaning after me ever again. That might just be the last thing that you ever do.
Capish?
Posted by Pinaywriter at 4:52 PM
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Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Ceres and the new bud - story
Ceres and the new bud
She looked down at the vines that he had used to keep her in that forest. She wished they would loosen but they would just get tighter when she tried to release herself from them. She could walk a few feet away from the tree from which the vines were growing. She used to think it was freedom while forever remaining entwined to her beloved tree.
But that was when her hands were bound separately. Now they were together, she was not able to hold anything between them, not even a drop of rain to quench her thirst. And this thirst was not just for water, it was now for real freedom.
She had tried to cut the vines but it sensed that she wanted to leave. So it bound both her hands. She could see the markings they made on her creamy wrists. She often pulled on them when she was feeling defiant.
The tree grew impatient of her attitude and pulled her by the vines and raised her from the ground. She felt light-headed in the beginning and thought she actually liked being airborne. But the longer she stayed suspended, the more aware she was of her bindings. And she wanted to feel the earth underneath her feet again. She looked down and knew that she would get hurt if she fell from that height. But still she tugged until the vines broke and she fell, ass met earth and the pain made it too hard to stand.
So she crawled.
The grass held tiny thorns that she never really paid that much attention to before. But now she knew why the grass was so resilient. It cut her arms but she knew if she stayed near that tree it would just try to hang her again. And who knows when she would be able to break the vines from that one.
She was exhausted. She couldn't crawl anymore. She stopped near a rock and held on to it. Days passed without much memory. She sat on the rock crying. She missed the tree and the shade that it gave her. But she was not going back to her bindings. She swore to every salved cut on her arms and legs that she would not go back there.
She looked at the ground and saw a peculiar group of leaves. She knew in an instant this was not grass. Her tears and her blood had fallen on it. She had stopped on that very spot, she realized.
There, in the middle of the leaves was a solitary bud. She smiled and thought maybe it was a new tree that was starting to grow. She let her tears fall on it and sheltered it from the cold and the wind.
She would make sure this tree grows without constricting vines. Instead, it would be one that bears fruit that would nourish her. But it was not up to her what the tree would become. It was already destined to be what it is. She can only hope this is the one.
Posted by Pinaywriter at 7:48 PM
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Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Meteor Shower
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Monday, August 17, 2009
Replies to black pages
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Someday I will give someone a pencil too.
Someday, when all my selfishness had faded I want to be able to help someone get a good education. The way my parents did their very best to get me and my siblings through the best schools, even if they could not afford it, most of the times.
But for now, I think I can buy my sister and my cousins pencils and pens for school. Just for practice.
http://www.blackpencilproject.org/?page_id=9
http://www.worldvision.org.ph/
http://www.dot.com.ph/whitecross/
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Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Happy Birthday, Adrian!
I liked you even before I knew what love meant
I wasn't innocent but I was definitely naive
I thought that if I could pick a name to share to others
They would share the names of their crushes too
So there I was in my seat
Looking for a name to beseech
I didn't know,I wouldn't have cared
Who it was but then I saw you there
I figured you ran faster than me
And I marveled at that talent of thee
You see, I could not run as fast as you
I trip on my own foot too.
I cared your name a little closer that day
I shared it with giggles to other girls who
Told me about their latest beau
Who would have thought that I would like you
I think that it was the reason why
I never really talked to you or replied
Because I was ashamed of you knowing
That I scribbled your name with mine
I was heartbroken too when I began to feel
That you like a girl who I was almost kin
She was so perfect and so very nice
I was so clumsy and laughs too loudly in delight
I healed quite well from that mistake
I took on balls and bats everyday
I figured if I threw daggers at boys' way
They wouldn't know that the scars stayed
I learned how to run and later to fly
But you are still a memory that makes me sigh
I figured it was just untimely too
For you to leave before I can make you like me too
I am not a beauty of that I am sure
I never really wanted to be seen as such
But at least it was rewarded when we revisited the past
I finally had a chance to talk to the real you
I am sure there are things that I would never know
I would have been cured sooner if I just tried to
I hope that things would work out for you
And maybe one day a wedding primary photo for you.
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Monday, September 21, 2009
Hopscotch Holiday and the Last Nina Holiday
Today I took a Nina holiday. I slept my hangover off until nine, I ordered Corona Chicken salsa pizza from yellow cab, watched Milk and am watching Ps. I love you.
Today I accept a lot of things. I love Mark and always will but he is never coming back into my life. I am an adult, sans my ranting last night to Valene, asking why we had to be adults, why I had to act responsibly. This led me to leave later than I should and arrive later than I had hoped to where I responsibly needed to be. I had promised not to be absent, not to be late and as if the last of who I was in Elbi wanted to go against all that, my body took to the things I put in it that I would otherwise brushed off a few years ago. And my mother, relieved with the initial promise of her good daughter that she would not miss work was met with the familiar "Hay! Hay naku!" she used to say whenever she skipped school in college. Of course I never told her about when I skipped school but my mother always knew when I was doing something that I shouldn't be doing. I think that is her superhuman ability. That helped her raise some really crazy kids.
