Sunday, September 26, 2010

ARCHIVE : ODE to the lil green book

ODE to the lil green book

I have an online friend who is having an existential crisis.

Let's call him, Herc.

He is wondering how he can get out of the rut that he supposes he is under.

He is hoping to find the meaning behind his "escapades" of late. (and of recent years)

I am both glad and sad that I have stopped listing things on what he refers to as his "lil green book". I had once had that what to do now crisis and how to end this downward spiral situation.
Because there comes a time when the hangover after the party and waking up in the arms of someone you don't ever want to see again gets really old.

I think back and sigh.

I really have to thank him when I see him again.

One sentence saved me from that rut.

"I promise to wake you up with my kisses every day of our lives."

He didn't keep his promise. But I feel it every day when I wake up. It doesn't matter if it's a good day or a "I don't want to go to school." day.

I feel that promised kiss. I would feel it for another three years.

And then perhaps I have to find another morning kisser. One that would actually be in the flesh.

I realized that I haven't dreamt of him in a long time until I dreamt of him last week. He was there in my house. He didn't talk to me. He stayed, sat and smiled. He didn't even come to apologize or kiss or seduce me in this dream. He was just there. And then he left. There was no kicking him on the shins, grabbing him and maiming him or holding him in a tight embrace.

The will to want that had faded too.

But there was fear.

Is it really possible that I had been so busy with my work and my non-life that I had forgotten to daydream about a person whom I promised to marry in my heart? (Not in real life, puhlease) Am I really getting over him that even my dreams are letting him go?

I woke up wondering why it didn't hurt as much as it used to.

And then I smiled.

Maybe I was really moving on.

Maybe sometime in the next three years, I would add a new name on the list that Helene is keeping for me. A list of my past minus the lil green book, minus the details, minus the "I did that?" notes.

So to H I say this.

Remember that even if we don't want to, we give a part of who we are with these random encounters. Do you really want to have to beg for it back when you meet someone who is willing to share everything with you?

Well...we heal in different ways and with different means. I tried the party and "party" route. I got out before it got really bad. ^^ I hope you do too.

Still if you can't have fun and bask in the lessons each experience gives you. ^^

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