Sunday, September 26, 2010

ARCHIVE: SamChronicles 1.0 Of all the bloody days to be alone

SamChronicles 1.0 Of all the bloody days to be alone

Disclaimer: This thing is completely fictional. I wrote with some of my friends' attitude in mind. But each person is a hodgepodge of many others. ^^ I tried to translate it to English (the taglish parts) but I found it less funny, so bear with the stupid translations. I didn't know what I was doing when I did that. ^^ If there are typos, forgive me. But feel free to point it out. If there is something in it that offends you, feel free to point it out. ^^ If there is something that makes you laugh, feel happy and suddenly nostalgic, feel free to point it out. I wrote this Feb 14, 2008 til Feb 2009. Three guesses why it's a love story. ^^


Enter Samantha. Carrying her brown bag and a bottle of Nature's Harvest and an Asian asado siopao in a 7-11 plastic bag.

Sam: (opens siopao sauce container with her teeth) Shet! (siopao sauce squirts) It's official. This is not Valentine's Day. This is the day I spilled siopao sauce on my new blouse! (loooks up in the sky) Thank you Lord. Thank you lang ha. Keep it coming lang. So many blessings noh. No boyfriend. No date. No more money. No nothing. But now, A STAIN. What more could an under-paid, newly-single, unattractive weirdo ask for? Maybe the sky could fall? Or the earth could stop revolving. No? Okay, I was just asking. (looks at her watch) sh*t, I'm late!

Samantha enters her office

Sam's phone:In life, you can have two love...One who changes the way you see yourself and the world and the other who puts you back together after you have lost the first...Happy Vday!

Sam: Ugh. (rolls her eyes) Ex boyfriends. Erase.Erase.Erase.

Sam's phone:...

Sam: Huh? (keeps scrolling down) What? Ano daw? Pa-anime naman 'tong 'sang to! Wag mong sabihing crush kita. Nakuuu...magsalita ka.
[What? What did he say? You anime-look-alike! Don’t think you can get away with this just because I have a crush on you. Say something!]

Sam's phone:Sana umulan mamaya. Para me excuse ako para sunduin kayo ng sister ko.
[I hope it rains later so that I have an excuse to fetch you and my “sister”.]

Sam: (gasps) (looks up; eyes closed) Lord, do not attack my peace of mind. [I.don’] [I.said.that.I.don’]cra.zeee.
(types on her phone) Cannot be. No payong. I'm workin. [It can’t rain. I have no umbrella. I am working now.]

Sam's phone:Sori. Txt u l8r. I'l b singng. Pra umulan. [Sorry. I’ll sms you later. I’ll sing so it would rain.]

Sam: (types) Whatever. (send)Hay...kunyari ka pang lukaret ka. [What am I saying? I think I’m going nuts.]

Ash: Stop saying your thoughts out loud.

Sam: Sorry naman. Pwedeng magsorry? [I’m sorry. *sarcastic*]

Ash: Sino ba yan? [Who’s that?]

Sam: Papa. [Just some guy.]

Ash: Rake?

Sam: Excuse me. So yesterday.

Ash: Bakit inaaway mo? [Why are you fighting with him?]

Sam: Inaaway ko ang sarili ko. [I am fighting with myself.]

Ash: Hobby mo 'yan. [Yeah, I notice you like doing that.]

Sam: I know. Pwede uling magsori? [*sarcastic* So sorry.]

Ash: Hanggang dalawang sorry lang. Max ka na for today. [Two apologies a day. You maxed yours for today.]

Sam: Cra.zee? Kailangan me limit ang lahat ng bagay? [Crazy. Do we really need to limit apologies now?]

Ash: Hmf. Oa ka today. [Hmf. You seem overacting today.]

Sam: You don't understand. Double ka kasi. [You don't understand. You’re a duo.]

Ash: Ha?

Sam: See?

Ash: Ano nga? [What do you mean?]

Jes: Hindi mo daw maintindihan kasi me boypren ka. [You can’t understand because you have a boyfriend.]

Sam: Thank you, my love.

Jes: Always here to help, mah dear.

Ash: So retarded ako kasi me boyfriend ako. Eh si Jes naman me boyfriend din ah. Bakit sya me karapatang ma-gets ka? [So I am retarded because I have a boyfriend? Jes has a boyfriend, too! How come she understands you?]

Jes: Correction. Wala.akong.boy.friend. Akala lang nya boyfriend ko sya. [Correction, I don’t have a boyfriend. He just thinks he’s my boyfriend. ]

Ash: Eh ka-ano-ano mo si Xano? [Huh, so what’s the deal with you and Xano?]

Jes: Pet. Boylet. Rebound. [Rebound guy.]

Ash: (rolls her eyes) Karma. Digital yan. [Careful. Karma can be a b*tch. A fast b*tch.]

Sam: In my case, hindi lang digital. mega-pixel pa. Ang lech na si Rake nabuhay namang muli ang hasang. May balak na naman atang magpagahasa sa akin.. Ayoko. I don't recycle. [In my case, it’s hyperspeed! That a-hole Rake wants to hook up with me again. No-no. I don’t recycle. ]

Ash: Akala ko ba may babae na yun? [I thought he has another girl?]

Sam: Murky na daw sila. [Rocky relationship.]

Jes: Pano si Kuya? [How about my “brother”?]

Ash: At sinong kuya naman iyan? [You have a brother?]

Jes: Parang ang dami kong kuya no. Si Rain. [I am talking about Rain.]

Ash: Sammie, hindi ko carry ang kahiligan mo sa R. Una si RJ. Tas si Rake. Tas si Rain. Si Eros lang ata ang boyfriend mo na hindi R. [What is up with Sammie and R-guys. RJ, Rake, Rain. Eros is the onlyguy you dated who isn’t an R-guy.]

Sam: Esusmi. Hindi ko pa boyfriend si Rain. [Excuse me. I haven’t dated Rain yet.]

Jes: Yey. PA daw. Pa! [Yes, you said YET that means you might!]

Ash: (rolls her eyes) San pa nga ba pupunta yan? [Where else would it lead?]

Jes: Yeeeee!!!

Char enters.

Char: Excuse me. Office hours.

Char leaves.

Sam: (whispers) That guy needs to get something pulled out of his hole.

Ash: No, he needs coffee.

Jes: Or to get laid.

3some: (laughs)

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