Yesterday I drank with a friend, an apprentice and my little brother. I realized that I never helped these people. They helped me. I looked around for a ghost in a black cap. I didn't see any, but the guy in the black cap that I saw was cute and got me to thinking, why am I not staying behind in Elbi and flirting with that guy?
Why am I going back to Makati to a job that I used to love and now there is a major hiccup with it messing up the timeline of my comfortable life so I just want to up and leave. But I have almost 50 thousand pesos keeping me from doing that. I am now an adult with bills to pay and loans to my mother (who is amazing but as all young adults in their mid-twenties know is worse than a loan shark because you can't escape your debt to the person who gave you your life) that I have to pay. Last year in about the same time I was a pay check away from finishing up my debts to my grandfather and my mom for moving back to Makati to work in the online English industry.
It's been almost a year now. I had been chucked unceremoniously from that job, gotten a new one an hour away in another city, my then quiet dorm's canteen became a videoke bar and now I have frustrated people's horrid singing on my nina fracking holiday peace, but I have Eros, I have met new friends and kept the old ones despite all distances. I have been heartbroken beyond what my friends could imagine but I now keep his picture as a reminder that we can survive and move on without being a stranger to the person that we were when we loved that person.
I honestly don't remember when I last saw, smelled, touched, heard or tasted Mark. I told my friend to hold the smell of that man she love kept in her sheets because that is the first to go away but the hardest to forget. The next one that leaves are the sensations of being held then the sensation of being filled and then the sensation of being kissed. Then the next to go would be the sound of his voice. If you are like me, to have been lucky enough to have a record of how his voice sounded and the luxury to play it as many times as I want, then congratulations. But someday, you would watch it again and say, without bitterness, pain or excitement, just
pure wonder, and say "Shit, I forgot how his voice sounded." And then the funny things go away. The private jokes become the stronghold of what you once shared. This is where how he knows you and how you know him becomes so intimate that it hurts if you try not to smile because of the things that he said or the things you said or did that he found amusing. No, you will not be bitter during the time that you are unconsiously telling people about these private jokes so much so that they are no longer just his joke and your laughter. It now becomes public this little detail of your relationship. You release ownership to something that you would have never have wanted to get out because the fairy dust blows away. It becomes a memory and you know that is the next thing to go, the memory.
I think I am on the part where the memory is fading. This is why, I apologize to all my friends when I conjure his name, my experiences and the lessons I learned while I was with him. It is my desperate plea to keep him alive in my mind. But it is also a double edged sword being that as much as I want to keep him with me, the more I think or talk about, the less real he seems and the less I have of him in me. So the picture in my wallet stays until someone sees it and gets so jealous they are choked up in tears, even though they knew from the get go that I will always love Mark. They, like I did would be rushed with a stinging green energy that would be torn between asking for the picture to be taken away and wanting my picture there too but in a more special visible place.
Tomorrow I will not skip work again on a whim, I will be the responsible daughter that they all want me to be. I will be the unwilling soundboard again, just like I was so many other times. I will pretend I can actually help my friends when in fact all that I can be is there for them to listen, rant and to tell them something that I know they will ignore and have it their way anyway. Because I love them just like that and I accept them just as I am. Those people deserve my time, my brother who lived in the shadow and carried my bags and listened to all my crazy talk and other traumatic activities he had to listen to but would know to get me the latest gabay shirt, even though he knows that some people think he is making too much of what he prioritizes, just because he knows that I loved my time there and I loved having something that is from Elbi that not everyone can buy at the stores. My apprentice who listens to some of my advice some of the time but knows that there are things
that he alone can figure out for himself and that if he doesn't make his own mistakes, he would just be a stubborn ass with no balls. I love that he is a non-smoker, it is like having a virgin friend while watching an orgy. And to my friend, who despite telling me that we would have a no-drama year had been through three or more this year than we ever had in the last couple of years. To her living her life fully as we all should. I raise my Hopscotch red horse to them. And to H who had to chose between being an adult and being there, you were there, we will always be there. And there would be other days when we would be together there. I would make it happen.
I won't skip work to get there but I will be there as much as I can, I will be there. And to P-chan who called me on his way to work, thank you for so many things that
you are. For loving and giving to people even if you think they do not deserve it sometimes. I know virgos are hard to love. But my father found his taurus, and you would find yours as well. In the meantime, I am here. To R and K and all the others J, F and L, thank you for making me see that yes, we do outgrow Elbi but not the people that we love whom we met at that place. There would be new place and new faces there now, but we are a part of the spirits that haunt those streets. Every party is filled with smoke, sweat and cheer. And of our laughter and silent tears.
I am putting my ghosts to rest. Next time that I go there, sure I would still take my shoes off and walk on the grass, but that is to pay my respects to the many other feet that walked there before me and will walk there, in a hurry, to get to class on time.
But life is not filled with ten minute lee-ways and Nina holidays. But there are times when we can sit back and relax with a bucket of beer, mojos and friends.
Happy Anniversary Hopscotch. It had been an excellent year. Here's to you and more conversations over music, karaoke, cigarettes and drinks.
