Sunday, September 26, 2010

archive Saengil Chukha Hamnida, Ne Sarang!

Saengil Chukha Hamnida, Ne Sarang!

I don't know what happened.
It's perhaps the fact that I wanted to be friends and I can't seem to get around to doing that.
It's your birthday today and I had wanted to send you a gift.
I had wanted to send you a letter that would tell you how much I love you and will always love you.
But the thing is that I know that I would also write there that I can't be with you until you are free to claim me in the eyes of man and with God's blessing.

I dreamed last night that we were together once and I had to leave. It was so clear I feared that it would come to pass.
But always tragedy is the escape of a mind that had nothing to hold on to.
I would never wish for anyone to be pushed out of the way.

But I talked to you then, minutes after I have awoken from holding you in my sleep for one last time.
I told you words that you thought you would never hear from me.
They all wove a sad and practical goodbye. One that you thought I had set aside.

I don't want to do that. I don't want to slip.
I don't want to hope. I don't want to dream.

I want to be your friend so desperately to muzzle the screaming orgasm of my heart.
I want to be your friend so I can keep you in my life and not judge myself immoral.

But what I would be doing is lying to my mother about why I don't want to live in Campo Verde.
But what I am doing is discouraging her that I want to set roots in a place within your reach.
Perhaps if I tell her she would stop hoping to buy property there.

But in the "be a good daughter" program I am under, I have yet to keep any of the promises, I have yet to put my own life aside to sacrifice for my family. I am a little confused. I know what I want to do in my life. I know you are too busy to bother with anyone else. But I am infuriated that you haven't added me in the social network that led to this new distraction. I am pissed that you don't seem to have any idea how very little it mattered to me before that I loved you in sin. I don't know if your conscience rubbed off on me and my callousness rubbed off on you. But what I know is that given the choice between your lover and your friend. I would choose you as a friend. That way, I can do no wrong. You can do no wrong. I can kiss you on the check. I can ask for hugs when I see you again. We can talk about life and love without innuendos. I would be free of you but don't have to lose you entirely.

I am selfish. I know. I really need to outgrow that as much as I need to unlove you.
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    Welcome to hell on earth

    Imagine you have to go to work on Holy Thursday when half of the people on Earth are on holiday and your office is on generators, there is no running water, the common bathrooms are full of shit - literally, and there is no airconditioning.

    Oh wait. I don't have to imagine. I am in that situation right now.

    Having a tiny bladder is literally torture. I am lucky I am not pregnant (there are pregnant women here) because that would make me more susceptible to peeing.

    There are not enough cuss words to use to get the rantings out of the way.

    Then you get news that Martial Law is going to be implemented like the wrath of God by the time you get back to work after Holy week. So that is nice.

    It's not so bad if you only have to think of yourself, only have to police your own actions. But you have to tell thick-headed whinnies and primadonnas that their job is to do what they are told and just be thankful they have jobs. And that if they can't handle it, then they can suck it, pack and leave.

    But that would make you look bad, make you appear like you are not able to work with a team and inevitably be the one to have to do that added work that those deserters would leave behind.

    It's fascinating how some time last year, I actually liked being here. What a year does to things is unbelievably sick.
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      I need to show this to my mom...later

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        I hate my job right now

        Sometimes I feel like cheerfully murdering the people who put me in the position to be a babysitter.
        I would like to cheerfully place a glass up their hinnies.

        I hate taking care of people.
        Ask any of my exes, ask any of my relatives.
        I am a selfish, arrogant, lazy ass bum.
        I hate being responsible for people when they are sick, aggitated or worried about something.

        I have neither the energy nor the ability to care.
        Sometimes I believe I am a sociopath. But I like me this way.

        I could've just been a simple teacher. That was all I wanted to be.

        Seriously. I would quit now if I could. But I can't I like my job, the teaching part at least.

        I just want to shove their whines and requests up their pieholes.
        Most are rational and reasonable of course. But that is just it. I don't like taking care of people, kids, pets and godknowswhat else.

        But I have to. Because it's my fraden job.

        I mean no disrespect. But sometimes I just want to be the evil old me and tell everyone to lay off and put their shit together.
        But I can't it's my job to take care of my team. And I may be a lot of things but I play well with others if they are supposed to be under my care.
        There is a reason why I hate responsibilities. I tend to either do it well or fuck it up big time.

        And under the whines of a guy who like things his way and people who are too nice to scold, I am just burning out way too fast. Maybe I should just have stayed in the bloody call center industry. At least my fucking salary would be off the roof.
        And as a GL, I would not have to take fucking calls.
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          This is a place of business

          Sometimes it's not the workload that makes a job so stressful. I have always been a firm believer that if you like the people that you work for, then you can make less mistakes and give more to the company. But there are just weird coincidences in life that makes you want to just get a butterfly knife and gut the people who you are supposed to work for and with.

          Yes, it was one of those days today.

          I also noticed that when I have extreme hate or I am thinking of personally damaging things, I make small mistakes that a tenured teacher in this company shouldn't do. I can save my ass from it since I am in the position to do that. But I noticed that the lesser my morale the higher the chance of me fucking things up.

          The funny thing is that when there was a battle of shifts, the only thing they won in was in attendance. The quality of the classes from the defunk shift made this company number one. I don't want to be mean to the people who are in the existing one, since I am technically in it now, but when the defunk one was trashed (there is no better term for it) the quality drained out of this company.

          The funny thing is that, they replaced it with people who were too green in this industry that they completely tipped the scales in the competitors' favor. It's unfortunate that the company I was once so proud of is just now a company that I work for.

          I feel like I have been turned to the dark side by simply being more aware that the people that are supposed to be doing something to raise the morale of everyone is on a war path to crush it. This is an operations industry, that I understand. But this is also a place where people need to feel like there is a reason to work without having to look over our shoulder.

          The stroke of genuises that is the new unbelievably odd policies reminds me of this picture of odd and obscure, bordering to irrational, company rules that was tweeted, tumbled and plurked all over the internet.

          I can understand that they want people to focus on work. But what I don't understand is why they have to walk all over people when they themselves don't do their REAL jobs efficiently. It's unbelievable that they have time to point fingers and look for lost reciepts when they should have done what their part is, fixed their policies and practices as well as file the right paperworks in the right places.

          It's incredible how much free time they have to play and scheme, when there are equipments with viruses, substandard teachers and incompetence spreading from top to bottom.

          I miss having an efficient manager. I miss having a captain that laughed and cursed whenever it pleases him. And I miss quiet meetings where everyone understood what they captain orders them to do and there are no irrational rules to deal with.

          But then again, this is not a playground, a computer shop or a place to find fuck buddies. This is a place of business. There are few friends one can find here.

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