S
Posted by Pinaywriter at 11:26 PM
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Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Fw: Korean Film Festival
http://www.clickthecity.com/movies/?p=5766
September 24
2 PM Barking Dogs Never Bite
4:30 PM Sa-Kwa --> want
7 PM Forbidden Quest --> want
September 25
2 PM Driving with my Wife's Lover
4:30 PM Forbidden Quest --> want (in case I don't get to watch on thursday)
7 PM The Show Must Go On --> want (ganster movie - awesome)
September 26
2 PM Beyond the Years (sana wala akong pasok ng saturday - crap meron - pero hindi naman aabot ng 2pm)
4:30 PM Barking Dogs Never Bite --> Want
7 PM Oldboy --> want want want
September 27
2 PM Beyond the Years
4:30 PM Barking Dogs Never Bite -> want (in case i miss saturday's screening)
7 PM Driving with my Wife's Lover --> want
September 28
2 PM The Show Must Go On
4:30 PM Driving with my Wife's Lover
7 PM Sa-kwa
September 29
2 PM Forbidden Quest
4:30 PM The Show Must Go On
7 PM Oldboy --> want in case I miss the Saturday screening)
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Friday, September 25, 2009
You can't quantify your love
If you measure love, then it is not love that you measure but affection.
If you measure days, it is not days you measure but you are counting down to the end.
If you measure worth, then it is not those you measure but effort and time spent.
If you measure tears, then it is not teardrops that you measure but your misery.
If you measure laughter, then it is not this that you measure but the awkward silences in between.
Love is not mathematically quantifiable.
They can try but the math disintegrates the closer they get to the point of creation as well.
That is where love resides, in the chaos that got so powerful, it moved nothingness and willed it to be everything that it could be.
Posted by Pinaywriter at 11:19 PM
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in life, shit just keeps happening for no reason at all. in fiction, there must always be a cause and an effect deep within the distortion, there must be symmetry. this is my distortion. i don't give a damn if you find no symmetry in it.
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Thursday, November 17, 2005
where no one knows me
there is a sense of happiness to find a place where i can be who i am when i don't want to be myself. there are a lot of us who live double lives but are comepletely clueless of our disposition. i do not want to tap my inner self. i try so very hard to cover it up so that no one can hurt me. i feel victorious when i startle people with the things that i say. but i want to shut up most of the time. but i can't. then i do the next worst thing, i tell a complete stranger the most inappropriate personal information. i feel liberated but then i look in my heart and realize that i am now trapped in that way of life. my friends are chipping through the toughie act and i'm scared shitless. we spend our lives trying to find people who will understand us but when they get too close, we try to push or we distract them so we can be back to our private demons. i love my demons and i never considered sharing them to the world. but because i chose to be a writer instead of a broadcaster, i am now a slave to my trade. unless i come to terms with my true self, i will never be worth a single centavo. becoming humbled by so many life experiences that had only happened of late. being told that i was good at something all my life was not a great deal of help. the air filling my head needs to be let out. i must now relearn too many things and once again find the confidence that will urge me to believe that my manuscripts will see the light of day. i pray that they will. i always wrote to impress people. now i realize that i must write stories in order to tell them. then once i have done that i must be able to defend every word i have ever written. and despite popular knowledge i don't have enough guts to pull that off as of the moment. there will be days in the next few months that my lungs would be crying out for clean air and my back will be calling out for a warm bed. but all i can do is carry on to torture my hands and write, type and retype. because that will be my bread and butter. and most especially, it will be my salvation. i want to be able to remember wanting to be a writer. i have been told i can do just about anything i can if i put my mind into it. now, i must place my heart in everything that i do so that the truth will surface. only then can i manage to look at the pages i have written and smile. life will be a book i will write everyday. it will be a memory of never-ending quotable quotes. the lives of those whom i will and have come to love will be re-written by the hands of a hopeless romantic. if i can't have a sucessful lovelife, then i will search for that one couple who can tell me how it is to be in love. if i no longer feel anger towards my enemies, then i'll get the side of an astranged and bitter lover to create a canvass of bitterness using his own words. i want this for myself. once i have done that, then, the world can know my name.
Posted by Pinaywriter at 6:31 PM
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Friday, November 18, 2005
be still my heart
for the first time in years, i looked at a couple slow dancing and really saw it. i feel a little calmness mixed with hope. it's a creeping amazement. adam and jane in joan of arcadia , slow dancing outside her home after he got jealous when she danced with God, who was posing as a cute high school student after saying she was not in the mood to dance. they decided they weren't ready for the consequences of the kiss they shared. then she smiled and asked him candidly to dance. Adam said something that is so simple it strcuk a nerve "Romantic love is a mental illness. it just happens, then what do you do about it?" it made me realize that i really am getting over him. i can't keep myself from smiling. after such a long time, i feel that it is the genuine kind i used to share with my high school friends. as i am writing this, i can't help but punctuate every statement with a smile. i needed this. i really think my heart is laughing. it's joyful because this might be the start of the greatest lovestory i will ever experience. a love meant for me, from me. i always tell people that in order to share something you should first have it in abundance. otherwise, you feel an emptiness that keeps getting bigger as you share that something to somebody who might love you but will give you the kind of love that does not match your own. perhaps that's how true love works. there is somebody with the same composition of love that matches the one in my little blackhole i call my heart. and it's not the love i received from the peopl who have loved me or continues to love me (i wish!)*sighs*
sometimes revelations don't come with fireworks or a kick in th egut. it's just a silence of the voices bickering in your head. for a moment, they grant you that . perhaps that's what some would call a defining moment. or maybe this is what a lot of suffering and tormented hearts hope for.
peace.
i feel like i'm jinxing it when i say i have it now. maybe that morning was just a first dose. maybe i'm getting back to myself one baby step at a time. maybe this slow recuperation is a means npt to be overwhelmed. i thank the gods for it. it's what i need, what i had hoped for. and this time around i'm not just telling myself this, it's flowing out of me so freely i can't explain it. i'm so happy and somewhat content.
i'm not big on complements. i've never enjoyed them because i believe thta people are just patronizing me. but of late many have notice bolder changes. and i'm not as hard spent on hiding what i was given and pretending they're not there. for once, i'm trying to enjoy myself more than i have ever done. and perhaps this welcomed contentment is not really that so sudden. maybe it's the fruit of my past labors. maybe the unshed tears are now evaporating since i have released them in my own time.
it's scary to think i can get over someone. perhaps that fear is all that i have to conquer. tonight i saw a tiny bit of hope in the oddest of places. i don't have to be afraid to fall in love. because if i am capable to love my family, my friends, and even respect my crtics and enemies, then it's about time to give myself the love that i deserve. and who better to give it than me? i am near the end of knowing who i am.
i am not a lesbian.
i may never be a bisexual.
but i am not exactly heterosexual.
because love knows no gender. it follows nobody's rules. it in itself is a demanding master. we submit to its force so blatantly sometimes we forget we have a choice. fighting it will be futile but we can love ourselves more. it's hard to do when people, especially those who believe they know you better than you know yourself, that they will tell you what to do. i do this so many times, my apologies to all my victims. nobody can tell you you're in love except yourself. nobody can tell you to love yourself more than you can. it's a process of accepting love in your life. its a means to the end of your confusion and the start of another one. because once you've decided to stop on the bridge to self-realization and stayed too long in the middle, you contemplate if you will take the next step or not.
i was always scared to make that decision. because the first time i did it, i thread the bridge with my hand over my eyes. the second time, i ran to the other side all too soon. there were many times that i jumped over, splashed on the shallow brook underneath the bridge. i tried to cross through there but couldn't because the current was too strong. the rocks were slippery. i had to start where i began. maybe i didn't notice the people pushing me to cross. the more i struggled, inch per inch, i was pushed forward. i did this with my back to my destination. i kept walking against the forces that were helping me get to the other side. too late, i turned around and my feet landed on the other side with out knwoing how i go there, knowing only that i have reached it. i don' regret ever loving louie, or blackie, even the others, however brief that was, because they represented passion, romance and fantasy. they were all wonderful guys who will become their unique brand of man when the time comes. i'm just thinking of the brand of woman i am going to be so i can say to that mr. right, the one with the same comppposition of love matter that i deserve to share love with him. but guess what, i'm still making the bridge that will take me to him. and i know he's doing the same thing, whether he is as aware of it as i am or not. i will not jeopardize this reconstruction and reconnection with myself and make a feeble bridge. one brick, one cement block, one wood, one nail, one rope at a time. it's going to feel like forever again . but at least now i know i have to wiat. it doesn't need to be a bore. i have gardens to water, weeds to uproot, bridges to tend and a life to live and share to the world.
love never waits it simply comes.
the days wheni'm constantly looking ove my shoulder are over. that attitude will definitely cause me to trip on my own foot and cause me pain. it has to stop. it's over. i'll look around more to take in what i have missed out on. once in a while i'll look behind me in order to take things into perspective. but i want to be aware of what life is offering me and not what it didn't.
regret shouldn't be my reason to never hope. pain shouldn't either. because those two will remind me that i am human and that i am alive. as long as i am alive and it's humanly possible, i will love.
perhaps not today or in a year but will. right now, i'll take love in small doses so i don't become an addict misdirected by her desires. i'll take enough to make sure i don't forget how it feels.
slowing down is not the coward's way. a pensive view of love may not be as grandeous as the drama i can compose. but it is certainly what i feel i want for myself. i have had the risks and the adventures, ripe with danger and excitement. now, it's time to grow up.
romantic love is not what blockbusters are really about. true love is what happens after the credits are done rolling. maybe someday i'll have soemone who'll love me even if all the listerine bottles are empty.
but for now, i'll garggle, thank you very much!
written: november 18, 2005 21:49
Posted by Pinaywriter at 11:51 AM
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Saturday, November 19, 2005
horoscopes and lack of faith
click here and drag. to bottom to read.
You're usually willing to hand your heart away gladly, but not right now. Even if someone's making a big play for it, you're waiting for your thoughts and feelings to clarify -- and more power to you.
i went to watch hp and the goblet of fire with my best friend today. i have at least four breakthroughs because of that single act. one, i didn't involuntarily remember louie when i was watching the movie. second, i stopped myself from asking my harry potter-ish new crush to go with me and my best friend to see the movie. third, i stopped an urge to ask for a light from a guy who fits my preference. i actually had to remove my eyes from him abruptly because i fought the urge to use a geisha look at him. i actually willed myself not to wink at a guy. boy, i am growing up! yippee! i sound like a freaking adolescent. excuse the gesture but i am simply surprised i had enough self-control the people who know me rarely see me excercise that ability to turn my freak flirt tease self. graphic...*sigh* there might just be hope for me.
i don't want to believe the cards that keep telling me that i will have a boyfriend this year. but then again i have always been the pessimist and the gods have a way of trying to prove me wrong. then fine, let him try.
classic example of the fates and the gods meddling with my plans and peace of mind. just a few hours after i finished writing that last ranting, i receieved a curious sms from a guy named charlie who wanted to be my textmate. i beg his pardon? who makes textmates at this time and age? for crap's sake! i haven't received a message like that in at least three years. excuse me? backwards, anyone? learned my lesson, formed my first relationship on the mobile. it ended on the mobile too, come to think of it. the worst was when a married bloke pretended to be single and befriended me on the sms. then his ambitious and solicitious friend revealed he was married. that definitely cleared the confusion. damn them, men and mobile phones. i keep the latter because of necessity and i guess women keep the former for basically the same damn reason.
anyway, i managed to tell my friend this, "so this is what it feels to be single!" and i'm outwardly ecstatic! thank the gods. my horoscope tells me these warnings...
A secret seems alluring at the week's outset, but there's a strength in truth -- up front and outright -- that, while not as sexy, actually moves romantic matters forward. From Wednesday through Friday, more than enough is going on to occupy your quick wits and sometimes-fickle attention. The line between intellectual discussion and flirty banter is a deliciously fuzzy one now -- a pleasure for both brain and heart. This weekend, your usual 'whatever' attitude may desert you as you dig in your heels about what you want -- and maybe that's not such a bad thing.
NOVEMBER
Well, don't forget that fairy-tale endings are usually pretty gruesome, at least in their original versions. So if you feel like things in your romantic life are less than fairy-tale on the 1st, heck, do a little whoop-dee-whoop and count your lucky stars! Then go out and rent a Disney film. Some real-life romance (which is way better than the cartoon version) should show up in your life sometime around the 5th, and the 9th, a very mysterious stranger could make a bid for your attention. Do you have any challenges for your would-be love interest to perform? Think about it on the 13th, and tell them what you want on the 18th. (Should they change into frogs? be able to detect poisoned apples from a distance? talk about their feelings?) The 22nd, you two could have an ideological battle, but by the 26th, that old struggle could turn into some smooching. The 28th, your life is nice and romantic -- without the fairy tale.
DECEMBER
The 1st and 2nd, you're going to channel a lot of romantic energy into a deep exploration of partnership. Whether you have a partner or you're in the process of finding one (or if you're taking a much-needed break to figure out what's up with yourself), the idea of how to be in the world with another human being will occupy your time. And when it comes to finding answers, you'll get warmer (despite dropping temperatures) on the 5th and 6th. The 11th, take a break from all the internal activity and go to a few holiday parties with friends -- you'll sparkle like those shiny holiday decorations! The 15th, somebody wants to drape you with tinsel from head to toe, and you might just let them. The 20th, you'll have a little chat that lights you up like a multicolored string of bulbs, and the 25th, you'll wonder what's in that red box you see before you. It could be very merry, after all. On the 31st, smooch!
LOVE SIGN
Aries
Those of you with natal Venus in Aries could be visualized as Cupid with a bow, rising to glorified heights and releasing an arrow aimed at a specific target of your choice. Energetic, youthful and direct, lovers with Venus in Aries will not demurely wait for anything. You are active and forthright, no stranger to competition. Those with this placement contain the impatience and daring of a truly alive, free-thinking, variety-seeking adolescent, discovering for the first time the indescribable bliss and inspiration of love with a capital L. Your emotions are changeable, fiery and perhaps a bit on the explosive side. Although you will probably attract a number of people to you with your energetic and super-active lifestyle, beware of your less exciting tendencies. Your self-centeredness (which can border on total self absorption) may leave your pursuits wondering if there is room for two in this affair. Remembering that others may not see things they same way you do will enable you to keep the fires scorching! You will be happiest in a relationship that allows you to be true to yourself.
Risk Taker, High Energy, Cautious, Seeks VarietyYou are inventive and aggressive, but you assess risk. You are an explorer of options and are willing to put a lot of yourself into making your dreams and ambitions come true. You have wide ranging interests and you work against being bored. However, you consider yourself a realist and you don't want to presume that all your endeavors will work out. People probably see you as awesome-and maybe hard to convince.Risk Taker, High Energy, Optimistic, Seeks Variety
The two of you are very similar except that you are more cautious about the possible downsides of plans. If you think that maybe you would be better off with someone who kept your spirits up when things got bad or would have helped you trust your instincts on an investment or life experience you passed up, and now regret, then an RAOV might be your soulmate.
oh well...can't always defy the gods. but i'll work on my self-control for now. thank you very much.
Posted by Pinaywriter at 6:03 AM
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Sunday, November 12, 2006
exclusively waiting
Samantha called me yesterday to tell me about how she might just be moving out of her denial stage regarding her situation with her boyfriend. i asked her "what situation?" she seemed too preoccupied to lie. she answered "he's not exactly available." i almost shot my anger through the roof. i wanted to ask her if she was just suffering from her self imposed celibacy then that she agreed to be in this situation. and i was beginning to like this guy for her. damn it. he was sincere and sensitive. and very very caring. to top it off, he managed to make samantha, the perinnial party girl behave. she was tamed. apparently i was wrong. he was not good news at all. and he was almost so great. exactly what she needs in her life. it turns out he was a liar as well. or at least he tried to hide this in fear that samantha will bolt. "So you broke up with him?" I could feel samantha's negative answer in her labored breathing. "YOU DIDN'T? ARE YOU CRAZY?" she began crying again. i didn't stop. this was the reason why she called me. we had other friends who would give her comforting words and patronize her shit. but not me. she called me because she wanted me to draw blood. enough to snap her back to her sanity. "is it a girlfriend or a wife?" samantha sighed. "a kid...and a former wife. they got married but they never stayed together. it was more like an elopement. they are legally married but they never were married married." i wanted to hit my head with my free hand. jesus christ. this woman was crazier than i thought. "what did he say?" samantha told me a long explanation about how he was afraid that if he told her earlier she would have been hurt (hello, it's not like she isn't right now, you ass!) and that she would leave him like the other girl did. i wanted to throw up with the amount of romantic bullshit she was force-feeding me. and it wasn't even time for me to loose my dinner. i ate sushi. i can't let some asshole make me loose my expensive feel-good food. samantha told me she just needed to tell someone. he didn't want any of her friends to know because he was afraid that they will knock some sense into her. samantha was adamant that she will wait for him to be able to annul the wedding. and that she loves this one for real and forever this time. samantha's twisted version of forever was right now regardless of tomorrow. i know this because we have been friends forever. we called each other alteregos. the exact opposite of the other. the only reason why we like each other was because we offered each other the exact opposite perspective.
but what samantha didn't know was that i was in the same shit she was in. but i was supposed to be the smart one so i couldn't tell her that. if someone could be saved, at least it could be her. i was too loyal for my own good. if i helped her find another man, more appealling than this one, then perhaps she will not be so unlucky as me.
samantha and i finally lived parallel lives. but not the kind i would have liked.
Posted by Pinaywriter at 11:14 PM
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Tuesday, August 11, 2009
NR 3.0 Walking on Eggshells
I was never the kind to walk on eggshells
Funny how she would even flinch at the unconscious idea that I might ram her with the door of my closet.
She has never done this before. She was never really the fearful type. At least I thought she wasn't. I suppose the truth is that she was wielding a power she thought she had.
She didn't realize that real bullies are not the bigger older kids, it's actually the beehive kind of younger girls.
Well, old lady, no need to worry. You don't have to scurry out of the room in such a hurry. I don't bite. I definitely won't bite you. Because believe me, my rabies would kill you in an instant. I only hurt the people who I give a shit for. And that is almost often not my initial intention. I would not lift a finger to hit you and make you a better person. I am a firm believer that idiots never learn and bitches can't become ladylike. I have given up even on myself. So you, I wouldn't care if you have to hop out of the room or apparate. Just don't make the mistake of talking to me or cleaning after me ever again. That might just be the last thing that you ever do.
Capish?
Posted by Pinaywriter at 4:52 PM
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Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Ceres and the new bud - story
Ceres and the new bud
She looked down at the vines that he had used to keep her in that forest. She wished they would loosen but they would just get tighter when she tried to release herself from them. She could walk a few feet away from the tree from which the vines were growing. She used to think it was freedom while forever remaining entwined to her beloved tree.
But that was when her hands were bound separately. Now they were together, she was not able to hold anything between them, not even a drop of rain to quench her thirst. And this thirst was not just for water, it was now for real freedom.
She had tried to cut the vines but it sensed that she wanted to leave. So it bound both her hands. She could see the markings they made on her creamy wrists. She often pulled on them when she was feeling defiant.
The tree grew impatient of her attitude and pulled her by the vines and raised her from the ground. She felt light-headed in the beginning and thought she actually liked being airborne. But the longer she stayed suspended, the more aware she was of her bindings. And she wanted to feel the earth underneath her feet again. She looked down and knew that she would get hurt if she fell from that height. But still she tugged until the vines broke and she fell, ass met earth and the pain made it too hard to stand.
So she crawled.
The grass held tiny thorns that she never really paid that much attention to before. But now she knew why the grass was so resilient. It cut her arms but she knew if she stayed near that tree it would just try to hang her again. And who knows when she would be able to break the vines from that one.
She was exhausted. She couldn't crawl anymore. She stopped near a rock and held on to it. Days passed without much memory. She sat on the rock crying. She missed the tree and the shade that it gave her. But she was not going back to her bindings. She swore to every salved cut on her arms and legs that she would not go back there.
She looked at the ground and saw a peculiar group of leaves. She knew in an instant this was not grass. Her tears and her blood had fallen on it. She had stopped on that very spot, she realized.
There, in the middle of the leaves was a solitary bud. She smiled and thought maybe it was a new tree that was starting to grow. She let her tears fall on it and sheltered it from the cold and the wind.
She would make sure this tree grows without constricting vines. Instead, it would be one that bears fruit that would nourish her. But it was not up to her what the tree would become. It was already destined to be what it is. She can only hope this is the one.
Posted by Pinaywriter at 7:48 PM
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Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Meteor Shower
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Monday, August 17, 2009
Replies to black pages
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Someday I will give someone a pencil too.
Someday, when all my selfishness had faded I want to be able to help someone get a good education. The way my parents did their very best to get me and my siblings through the best schools, even if they could not afford it, most of the times.
But for now, I think I can buy my sister and my cousins pencils and pens for school. Just for practice.
http://www.blackpencilproject.org/?page_id=9
http://www.worldvision.org.ph/
http://www.dot.com.ph/whitecross/
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Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Happy Birthday, Adrian!
I liked you even before I knew what love meant
I wasn't innocent but I was definitely naive
I thought that if I could pick a name to share to others
They would share the names of their crushes too
So there I was in my seat
Looking for a name to beseech
I didn't know,I wouldn't have cared
Who it was but then I saw you there
I figured you ran faster than me
And I marveled at that talent of thee
You see, I could not run as fast as you
I trip on my own foot too.
I cared your name a little closer that day
I shared it with giggles to other girls who
Told me about their latest beau
Who would have thought that I would like you
I think that it was the reason why
I never really talked to you or replied
Because I was ashamed of you knowing
That I scribbled your name with mine
I was heartbroken too when I began to feel
That you like a girl who I was almost kin
She was so perfect and so very nice
I was so clumsy and laughs too loudly in delight
I healed quite well from that mistake
I took on balls and bats everyday
I figured if I threw daggers at boys' way
They wouldn't know that the scars stayed
I learned how to run and later to fly
But you are still a memory that makes me sigh
I figured it was just untimely too
For you to leave before I can make you like me too
I am not a beauty of that I am sure
I never really wanted to be seen as such
But at least it was rewarded when we revisited the past
I finally had a chance to talk to the real you
I am sure there are things that I would never know
I would have been cured sooner if I just tried to
I hope that things would work out for you
And maybe one day a wedding primary photo for you.
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Monday, September 21, 2009
Hopscotch Holiday and the Last Nina Holiday
Today I took a Nina holiday. I slept my hangover off until nine, I ordered Corona Chicken salsa pizza from yellow cab, watched Milk and am watching Ps. I love you.
Today I accept a lot of things. I love Mark and always will but he is never coming back into my life. I am an adult, sans my ranting last night to Valene, asking why we had to be adults, why I had to act responsibly. This led me to leave later than I should and arrive later than I had hoped to where I responsibly needed to be. I had promised not to be absent, not to be late and as if the last of who I was in Elbi wanted to go against all that, my body took to the things I put in it that I would otherwise brushed off a few years ago. And my mother, relieved with the initial promise of her good daughter that she would not miss work was met with the familiar "Hay! Hay naku!" she used to say whenever she skipped school in college. Of course I never told her about when I skipped school but my mother always knew when I was doing something that I shouldn't be doing. I think that is her superhuman ability. That helped her raise some really crazy kids.
Yesterday I drank with a friend, an apprentice and my little brother. I realized that I never helped these people. They helped me. I looked around for a ghost in a black cap. I didn't see any, but the guy in the black cap that I saw was cute and got me to thinking, why am I not staying behind in Elbi and flirting with that guy?
Why am I going back to Makati to a job that I used to love and now there is a major hiccup with it messing up the timeline of my comfortable life so I just want to up and leave. But I have almost 50 thousand pesos keeping me from doing that. I am now an adult with bills to pay and loans to my mother (who is amazing but as all young adults in their mid-twenties know is worse than a loan shark because you can't escape your debt to the person who gave you your life) that I have to pay. Last year in about the same time I was a pay check away from finishing up my debts to my grandfather and my mom for moving back to Makati to work in the online English industry.
It's been almost a year now. I had been chucked unceremoniously from that job, gotten a new one an hour away in another city, my then quiet dorm's canteen became a videoke bar and now I have frustrated people's horrid singing on my nina fracking holiday peace, but I have Eros, I have met new friends and kept the old ones despite all distances. I have been heartbroken beyond what my friends could imagine but I now keep his picture as a reminder that we can survive and move on without being a stranger to the person that we were when we loved that person.
I honestly don't remember when I last saw, smelled, touched, heard or tasted Mark. I told my friend to hold the smell of that man she love kept in her sheets because that is the first to go away but the hardest to forget. The next one that leaves are the sensations of being held then the sensation of being filled and then the sensation of being kissed. Then the next to go would be the sound of his voice. If you are like me, to have been lucky enough to have a record of how his voice sounded and the luxury to play it as many times as I want, then congratulations. But someday, you would watch it again and say, without bitterness, pain or excitement, just
pure wonder, and say "Shit, I forgot how his voice sounded." And then the funny things go away. The private jokes become the stronghold of what you once shared. This is where how he knows you and how you know him becomes so intimate that it hurts if you try not to smile because of the things that he said or the things you said or did that he found amusing. No, you will not be bitter during the time that you are unconsiously telling people about these private jokes so much so that they are no longer just his joke and your laughter. It now becomes public this little detail of your relationship. You release ownership to something that you would have never have wanted to get out because the fairy dust blows away. It becomes a memory and you know that is the next thing to go, the memory.
I think I am on the part where the memory is fading. This is why, I apologize to all my friends when I conjure his name, my experiences and the lessons I learned while I was with him. It is my desperate plea to keep him alive in my mind. But it is also a double edged sword being that as much as I want to keep him with me, the more I think or talk about, the less real he seems and the less I have of him in me. So the picture in my wallet stays until someone sees it and gets so jealous they are choked up in tears, even though they knew from the get go that I will always love Mark. They, like I did would be rushed with a stinging green energy that would be torn between asking for the picture to be taken away and wanting my picture there too but in a more special visible place.
Tomorrow I will not skip work again on a whim, I will be the responsible daughter that they all want me to be. I will be the unwilling soundboard again, just like I was so many other times. I will pretend I can actually help my friends when in fact all that I can be is there for them to listen, rant and to tell them something that I know they will ignore and have it their way anyway. Because I love them just like that and I accept them just as I am. Those people deserve my time, my brother who lived in the shadow and carried my bags and listened to all my crazy talk and other traumatic activities he had to listen to but would know to get me the latest gabay shirt, even though he knows that some people think he is making too much of what he prioritizes, just because he knows that I loved my time there and I loved having something that is from Elbi that not everyone can buy at the stores. My apprentice who listens to some of my advice some of the time but knows that there are things
that he alone can figure out for himself and that if he doesn't make his own mistakes, he would just be a stubborn ass with no balls. I love that he is a non-smoker, it is like having a virgin friend while watching an orgy. And to my friend, who despite telling me that we would have a no-drama year had been through three or more this year than we ever had in the last couple of years. To her living her life fully as we all should. I raise my Hopscotch red horse to them. And to H who had to chose between being an adult and being there, you were there, we will always be there. And there would be other days when we would be together there. I would make it happen.
I won't skip work to get there but I will be there as much as I can, I will be there. And to P-chan who called me on his way to work, thank you for so many things that
you are. For loving and giving to people even if you think they do not deserve it sometimes. I know virgos are hard to love. But my father found his taurus, and you would find yours as well. In the meantime, I am here. To R and K and all the others J, F and L, thank you for making me see that yes, we do outgrow Elbi but not the people that we love whom we met at that place. There would be new place and new faces there now, but we are a part of the spirits that haunt those streets. Every party is filled with smoke, sweat and cheer. And of our laughter and silent tears.
I am putting my ghosts to rest. Next time that I go there, sure I would still take my shoes off and walk on the grass, but that is to pay my respects to the many other feet that walked there before me and will walk there, in a hurry, to get to class on time.
But life is not filled with ten minute lee-ways and Nina holidays. But there are times when we can sit back and relax with a bucket of beer, mojos and friends.
Happy Anniversary Hopscotch. It had been an excellent year. Here's to you and more conversations over music, karaoke, cigarettes and drinks.
S
Posted by Pinaywriter at 11:26 PM
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Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Fw: Korean Film Festival
http://www.clickthecity.com/movies/?p=5766
September 24
2 PM Barking Dogs Never Bite
4:30 PM Sa-Kwa --> want
7 PM Forbidden Quest --> want
September 25
2 PM Driving with my Wife's Lover
4:30 PM Forbidden Quest --> want (in case I don't get to watch on thursday)
7 PM The Show Must Go On --> want (ganster movie - awesome)
September 26
2 PM Beyond the Years (sana wala akong pasok ng saturday - crap meron - pero hindi naman aabot ng 2pm)
4:30 PM Barking Dogs Never Bite --> Want
7 PM Oldboy --> want want want
September 27
2 PM Beyond the Years
4:30 PM Barking Dogs Never Bite -> want (in case i miss saturday's screening)
7 PM Driving with my Wife's Lover --> want
September 28
2 PM The Show Must Go On
4:30 PM Driving with my Wife's Lover
7 PM Sa-kwa
September 29
2 PM Forbidden Quest
4:30 PM The Show Must Go On
7 PM Oldboy --> want in case I miss the Saturday screening)
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Friday, September 25, 2009
You can't quantify your love
If you measure love, then it is not love that you measure but affection.
If you measure days, it is not days you measure but you are counting down to the end.
If you measure worth, then it is not those you measure but effort and time spent.
If you measure tears, then it is not teardrops that you measure but your misery.
If you measure laughter, then it is not this that you measure but the awkward silences in between.
Love is not mathematically quantifiable.
They can try but the math disintegrates the closer they get to the point of creation as well.
That is where love resides, in the chaos that got so powerful, it moved nothingness and willed it to be everything that it could be.
Posted by Pinaywriter at 11:19 PM
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